Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Doomsdayer

I'm hoping that only the tried and true bother to check in here these days. This might still be the year of Heidi, you never know. For the most part, I feel frustrated and on the verge of something. Binge drinking, hitchhiking, injectables... sex with strangers. Maybe it's time I try all of those things you're never supposed to. I'm bored with this place, my role as a single mother, life. It just keeps getting harder and harder every day.

I used to look upon so many things as an "adventure". Fuck. I was so stupid. Now it seems I'm just waiting for the world to come crashing down around me. Oh, I still try. I try every day. I usually only think that silver lining is going to appear when I'm near death and the chemicals in my body are breaking down causing me either euphoria or fear. Just keepin' it real.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

My Lonely Place

Hello My Lonely Little Blog...

How are you? I'm fine. Doing alright. Hanging in there. SF is going to be seven in March and I wonder where the time goes to. Sometimes when I drop him off in the morning at school, I wonder what would happen with him if I died. If I never saw him again and it breaks my heart.

It's impossible to describe how fast time flies by unless you are feeling it and experiencing it. I sometimes wonder if I am experiencing 'enough'. Everything seems robotic and routine. What makes up for this is the sweet morning hug . A genuine cuddle that exudes true warmth and an "I love you mommy."

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Bitchkins

There are certain people you come across once every so often that make you THANK the universe that you are not so bitchy, nasty, rude and unprofessional. People that although they may have a college degree from some BFE university, they're STILL stoopid. And vain. And arrogant. And did I mention stupid?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

DILF

Woe is me. So I'm thinking about this person. Like, I have no idea who he is. Just a dad. I'm just happy that I am having some lusty feelings for once. It's been a long time coming. So you, whoever you are, I just want you to know that I would jump you in a dark alley or in broad daylight(as long as I was riding the (Night Train).

Monday, June 21, 2010

Thinking About

parlour

I don't know why, but I've been thinking about this guy. Who the hell knows why. I don't really know him. But I've been thinking about him...

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Ask Yourself

Do you feel lucky, punk?
Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Yellow Belt




SF received his yellow belt last night.
So Proud!

Love, Heidi

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Whatev

My poor little, neglected memoir of a motherhood journal cum nada. I'm nearing the finish line. Next Saturday I will receive my ASSociates in Web Development and Digital Media. I've created a few cool freelance sites for clients. I have two weddings booked for summer.

SF is graduating from kindergarten. Life is always changing.

I'm still trying to keep the last fish from the Chamber of Death alive, poor thing. I am not fascinated by that whole trip. Taking care of furry pets is so much easier. Oy.

My bad ass momentum has taken a beating. I may be the mother of a bad ass. I would like to think that it's the school, but some days I just don't know. I blame myself. Being a single parent sucks. Don't believe the hype.

BUT...

then I think, give me a break. He is SIX. That's all. Kindergarten is out of control and seems pretty boring. I'm sure I don't have a baby einstein. And I certainly don't have Dennis the Menace. We walk a fine line, somewhere in between.

Love, Heidi

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In (the) Space (between my ears) No One Can Hear Me Scream

Six years ago today, I was in the hospital in the process of bringing SF into this world. Today I find myself confused. SF repeatedly comes home with an unsatisfactory 'smiley' chart. And he has a problem with one of his classmates. He has even more problems with his smiley chart when one of his classmate's moms subs for the ailing teacher.

He's been name calling and stuffing cupcakes in his mouth(disrespecting the classroom) and disrupted someone's 'special day'. And he's making 'angry faces'. Today he had to have a time-out with the principal.

On top of it all, there was a letter from the principal in his backpack for me asking if I could meet with him and the regular teacher again. The last time I met with them, they gave me some Dr. James Dobson reference material.

I don't identify with Mr. Dobson from way back(circa age three).

"I wish I would have looked more closely at the books I bought at B & N on Sunday. Unknowingly, but knowing, I bought two books by Dr. James Dobson- The New Strong Willed Child and Bringing Up Boys. I started with TNSWC and found SF isn't really what he classically describes(thank Allah). Last night I turned to the chapter in BUB on The Causes of Homosexuality and then The Single Parent and Grandparents.

OMG. My blood just started to boil. Little did I know I purchased books from a man who thinks homosexuality is a treatable 'disorder'. And rather than giving real solutions for single mothers, he goes into a story about how his own wife came from a broken home. He continues on by saying that his wife's mother prayed for a good man to come along and take care of them. What do you know? It happened and he's been a loving father-inlaw for over 40 years. Apparently if SF spends too much time with me, that's unhealthy and he really needs a man to show him the way in the world.

There are even a couple of pages he devotes to some reformed liberal now confirmed right wing dipshit who finally relented and let her boys play with toy guns after a bonding trip to Gettysburg. I could go on and on, but why bother? According to Mr. Dobson, I am royally screwed. With these odds I'm sure SF will be a flowery flouncing homo if I don't get a good man into his life soon or he'll be in prison eventually. Well Mr. Dobson, I disagree. Focus on my middle finger."

Catch my drift?

Tomorrow is his birthday and because of his behavior I told him that he can't take a treat to school for his birthday. I think I feel worse than he does. Part of me just wants to say to hell with them. Part of me thinks he is years ahead of most six year olds and he is bored out of his mind at this school. His vocabulary speaks for itself. Part of me thinks maybe I do have a kid who is going to end up doing bad all the time. So then I blame myself. I hate this. He's only going to be six and I feel like I have to act like Nurse Ratchett all the time.

It makes me wonder how my Polish grandmother felt when the nuns kicked my dad out of St.Anne's and told her not to send him back for the second grade.

It didn't stop her from loving the shit out of him. I know that much.

Love, Heidi

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Bizness Etiquette

Written for a total Asshole:

"In regard to the business etiquette article you provided and my quiz score, I received a 19 out of 20. In fact, I think you have be a complete mushroom to make these types of rude idiotic mistakes. Business etiquette is just a gentrified form of proper behavior in social situations. I looked ahead and saw you included an article for “women” on dressing and was quite offended that there wasn’t a similar article for men. I was actually disgusted.

First things for a dolt to consider might be, “Do I stink?” “Does my breath smell because I ate garlic pizza right before my interview (maybe shouldn’t have done that)?” “Is there spinach stuck in my teeth?” “Is there grease on my tie or shirt?” “Is my clothing appropriate?” If you don’t know how to dress then get some advice because no one wants to see your too tight crotch or high water Pee Wee Herman pants with white socks from 1987.

As misguided as you may look, say you got the second interview. It’s a dinner date. Don’t order the lobster. Don’t order the crab legs. Have something simple and moderately priced. Do you order a cocktail to contain those jittery nerves? The interviewer is having a glass of wine. What do you do? As Buddhist philosophy says, ‘when in doubt, do nothing”. Don’t order the alcoholic beverage. It doesn’t make you look good and considering what you’re wearing…

So you don’t order the drink. Good for you. That is very professional. Another huge thing to remember is that politeness goes a very long way. If your mama didn’t teach you that much, you may be out of luck. In case she did, remember to be a good listener. Don’t interrupt. Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. Take a moment to breathe before you answer that question.

Avoid using words like “like” and “you know”. Don’t offer your opinion when it is not asked for. You could incriminate yourself in something you know nothing about. For example, if you’re interviewing with the Beef Marketing Board, now is not the time to offer up your Vegan status. If you follow these few tiny tips, you may get your foot in the door even if you’re wearing your dad’s old Florsheims."

Love, Heidi

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Friday, February 26, 2010

Que es?

scooby

What do you think? Boxer mastiff? All boxer? Boxer American Bulldog? He's got insanely large paws. And much thicker bone structure than typical boxers standards. One thing is for sure, he is all sweetness.

Life is so crazy. I get too freaked when I dwell on certain things...the usual, the shortness of life. Seizing the day. I am constantly going and going and going. Always tired.

Always, Heidi.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Chobani

Whenever I get on myself about my myself, my mom will say something like, "why don't you eat some yogurt and fruit?" I hate yogurt. The run of the mill Yoplaits and Danons just gross me out. They're like glorified jello. They make me think of horse hooves every time I dare try again.

Today I was at Sam's at 8am and saw this yogurt. I read the box and it sounded amazing and packed a 14 grams of protein punch and ZERO grams of fat! I decided to try it. It was $12.78 for 12 6oz. cups. The flavors are blueberry, strawberry and peach.

After I got home and unpacked everything, I opened up a strawberry. They have a cool modus operandi and I like that. The box recommends NOT stirring, but just pulling the fruit up from the bottom. WOW. It is just absolutely DE-LISH! Thick and creamy, almost like I want to rub it all over my face creamy! I think I can finally say, I love yogurt! But only if it's Chobani.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Somebody Scratch Me

scratch it

Plop Plop Fizz Fizz

O! What a relief it is...to be on the cusp of the weekend! Soaking in the tub and getting into fine sheets. I love the big dog puppy who is sprawled out on the leather next to me. I think he might be part Rhodesian Ridgeback...he has the most floppiest ears. Sort of like an Old School nun's habit.

Spring is coming! All down the avenue, puddles form, mud appears and the sun melts away the snow on the high banks. Someone saw a robin! Such a simple thing with so much hope riding on it. I'm just trying to keep the faith.

Love, Heidi

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Monday, February 15, 2010

Valentines

Valentines
Although I didn't get a Valentine, I made
21 gorgeous Valentines from scratch for
SF's Kindergarten class.

Love, Heidi

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

You Said It Best

hat
"Doing his best pineapple impression." -Phantom Kitty

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

'falfa Sprout at 10 Months

alfie the tibetan terrier 10 months
He is our fun little house guest.

Love, Heidi

Monday, February 08, 2010

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Friday, February 05, 2010

Crazy Train

In addition to my three randy canines, I have my parents Tibetan Terrier for the next week. It's been kind of wacky and crazy, but things are settling down. I had such a crappy day.

I feel bitchy and crampy and then I got a rejection for an internship. That is the icing on the cake to my fricking special weekend. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get. I must be one of the first students graduating in that program with a 4.0, yet there was someone more qualified. Fuck them.

I know I'm gonna have so many more rejections in life, but damn. Fuck. Piss. I do think that stint should have been mine. SF gave me a hug. I was crying and I really needed it. I just wonder where in the hell I am going to end up in life and how I will even make it through. Happy fricking birthday to me.

Love, Heidi

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Puppler Pies

pupplerpie
He could almost fly with those ears!

He looks kind of squatty from this angle, but he's all legs. Gangly and lean like a tall teenage boy. Clumsy and sweet. He is such a Scooby.

Well, I changed the water on the chamber of death and things look pretty good. Guppies must be really hardy little fish. There's nothing skankier than a groady looking fish bowl. The fish looks better but only time will tell.

Love, Heidi

Monday, January 25, 2010

Death Chamber

We're down to our last fish and she, she is on her last legs. Unless she's gonna drop some frye or whatever it is. She's a live bearer facing the creep of the chamber of death. Garfield's plastic fish bowl belly is proving too toxic for life.

She isn't moving too fast and I'm afraid the pH adjustment may have just did a number on her. O, I dosed the tank again as a preventative. I thought she looked a little skanky, a little rotten. She looks better than she did, just not moving as fast. Yikes.

I never thought having a 'cute' fish tank would make me feel so guilty. As small as they are, they're still little creatures that depend on you. I am no fishkeeper. I'll tell you that much.

Love, Heidi

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Scooby

scooby
A little blurry, but cute. Adorable in every way you can imagine. Charming, sweet and smart. Mellow and chill. We're totally in love!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Garfield Stinks

For reals.

This cute little fish tank has turned into a skanky nightmare. Sharpie got the burial at sea early on when my friend came over to see why the water was so cloudy. I removed a filter like thing from the bottom and that made things better.

Then, the Guppie, Nemo gave birth to mystery fish. Over the next day or two I start to wonder why the scum eater hadn't been moving. He was dead. Sick! Leafy, the little black fish developed a freaky white fungus around his mouth. I ran out to Petsmart last night to buy something to treat it.

He was floating in the tank this morning.

That leaves, Nemo, the guppy as Darwin's Grand Champion. I cleaned everything this morning, adjusted the pH and put it all back together. Except I didn't put the gravel back, just some colored stones. That might just be the killer.

We'll see how long it lasts. I think we would have been better off just getting a Beta fish. As Prissy might have said, "I don't know nothin' 'bout keepin' no fishes'.

Saturday is the big day. There is a big storm coming our way, but we should be home before it gets really bad. Maggie, I wanted to tell you that the shelter I am getting the dog from rescues dogs from high kill shelters in Chicago and NW Indiana. She takes the ones that she feels deserve a chance from "Death Row"(her words). She didn't tell me which one it was, but I will try to find out. Ro-ray?

Love, Heidi

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Somebody Approves of Me


I know I'm on repeat here. But hey! I was approved for adoption...the adoption of a 6-7 month old boxer boy that came from a high kill shelter in Chicago. SF and I will schlep the pugs in the landship and head south about an hour to meet him on Saturday. If everything gels, he will have his forever home. This is the photo from Petfinder. He already weighs 50 lbs. He also has his long natural tail. He really looks like a German style boxer and not AKC. I can actually say "He's so Euro" as a REAL sentence!

SF wants to call him Scooby. For some reason, I think that name might just stick. Lord grant me the patience to deal with big dogs that aren't housebroken. I also hope this isn't doing any disservice to the memory of the one and only Chidler. I just can't be without a boxer. Life is too short.

Love, Heidi

Monday, January 18, 2010

KraZy?

Okay. I've been a real fiend when it comes to looking at dogs since December. I can't explain it. Maybe it does have something to do with falling off the horse. I filled out an application for a boxer(origin unsure...he LOOKS like a boxer) from a rescue. He is 6-7 months old, loves other dogs, kids and even cats. Is he housebroken...that is the question. As we all know, big dog = lots of pee. And don't forget the poop.

According to the rescue, he was at a high kill shelter and they rescued him. He was an owner surrender. Anyone who has gone through the infamous boxer puppy phase and has lived to tell the tale knows it's no walk in the park.

It can be more like walking through the fragmented remains of what used to be furniture and throw pillows. Or underwires from your bra glinting in the sun on the living room rug. Survive pulling things out of his patootie and you're virtually guaranteed to be an EXCELLENT parent. Trust me.

He already weighs 50 lbs so they think he is going to be a big boy(currently called 'Sprout'). I wonder if he is the dog for us? It's so easy to just go an buy a new puppy. They are like the blank hard drive in a computer, usually. But these adolescents that people buy as puppies only to figure out that they are WAY more than just cute. They don't know what to do with that energy and poof! Somehow they become the wrong dog. We shall see...(will probably be kicking myself hard).

Love, Heidi

Breathing Room

I dropped four credits worth of classes and I feel a little better. I didn't need to take them, I just wanted to. Instead of stressing my way through the next four months, I'm going to go with the flow and chill like a dill.

Love, Heidi

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Bummer All the Way Around

One of SF's fish died. My friend came over and changed the water and we took out this sponge/fliter pad thing and things are apparently on the up and up. Why? Well, I looked into the bowl this morning, and there, hiding in the fake, glow in the dark sea grass was a small black fish that looks nothing like any of the fish we have. Can anyone 'splain this to me?!

Friday I picked up Charlie's ashes finally. The vet's office left a message saying I should call them, but whatever. I just showed up. Thankfully there wasn't some doggie crematory mix up. Yeah, I cried some more. I saw a guy with his ancient beagle mix with a tumor the size of a small watermelon under its armpit. I overheard them say the dog was on morphine. He still had a waggle in his tail. I looked into his eyes and he seemed okay. Was I wrong?

I just feel so pissed off. It's everything. And on top of it all I am sick. Faithful to the neti, but it just isn't doing it for me.

I go back to school tomorrow and I'm not sure if I want to take the 18 credit load. I don't HAVE to take everything I'm taking. Sometimes, on days like to day, I just feel lost. So completely lost. I had a friend say some weird stuff to me and I just don't know how to process it. Maybe just run away screaming.

Love, Heidi

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Once More Down the Hole

As soon as things seem on the up and up, they spiral downward. Maybe I'm just too doomsdayish. I don't know. I had a great experience at another agency yesterday. The difference was quite astounding. Everyone I met was so entirely candid and sharing of their knowledge. I gained so many useful tips and sites I left there psyched out of my mind!

I met an award winning designer who has a background similar to mine and that alone was incredibly inspiring. The sucky thing is that it seems like things are slow all over so finding that internship may be more of a challenge than I thought.

Me, famous? Ah, Lisa you make me laugh. No, I won't forget all the true, cool genuine people I met if I make the 'big time'. Heavy duty rock and roll.(a la Spinal Tap)

Love, Heidi

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Cat's Meow


A few notes before I rush upstairs to beautify myself for more job shadowing... I sent out a letter of inquiry to a company about a possible internship. Unfortunatley, they don't need anyone, but I did get a note back saying they liked my website. That alone is cool to me. Someone took the time to look at my work and comment. Most places would just not respond at all. So, yay!

I received a really surprising email this weekend from an award winning designer saying they were "blown away" by my work. On top of that cherry they said I "had a bright future" in this field. How cool is that? I was stoked and still am.

I bought True a vintage Garfield fish tank on ebay. It's pretty cute: his belly is a bowl and that's where the fish are. It's over 30 years old and doesn't leak! Last night my friend took him to Petsmart and bought him all the stuff for the tank: a heater, an oxygenator, rocks and three little fish he named Sharpie, Nemo and Leafy. Pretty cute.

Love, Heidi

Sunday, January 10, 2010

And My Little Dogs, Too

I tried to take the pugs for a walk this morning. I bundled them up and they only made it a block and a half before they started freezing up. Those from The North would recognize the leg going up and the hobbling on three legs. I had to get them to jog so they'd snap out of it.

I sure miss my Chidle Bug. He was so hearty and cute.

It's just really weird not having a big dog in the house. It was always nice knowing that he was downstairs when I slept, guarding my little abode from intruders and ghosts. I've never been scared to be alone, but the house just feels different now. No one would really be intimidated by Frank and Ginger. Although as we all know, Clams Casino is an attack pug. Multum in parvo, as they say.

Love, Heidi

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Headed Out

To see some mushers. In my puffy jacket, looking puffy.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Where Do I Belong?

I had some more job shadowing this morning. I hung out with an incredibly smart programmer and an amazing designer. And I think to myself, do I have the Right Stuff? What can I possibly have to offer these total omnipotent gods? I'm just Heidi. Heidi who likes to create 'stuff'. I'm more boutique than brand. Where am I going to fit in?

Love, Heidi

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Adult Lunch

I had lunch with an ADULT. Unbelievable. It was really nice to chat with someone who is smart and educated and well traveled. Always excitement.

I'm just excited that I got my website updated(the gallery). What a bugger it was! Ugh. I downloaded a new copy of Cyberduck because Filezilla is just so unfriendly. Jeez. But now I'm off to bed because it's the only way I can function. A glass of vino would be so nice, but it would just wake me at 3am and that is no good. Sweet dreams.

Love, Heidi

Walking the Tightrope

I had a big cup of coffee this morning after dropping SF off at school. Ooo! I want to crawl out of my skin! On top of that, I received an email from a client that wants me to freelance a website. So, YAY! But I'm also feeling the pinch of balance chiming in. On the list:

1.) Being a Mom
2.) Continued job shadowing at several locations
3.) Finding an internship
4.) Developing this new website.
5.) Developing a website for some friends and their business
6.) 18 Credits starting January 18
7.) Developing a Portfolio
8.) Finding a REAL JOB

I'm excited about this website though. So I vow to switch to herbal tea and tame these beasts.

Love, Heidi

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Paranormal Activity






Sunnyside Up

What a fantastic experience that was! Everything about that place was gorgeous and the mood really felt genuine. It reminded me of this Scandinavian glass designer for Kosta Boda who did a line called "Open Minds". Abstract.

Wow. It's just bizarre. An old friend works there. We used to be really close at one time. And I think we used to watch 'thirtysomething' together. It just makes me laugh in a happy smiley way.

Love, Heidi

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Today I'm doing some job shadowing for a few hours. I get to meet some designers and some programmers. My professor has hopes that it may parlay into an internship . I hope so. I can wait to get off the dole. I think I would like a bigger house, but when I look at what you get and all I did with mine, I think no gracias.

I've been chatting with a few boxer breeders. Even Charlie's original breeder. I am definitely going to get another boxer, but I'm just not ready. The stupid vet hasn't even called me yet to pick up his ashes. WTF. I don't don't think I should have to call and ask about my dogs ashes. Idiots.

Anyway, today is going to be a good day. And if it's not, there is always bedtime to look forward to.

Love, Heidi

Monday, January 04, 2010

The Year of Heidi

I was thinking of scrapping this blog altogether and then I thought nah. It changes as I change. And if I get really out of control or need to vent I can always go to my double secret posting place, Facebook.

I have intentions of going balls out this year. That said, I haven't exercised yet. I will though. Tomorrow I have some job shadowing at a pretty impressive place. I've also took the liberty of sending my information out to some Pie in The Sky Internships and a few jobs. Why the heck not?

Whatever the case, I am going to kick ass this year. And if you don't like it, you can
just suck it.

Love, Heidi