I cannot believe this is my 100th post. I couldn't bring myself to post yet another photograph of Snowflake. Is it postworthy? Is anything? I'm going to the fridge and grabbing a Newcastle because if I don't do it now, I never will. I always say I'm going to have a cocktail and when the time comes I just want to go bed. Yum, yum delish! That's so, so nice.
My friend brought Snowflake a real baby sized skateboard today. It's so adorable. On the bottom it has "IMMORTAL" printed in gothic letters. I had to smile at that. We all think we're so bulletproof when we're young. Somehow, someday it just happens and you realize that you're older and nothing lasts forever. Sometimes I find myself in a state of tolerable high anxiety if I think too long of losing my mother or father.
I know it's inevitable and nothing will stop it. I still feel so immature and inept at times it's not even funny. I think everyone around me has these real lives and I'm still just playing. I've never studied Buddhism, but I love the idea of just going with the flow and letting everything be as it will be. Acceptance of the here and now. This mentality led me through single pregnanthood.
I had all three of the puppinos in those days and they would gather around me and cozy up as I balled my eyes out watching Adaptation anytime it was on HBO. As strange as this may sound, I don't think I feel certain things as deeply since my brother died. It never seemed real to me and I know it was. What I feel is that loss through death isn't as bad as we portray it to be. It is inevitable and I think that is why I was able to get over the loss of my dogs much more easily than I ever thought I could.
The tragedy is not living right now, in the moment. Some people say they want to be immortal and it has been said, you are only immortal as long as someone remembers you. I think about this and I have this weird thought everytime I travel. Like when I left a strand of hair in London, Istanbul or even Milwaukee. I was here, a piece of me will always be here even if no one is aware of it. And I had a damn good time.
The One and Only.
3 comments:
Ms. Momma -- so enjoy your posts. I, too, sometimes feel so inept and like I'm flailing about and have no clue -- I so get that. Also, I have informed my parents, in a very stern voice, that they must stay alive until they are at least 120 each, because their deaths, WILL put me in the looney bin. They laughed at my stern voice, of course. and said "Um, Jess? Could you just pass me the pills or a gun the minute I start to lose it?"
They are much, much smarter than me, as is my brother, who still managed to marry someone that still makes me say "Are you fucking KIDDING me?" Anyway -- I'm certainly not the brightest light on the tree -- but I try hard! And, I appreciate what you write - it's very heartfelt and clearly from experience.
J- That is so nice to hear. Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtful posts! What you said about your parents- hilarious! As much as I yak about our feuding and differences, I just love them so much! I equate it to being like a moth too close to the flame. It's hard to have perspective when your sometimes thin skin is peeling from the heat! If you look back in November, you can read about my brother... it sounds like you and I have ALOT to relate to!
Living in the present is so hard. I think we all get glimpses of it, then get sucked back into either remembering the past or fantasizing about the future. We're currently in the process of looking towards a future project and I'm struggling to stay right here and work on the things I can do right now.
Parents are a funny issue too. I've decided to deal with mine by taking small doses. Almost anything is tolerable in small doses. My mom is mostly the tough one. I miss my dad.
The book I've named my blog after is a really nice one about living in the present. Tich Nhat Hanh is also a nice writer. He seems like such a kind warm person. Kinda like someone you wish were your grandfather.
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