Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Monday, January 29, 2007

What Becomes A Legend Most?

mink

By the crazed look in my eye, it's apparently Old Navy Satin Frost Free Down, not a Blackglama. Really. It's completely sexy and plush. So much cooler than a Costanza. I can relax in knowing I abated a possible pre mid-life crisis and burned out on the compulsion to troll eBay for a "vintage mink coat -faux" or about five different combinations thereof.

At only $16.49 on clearance, I saved a fortune. And my sanity. It just doesn't look like it.

Spam *!%#ers!

I am getting spammed and whammed with comments in the archives for so much bullshit I could scream! It is going to take me forever to close comments on everything. GRRRRRRRR! I really don't want to moderate comments. Any comments or suggestions? No not you, spam fuckers.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

When the Levee Breaks

This morning SF and I got up very late and took leisurely baths, scrubbing up with some heavenly Molton Brown goodness. I was laying naked on the bed, belly down and Mini Naked hops up on me and puts his face on my buttcrack and exclaims, "Mom! Your butt smells beautiful!" Right... I thanked him and laughed.

We've had a bit of success on the pot lately and I told him that today he was going to wear unders instead of his diaper. I asked him if he was okay with that and he said "Yes, I'm fine with that". I explained that he had to hold his pee and poo and ask me to take him to the bano when he felt the urge coming.

We dressed and went downstairs. I took the pugs outside and two seconds later Snowflake pops his head out of the breezeway door informing me that he peed. Back in the abode we go and I repeat everything I said earlier about using cool underwear and changed him into new ones.

He says he understands. We went to three thrift stores, Target and the post office and he was superb. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and now he lays on the leather couch with a big thick towel underneath him in case the levee breaks.

I'm a wee bit nervous about the wee.

Friday, January 26, 2007

For Teapot

I just had to steal PyKorry's smokin' find here. To my long lost Corinthian homie "Thom Oberg", aka T-Pot, wished he was a T-Bone, this is for you, Robusto. Hilarious!


Thursday, January 25, 2007

Primal Insomnia

It's 1 AM and I can hear Snowflake talking in his sleep. He sounds so squishy chipmonk cute I could die. I was reading Rachel's blog and she mentioned that one of the books that made her cry was "Clan of the Cavebear" and I commented that all I could think of was Rae Dawn Chong in "Quest for Fire". Sorry, but those doggiestylin' cavemen were hairy scarey uglies. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Even Chaka was "cuter". Now I'm off to pay for something I "won" on ebay. Night-night. Good sleepies & dreamies.

Feeling Like Shelly

shellita

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Friday, January 19, 2007

Friday Flowers

many flowers
Flowers I created in Illustrator

A big shout out to Dino, who just broke down and bought his first pair of Keens and his first newspaper column. Congrats!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Two for Five

It's a week of meme love. I've never done a "100 Things" about me. I don't know if I could sit and ponder myself for that long. This was long enough! Fabulous PyKorry and Christine the Manitoulian both tagged me to do them. Not "them", but you know, memes. PyKorry's was a list of five things you wouldn't know, kind of introspective. Christine's is bullet form, simple. I am going to merge the two/five into one VERY complex, serious tome.

Two Names You Go By:
1. Heidi, Heid
2. Ho-Ho Byrd No, not for "ho" as in filthy ho, just a pet name from my brother.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Keen Dakota Boots
2. A ribbed sweater with a hole under one pit(my fave)

Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Communication (+hot sex)
2. Trust

Two of Your Favourite Things to do:
1. scuba dive- although I haven't gone in years, I was certified in Jamaica
2. throw pots- I have a professional Brent Wheel sitting in my garage, crying for me

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. my cousin to heal
2. quarterlies and end of year taxes to be done

Two pets you had/have:
1. Dogs
2. a baby chick when I was a kid named Herman(my dad brought us each one home for Easter) My brothers doused them with water, resulting in my father flushing their's down the toilet. Herman went to my friend's granny's farm where I assume he ran away or led a revolt.


Two things you did last night:
1. Played ball with the dogs
2. Read "Rough Weather Ahead for Walter the Farting Dog"

Two People that live in your house:
1. Snowflake
2. our imaginary friends

Two things you ate today:
1. raw sliced almonds
2. Thai Sesame Noodles

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Snowflake
2. a customer looking for a home

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. going to see my granny
2. pick up my parents mail

Two longest car rides:
1. Madison to LasVegas
2. Wisconsin to Portland, OR

Two Favourite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Halloween

Two Favourite beverages:
1. a killer zinfandel(red, that is. I don't consider white zinfandel to be a real wine)
2. Coffee


Five Things

1. SHOES: I have a sickening obsession with Keen shoes. I have 10 pairs. It is akin to my love of DM's in college. When I was in London long ago, I bought and still have the most awesome pair of patent leather cherry red 8-eye boots. I also own a pair of 15 eyelet Tread-Airs that are black patent leather with red patent crosses die cut on the calf. My brother has the same pair as we ordered them for each other for our shared birthday. I have worn them once. I also own a pair of Red Tread-Air(the real English kind, not the cheap Hot Topic kind) Kitty Cat Mary Janes. I also have a pair of black and white DM's that have faces all over them.

My first pair of Doc's? 8 eye blue boots, red laces. I painted octopi on them. I still have them.


2. MUSIC: One year for Christmas, my mother bought me every CD by Billy Joel because I asked for it. I really love Joe Jackson more though. When I was a kid we had a Wurlitzer Jukebox from the 50's. "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart was played ritually. My mom and I crushed on him. She also bought me the first Rod Stewart box set. I don't have the box. I have lost more than three copies of Hole's "Live Through This". I have gone through two copies of Ween's "Pure Guava". I do not take care of these things. Shame on me. They are important.

3. DAMN DIRTY APE(of love): I had to be about nine when my mother and I were watching some award show when he presented something. Secretly I had a crush on Roddy MacDowell. Maybe it wasn't such a secret because when I saw his thick lensed specs, I mentioned to my mom how I thought I might need glasses. She still teases me about this. This could already be somewhere in the archives...

4. PLAYBOY: After college, after I bought my house, after I started working for my dad, I subscribed to Playboy. YES, for the articles. I would recycle them by giving them to the resident office alcoholic. A man I dubbed "Haroldini". When I was younger I always wanted to write for it. I have not read it in years.

5. MARBLES: I like marbles. I like Josh Simpson. I have four of his mini planets, including a Mars. When my dad was eleven years old, he made it to the national championships in Atlantic City. I have his marbles, and I haven't lost mine yet.

Aren't you glad you didn't have to read 100? Whew.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Dorksville

You KNOW it's a small town when your #1 match returned from Yahoo Personals is your ex boyfriend. I'm NOT a member, but from time to time I get curious. Why even bother, right?

Denizens of the Peak

deer

Monday, January 15, 2007

(Ghosts) Of Summer

ghosts of summer

summer1
And high hopes.

Stolen from the paper on his day:

"Potential powers of creativity are within us, and we have a duty to work assiduously to discover these powers." -MLK

You Filthy Pig! (Saints Move Along)

What's your raunch factor? Let's put a dollar value on that! Curiosity is the source of this one. My grand total of debauchery was $380.50. Yeah, I peed in the pool. I admit it.
Here’s how it works:

You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. And NO, it is not PER incident (otherwise, some of us would have totals more than the national debt!). However, since there is only one that is under a dollar and I have a total that ends in 50 cents, I am sure you will figure out at least one of them.

Bring up that calculator, and get going!

* Smoked pot — $10
* Did acid — $5
* Ever had sex at church — $25
* Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
* Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
* Had sex for money — $100
* Vandalized something — $20
* Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
* Beat up someone — $20
* Been jumped — $10
* Crossed dressed — $10
* Given money to stripper — $25
* Been in love with a stripper — $20
* Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
* Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
* Ever drive drunk — $20
* Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
* Used toys while having sex — $30
* Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
* Went skinny dipping — $5
* Had sex in a pool — $20
* Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
* Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
* Cheated on your significant other — $10
* Masturbated — $10
* Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
* Done oral — $5
* Got oral — $5
* Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
* Stole something — $10
* Had sex with someone in jail — $25
* Made a nasty home video — $15
* Had a threesome — $50
* Had sex in the wild — $20
* Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
* Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
* Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
* Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
* Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
* Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
* Went streaking — $5
* Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
* Been arrested — $5
* Spent time in jail — $15
* Peed in the pool — $0.50
* Played spin the bottle — $5
* Done something you regret — $20
* Had sex with your best friend — $20
* Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
* Had anal sex — $80
* Lied to your mate — $5
* Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Tally it up and Title it…”My Fine Is…” I'm not going to tag anyone, but feel free to comment or post it yourself. Signed- A Sometime Former Filthy Whore

Giants in the Earth

the other side
Ode to Ole Rolvaag

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Like

It's like(the feeling of) finding a baby bird, fallen, boney and featherless on the ground, wide eyes bulging blue behind onion skin lids.

It's like losing something dear to you: a trinket, heart or person.

It's like knowing that you could be screwing up someone's life and that you can never really save someone's life.

It's like realizing that you really know nothing other than how to breathe.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Personal Public Annoyance

CubMommy's comment in the previous post about having the Chili peppers as her ringtone made me curious. Since I'm experiencing a creative block, I thought I'd throw the question out there. I switch between Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side", "Close to ME" by the Cure, or a recording of Snowflake's laugh. These are the actual songs, not some freaky tone redux.

If you use a cell, what's your flava?

*For the record, I really dislike them. I know they're handy, but geez! When my mother comes running out of the bathroom with her trousers around her ankles as soon as her phone goes off, I know I've seen and heard enough.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Picks the Peppers

I can remember my friend Paul and I had a sick and bizarre sense of humor. One of our favorite lines(I have no idea where we got this) said in a deep gruff voice was,

"Hey, Little Girl, you wanna go around the world?"

I never would have thought years later this line would become the title of Snowflake's favorite song. I've had 'Californication' in the changer in the car for months and recently, 'Around the World' is on repeat. On the way to work this morning we had this conversation:







SF: Mom, put on the Chili Peppers!

ME: Okay, alright.

Song plays...

SF: Hey Mom! I'm into the Chili Peppers!

ME: (Hiding my laughing at that comment) Oh really? Are they your favorite?

SF: Yes!

ME: (singing along)

SF: Hey Mom! Quit talking over the Chili Peppers!

ME: (stunned)

SF: And turn it down, wowder! (Snowflakian for louder)

(Geee, is it any wonder he can't stand the juvenile stylings of Kindermusik, where this semester's theme was 'Milk & Cookies'?)

Saturday, January 06, 2007

January

potato head
Snowflake's First Mr. Potato Head = January Header

This is just such a psycho krazy Mr. Potato Head. He is so hot, he's boiled and that can only mean his brains are as good as mashed.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Conversations with Snowflake

Changing a diaper full of vegetarian rancid ass:

ME: Dang, Trubes! This has to end soon! You're getting too old to be pooping in your pants.

SF: Sorry, mom. Thanks for changing my diaper. You're the best mom, EVER!

ME: Yeah, yeah. So, next time you have to go poopies you'll let me know, right?! When do you think you'll poop on the pot for me?

SF: How about Tuesday?

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Snowflake likes to slide a step stool around the kitchen to prop it up in front of the sink and "do the dishes". On this occasion, he bypassed the sink, heading straight for the stainless shelf my laptop sits on.

ME: Where are you going with that stool?

SF: I thought I'd do a bit of blogging for you.

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On smelling shit once again:

ME: Ugh. Did you poop your pants again? Come on, let's change you. You promised mom you'd start going on the pot(he DID have one poop success last week). Geez Louise, Troubadour Dali, when are you going to start using the pot?

SF: How about Friday?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Winter

Dark so early. Although the ground may be muddy in spots and the temperature is mild, winter is here. Streets are quieter, more abandoned. Passing nary a walker out in the early night.

I bought this house in the Spring of 1994 and later, in the autumn, my polish grandmother died. She lived in an old house that at "one time" used to be a farm house just over the hill from me. The town grew. I can remember her coming over, the one time she did, and we sat on the front steps and shared a beer. She thought everything here was so cute.

Now her backyard is fenced in by chainlink and home to two rather vicious looking pitbulls. She had the hugest, most beautiful garden. Berries, blossoms, herbs. She was a composter. Now she is.

Walking in the dark, looking into lit windows brings some warmth to me. I can recall all the little old people who lived here or there with yards as tidy as a new travel size sewing kit. They're all gone now and the fifty year olds are sixties and with maybe even a seventy or two thrown in.

There's a funeral home on my route. I'm always nauseated when I think I hear the crematorium running. Or maybe it's the windows shrouded in ivory shears, slightly obscuring the bursting pink toned walls. The 'special' spots lit clustered in the ceiling over what I can only presume to be someone's corpse. Damn, I hope all of that rosey glow makes them actually look better.

Rosy pink cheeks in the cold or in death. Winter is here.