Is it wrong to be bothered by someone who has shown you nothing but kindness? Is it alright to turn her away when she shows up bearing gifts unannounced? Can you be cold and give her the brush off just because you're sick of thinking about that part of your past? The truth is, the past will always manifest itself in the best thing that ever happened to you.
Snowflake's Y is not a part of our life. After I had the baby, he made a few pathetic attempts at showing interest, but ultimately fizzeled out like a glass of 7-Up that has been left out on your college nightstand for days. Maybe you're drunk or maybe you're too lazy but one night you take a drink. It still tastes sweet, but it will never be the same, you might even gag. You may in fact never want another frigging 7-Up ever again. EVER.
I haven't spoken to or seen him in over a year. He's supposedly living in this town. We have never crossed paths. His mother adopted him when he was about three and half years old. His history is unbelievably sad, but sad is no excuse for dealing with your life and the here and now. I refused to seek paternity. I don't need the money or the headaches.
She says I was the best thing that ever happened to him. The first time she stopped here after I had the baby she cried and told me how sorry she was. She brought Snowflake a present. She's stopped a few more times since then, always just before or after a holiday or birthday. I get the usual burnout update on the Y and it just brings me down. I gave her my phone number and told her to CALL ME before she came over. She never has. Nor has she ever invited us up to their country hillbilly homestead(sarcasm not intended, it's fo' real and BONA FIDE).
Before the New Year she brought a Christmas present for Snowflake because she didn't want me to think that they didn't care. She said would call me and come down with her husband and spend some time with Snowflake. It didn't happen. I was relieved.
A week and a half after Snowflake's birthday I spied her coming up to the house so I quickly grabbed him and went upstairs, acting like we weren't home. I know the baby thought it was weird, but weirder still is that he has no clue as to who she is.
Today I had no escape. Someone knocked at the door and it was her with an Easter basket. Along side her was another little grandson and her other adopted check bouncing, reproducing rabbit daughter. I had the feeling they must have thought I'd invite them in. I didn't. Instead they got Stone Cold Kiss My Ass Heidi.
I informed them I was just trying to get SF to take a nap before our class at the Conservatory tonight. Did he like the Big Wheel she left him for his birthday? I went and grabbed it out of the garage still in it's box and explained to her that we couldn't use it around here being on a busy street where traffic is 35mph. She asked if he wanted something else and I said no, that's alright. She asked how we were doing and blah de effing blah. Fine, fine. I had to get going and then she adds that she thinks about us all the time. Whatever makes you feel alright, lady.
She is a good person. A kind person. A God fearing person. I cannot replay the same visit over and over on every holiday of the year for sixteen more years. I know her heart is in the right place but her money isn't where her mouth is and I'm moving on down the line.
It's time to move on, even if it means having to bear the fangs of my inner little kitty. Sorry, Georgia.
3 comments:
Hiding upstairs is so funny. I can imagine you hoping that he didn't start crying or otherwise making noise.
I know what you mean about getting the Y update. It can be draining, especially if it's a burden that you no longer need to carry. It's too bad that she feels like it's something she still has to carry.
How conflicting to have him be connected to something so wonderful as SF. Hopefully she will let you guys get on with your lives, instead of maintaining contact to alleviate feelings of guilt. It's not her guilt to bear.
I agree with Lotus. I hope she can get over the guilt and you guys can get on with your life.
My mom doesn't have any interest in my kids unless it is a holiday. She will send money or buy gifts but if we go visit her she just sits there and doesn't play with the kids. I know she feels guilty but she doesn't ever want to talk about it because the way she leads her life would be open for discussion and she does not want that.
i admire your courage to exercise good boundaries with her. sometimes being strong means that at some point you will have a climax of some sort and it can be really hard - it's still what's best for us.
when i am challanged by something i'd rather avoid, or if i think it would actually be easier to let someone continue to hurt me rather than stand up for myself, i try to remember that i am leading my children by example, even if they don't consciously see it...
good for you! i wish i had had your strength when my firstborn was as little as sf. sometimes i cringe inside thinking about the damages i've inadvetently caused to my little ones and how long it might take for them to recover..
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