Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Am Flower* (hear me roar)

But not a meercat.

I wish I would have looked more closely at the books I bought at B & N on Sunday. Unknowingly, but knowing, I bought two books by Dr. James Dobson- The New Strong Willed Child and Bringing Up Boys. I started with TNSWC and found SF isn't really what he classically describes(thank Allah). Last night I turned to the chapter in BUB on The Causes of Homosexuality and then The Single Parent and Grandparents.

OMG. My blood just started to boil. Little did I know I purchased books from a man who thinks homosexuality is a treatable 'disorder'. And rather than giving real solutions for single mothers, he goes into a story about how his own wife came from a broken home. He continues on by saying that his wife's mother prayed for a good man to come along and take care of them. What do you know? It happened and he's been a loving father-inlaw for over 40 years. Apparently if SF spends too much time with me, that's unhealthy and he really needs a man to show him the way in the world.

There are even a couple of pages he devotes to some reformed liberal now confirmed right wing dipshit who finally relented and let her boys play with toy guns after a bonding trip to Gettysburg. I could go on and on, but why bother? According to Mr. Dobson, I am royally screwed. With these odds I'm sure SF will be a flowery flouncing homo if I don't get a good man into his life soon or he'll be in prison eventually. Well Mr. Dobson, I disagree. Focus on my middle finger.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Blue Italian

I just hate it when people I like get involved with assholes. Assholes who take advantage of their ideas, their hard work and claim them as their own. These are the same assholes who want everything for free and when you expect them to pay for something they usually exclaim "non profit". Assholes.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Italian Blue

A little late night madness.

A message to Snowflake and his sassmouth.

Now, that's better.

Next: some new mod furniture to funk the joint up...

Monday, January 28, 2008


This afternoon I went to open the refridgerator for the pizza from last night. I ate a piece and I sensed a weird astringent scent. Ick. I opened the frigidare(my polish granny's usual name for it) and investigated. Cabbage was firm and fine but I tossed it anyway. Romas were alright but being paranoid I threw them away. That left the crisper... There in the twilight of its age sat a deflated clementine hiding its hideous secret. It was green, GREEN! Green like only freakish mold can be and it smelled like, like the sterile vault of some Doctor's office from childhood. Swabs...the most pristine Q-Tip imagined...almost like the liquid nitrogen they freeze warts off with. Mmm...

On Sucking

It's amazing how not working takes away from my blogging time. Seriously. The last thing I feel like spending time with is the computer, even though it's my sweet ancient baby in terms of its age and speed. I've had every intention of writing about the wonderful and beautiful scarf I received from LaLuna and the cool recycled bags Chrissy sent from the real Northwoods. I will get to it with pictures, I promise!

Bah. I spent the weekend painting my mom's living room. It's a big bastard of a room with 12 ft ceilings and we're both short, so it was a taxing nightmare. Special thanks go to GlamGranola for borrowing us her six foot plus ladder/husband. We couldn't have done it without you, Pedro!

Beyond the blue was a seriously demanding Sunday with SF that left me spending the $100 my mom gave me for helping her on parenting books from Barnes & Noble. No, I don't want your damn discount card for $25. You'd save $ effing thank you. But really, I'm okay.

I have figured the trick to controlling SF's behavior is via his access to the vacuum. Yes, the vacuum. He knows the difference between a Dyson, a Hoover, a Cone, a Shark and an Oreck. And he loves them all deeply. For good behavior he gets to vacuum after school. And if he isn't a good little drone, he won't have access. For him it will totally suck. How ironic.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

One (of the many) Thing(s) I Hate About You

I knew it was premature of me to go to an employment service with the hope of being referred to a job that I thought I'd be perfect for. Instead it just crystallized how much I despise this shit hole that I reluctantly came back to after college. People can beam on and on about why they love it here and all of that quality of life bullshit, but the fact remains that this is a cliquey little berg and if you're not an ass kisser, forget it.

It's like the movie "It's Pat"-

Access Denied. Access Denied.

(Think fat ass office casual wearing a turtleneck and nails that were just too long for a man.)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I Was Happy, I Was Sad

It was a day of cleansing. I bought a vaccum and scoured the house. Then I scrubbed. I felt good because I took the dinero from my Saab and paid off my credit card en toto. That's right, no more 22% interest compounded daily. Adios, assholes. I was happy.

I lit a few candles waiting for my friend to come over. I had PBS on and the BBC World News. I just caught the bit about Heath Ledger. He was brilliant. I was sad.

Maybe it's cruel, but why is it always someone TALENTED, and not like Matthew McConaughey for example? Too sad.

Monday, January 21, 2008

On the Dole

Here I am all out on the dole and I find myself spending money that I shouldn't. It all started on Friday at the artist's reception for the Midwest Winter Exhibition. My photo looked so glam and gorgeous. But...I saw this cool quirky little sculpture and I fell in love and decided to buy it. It's called "Electric Nest Warmer." It's a crazy little copper wire bird embellished with found objects(the beak is a two pronged coat hook, it's feet: two forked serving utensils) and sitting on blue wire nest. There is a big three prong cord sticking out from under the nest. Why, Heidi, why?

On Saturday I felt compelled to spell out Snowflake's full name in adorable letters from tatiri at Target to the tune of $50. WTF. It looks great though. In a flash of buyer's remorse it made me wish I hadn't given him two middle names. Oy.

Today I scored some gingerbread Wiltonware baking tins at a local cook's shop for $2.50 each(normally $10.99). I bought two. Now I can make 18 gingerbread men out of jello, brownie or cookie batter at the same time.

The hilarious bit? I've lived in my house for 14 years and I have NEVER made cookies ONCE.

Then it was on to Target to look for a decent stick vac. I'm sick of lugging in the Shop-Vac from the garage and then hulking it upstairs to get the daily infestation of boxer and pug hair sucked up.

I left without a new vacuum. I came home with a really cute red Isaac Mizrahi party dress($49.99 now only $12.48), a really cute camisole by the same($27 now only $6.98), a Bodum hot chocolate maker frother pot($29.99 now $7.48), four dark chocolate candy bars to make said chocolate and a couple of insulated covered cups to put that or whtaever SF drinks in the livingroom so it doesn't spill all over.

I can see myself now, all June Cleaver in the kitchen, apron tied on to protect that fancy dress as I toil away baking gingerbread man shaped chocolate chip cookies. Man, I love unemployment! It's definitely not pineapple. But it's sweet.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I'm a Member

After waking up at an unusual time and feeling nauseous, the morning progressed into a panicky state of breathing and substances exploding out of both ends. Well Annie, it looks like I've finally joined The Club.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Ghost in the Machine

I hate feeling stupid for something I thought. Tonight I told my mother that it sucks when there isn't one person in the world that totally digs you. After my Christmas party I found a shirt that reminded me of someone. I inquired if it belonged to anyone and no soul claimed it. It smells so good. As I was driving home alone, I thought about how lovely gray flannel is and wept. In the background:

Just between you
Just between you and me.

Street Urchin Scrounge

This afternoon while I was looking for 'jobs' I ate some raw sugar snap peas. It must have been a shock to my system to have all of that greeness come down the pipe. That, or the Guatemalan poop used to fertilize them at 6000 feet. I was nauseous. I ate a cracker. I watched part of the movie "Thirteen".

Suddenly it was time to pick up my little sprite and I dashed out the door, ready to spew at any second. On the way there I noticed the debris of some expunged renter. A mountain of cast-offs piled the boulevard. I spied a Red Wagon and thought hmm...

As SF's teacher was buckling him in, I urged him to quickly cooperate so we could check out the curbside treasure before someone else snatched it up. I hopped out and it looked nice, almost new. Damn, one front wheel was missing! Consulting SF, I asked him if we should take it anyway and try to find a replacement part.

When we got home, I flipped it over and discovered a 1-800 number on the bottom along with the model and date of manufacture. Sure as shit, we have a new wheel on the way for $9.57 including shipping. The gods are smiling on me today. Perfect cure for nausea.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Woobies and Such

I usually only wear cashmere sweaters. Years of shopping at TJ Maxx after Christmas have allowed me to acquire a nice assortment. However, my favorite charcoal gray v-neck had been forgotten in the bowels of the basement for too long. I wore it so much that it now has a Tom Waits in The Fisher King kind of look to it. At the cuffs are tears that allow me to stretch them, hook them, around my thumbs lending a nice ragamuffin flair.

Well, I finally picked it up off the floor and washed it. The unseen and mysterious fabric eating creatures of that familar dungeon have left their mark by eating a nice grouping of holes at the midsection. I'll still wear it though. I don't give favorites up easily. Sometimes never.

Freaking Out = Stocking Up!

The morning of week #2 started well enough. Drop SF off and go to the Y. Worked out and decided to go to 'Big Lots' for 'reasonable', almost expired foodstuffs. I spent about $46 and got a plethora of organic food including Muir Glen soup and Barenaked Granola. Then I went and got a large size vanilla iced coffee.

I decided I should check out "Aldi" since I've never been and I'm watching my cents. Not the store for me. I didn't buy a thing. Then it was on to WalMart's evil seductor, Sam's Club where I bought water and some other things that totalled $136. Hmmmm, yeah. Thirty tablets of Airborne and the Princess Bride...

It was on to the grocery store for a few small things like chocolate Silk and fruit. The cart was full of perishables and came to $116. I did get a big bottle of zinfandel(not the girl drink drunk kind...this is RED, RED, RED).

I'm stocked up. Now all I gotta do is cook! Uh oh.

When You Have Water

You may as well make snow.

This was from last week. We're now in the middle of our annual January thaw. Total weirdness for Wisconsin. Usually we're wearing shorts when it hits 40 in the Spring.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Saab Story

Last Friday I sold the Saab to a friend of mine. I suppose it couldn't have happened at a better time. I loved that car, but gone with it goes all of the memories almost forgotten. I borrowed that car to SF's other person a few times and there was a cigarette burn(yeah, thanks for being so careful...) that I looked at every time I drove the car. Boo Hoo.

Well, here I go again(on my own) to take SF to school in my 'jamas. I think I'll get some Joe and drive around for awhile. Good morning! Good morning! Good morning, morning, morning, to you! (sing it with me)

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Getting Dressed

Well, I'm off to take SF to school. Today I actually have to make myself presentable and drop off my photo at The Center for Visual Arts. I had a dream last night that I was late in getting it to them and I couldn't be in the show. I think I'll come home take a quick nap and then get going. Maybe I'll make some coffee. Annie, get your gumption.*

*note to self

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


You know what I love? That tasty crazy salad dressing you get at a Japanese restaurant on plain old iceberg lettuce(okay maybe it's just Japanese restaurants in Wisconsin?!). You know, it's like pumpkin colored and it probably has ginger and garlic in it. Does anyone know how to make this? I'll love you long time, if you do.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I Don't Know

...if it was a combination of the leftover brandy slush, one Drixoral and three Excedrin PM's, but I slept for 12 hours. I haven't done that in a bazillion years. My mystery illness has vanished upon waking, more so, no more sore throat! I could cry out of sheer joy! A miracle! I have to say, the sun is shining(for reals), the laundry is done(and folded and put away) and the trash is thrown out. I feel so rested and refreshed. I'm going skating. Happy New Year!