Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In (the) Space (between my ears) No One Can Hear Me Scream

Six years ago today, I was in the hospital in the process of bringing SF into this world. Today I find myself confused. SF repeatedly comes home with an unsatisfactory 'smiley' chart. And he has a problem with one of his classmates. He has even more problems with his smiley chart when one of his classmate's moms subs for the ailing teacher.

He's been name calling and stuffing cupcakes in his mouth(disrespecting the classroom) and disrupted someone's 'special day'. And he's making 'angry faces'. Today he had to have a time-out with the principal.

On top of it all, there was a letter from the principal in his backpack for me asking if I could meet with him and the regular teacher again. The last time I met with them, they gave me some Dr. James Dobson reference material.

I don't identify with Mr. Dobson from way back(circa age three).

"I wish I would have looked more closely at the books I bought at B & N on Sunday. Unknowingly, but knowing, I bought two books by Dr. James Dobson- The New Strong Willed Child and Bringing Up Boys. I started with TNSWC and found SF isn't really what he classically describes(thank Allah). Last night I turned to the chapter in BUB on The Causes of Homosexuality and then The Single Parent and Grandparents.

OMG. My blood just started to boil. Little did I know I purchased books from a man who thinks homosexuality is a treatable 'disorder'. And rather than giving real solutions for single mothers, he goes into a story about how his own wife came from a broken home. He continues on by saying that his wife's mother prayed for a good man to come along and take care of them. What do you know? It happened and he's been a loving father-inlaw for over 40 years. Apparently if SF spends too much time with me, that's unhealthy and he really needs a man to show him the way in the world.

There are even a couple of pages he devotes to some reformed liberal now confirmed right wing dipshit who finally relented and let her boys play with toy guns after a bonding trip to Gettysburg. I could go on and on, but why bother? According to Mr. Dobson, I am royally screwed. With these odds I'm sure SF will be a flowery flouncing homo if I don't get a good man into his life soon or he'll be in prison eventually. Well Mr. Dobson, I disagree. Focus on my middle finger."

Catch my drift?

Tomorrow is his birthday and because of his behavior I told him that he can't take a treat to school for his birthday. I think I feel worse than he does. Part of me just wants to say to hell with them. Part of me thinks he is years ahead of most six year olds and he is bored out of his mind at this school. His vocabulary speaks for itself. Part of me thinks maybe I do have a kid who is going to end up doing bad all the time. So then I blame myself. I hate this. He's only going to be six and I feel like I have to act like Nurse Ratchett all the time.

It makes me wonder how my Polish grandmother felt when the nuns kicked my dad out of St.Anne's and told her not to send him back for the second grade.

It didn't stop her from loving the shit out of him. I know that much.

Love, Heidi

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Bizness Etiquette

Written for a total Asshole:

"In regard to the business etiquette article you provided and my quiz score, I received a 19 out of 20. In fact, I think you have be a complete mushroom to make these types of rude idiotic mistakes. Business etiquette is just a gentrified form of proper behavior in social situations. I looked ahead and saw you included an article for “women” on dressing and was quite offended that there wasn’t a similar article for men. I was actually disgusted.

First things for a dolt to consider might be, “Do I stink?” “Does my breath smell because I ate garlic pizza right before my interview (maybe shouldn’t have done that)?” “Is there spinach stuck in my teeth?” “Is there grease on my tie or shirt?” “Is my clothing appropriate?” If you don’t know how to dress then get some advice because no one wants to see your too tight crotch or high water Pee Wee Herman pants with white socks from 1987.

As misguided as you may look, say you got the second interview. It’s a dinner date. Don’t order the lobster. Don’t order the crab legs. Have something simple and moderately priced. Do you order a cocktail to contain those jittery nerves? The interviewer is having a glass of wine. What do you do? As Buddhist philosophy says, ‘when in doubt, do nothing”. Don’t order the alcoholic beverage. It doesn’t make you look good and considering what you’re wearing…

So you don’t order the drink. Good for you. That is very professional. Another huge thing to remember is that politeness goes a very long way. If your mama didn’t teach you that much, you may be out of luck. In case she did, remember to be a good listener. Don’t interrupt. Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. Take a moment to breathe before you answer that question.

Avoid using words like “like” and “you know”. Don’t offer your opinion when it is not asked for. You could incriminate yourself in something you know nothing about. For example, if you’re interviewing with the Beef Marketing Board, now is not the time to offer up your Vegan status. If you follow these few tiny tips, you may get your foot in the door even if you’re wearing your dad’s old Florsheims."

Love, Heidi

Tuesday, March 09, 2010