Monday, January 02, 2006

One Night StandUp

My friend Marilyn is hilarious with a capital H, so when she said she'd go out on New Year's with me for awhile, I was thrilled. Marilyn is a very petite, stacked and vivacious fortysomething who definitely doesn't look a day past thirtysomething(and we know all of us beautiful thirtysomethings REALLY look twentysomething anyway). Confident in her sexuality, she makes no apologies for her tigress-like libido.

She has been hanging out with this guy who just isn't for her. The night before New Year's she had him over for dinner. Although she didn't buy him a Christmas present, she was the lucky recipient of a maple cured spiral sliced ham. How romantic, I thought. If someone gave me something like that I would definitely have to cannon ball it right up their ass. I suppose there may be some sort of primitive charm in this gesture.

Ms. Marilyn made this delicious feast and he ended up staying over night for the first time. I guess that's what men expect when they give you a ham? Anyway, she commented that he was less than stellar in the boudoir and I could tell she was disappointed.

"You don't snore", he said the next morning.

"You don't either, you ERUPT!", she non-chalantly said.

Then she told me how she imagined him wearing one of those creepy sleep apnea masks when he's at home alone.

"You know, alot of guys in their forties wear them. You'd be suprised," she told me.

I never really thought about it, I guess. Is this what I have to look forward to? Interesting. Creepy is right on the money.

Creepy, cramped, smokey and dark, we began our New Year's at a local blues pub turned alternative for the night and skee-daddled after just one drink. Ms.Marilyn suggested we head to the new funky jazz bar. It was a smokeless hip little joint with a granite U-shaped bar, italian pendant lighting and Vodkas galore.

It was here we met Dave, a chap who was in town closing his seasonal store. After a few Ciroc screwdrivers and lively conversation, the three of us went to a different skanky subterranian grotto. It was here that I knew I was the third wheel. No, they never made me "feel" that way, I just felt weird standing there as they tried to "stealthfully" dry hump one another in the dim light.

I got home at about 2:30am and felt pretty good.

BRRRRRRRING! BRRRRRRRING! BRRRRRRRING! It's 9am. "Yellow?"

"Good morning! How are YOU this morning?", Marilyn chirps.

Man, she's so chipper and she was just so buzzed, "I'm great", I say, "You?"

"I just had WILD MONKEY SEX with Dave!" she laughs giddily.

"Good for you. He was cute and funny", I say.

"Yeah, we started making out on the couch and I wasn't about to take him into my bed and have him smell aftershave from the night before so we stayed in the living room!"

I laugh alot. We agree that Spiral Sliced is no longer curable.

"You know, I should really call family planning and get myself some EZ-EC! My doctor told me that women in their forties are always shooting off eggs and that's why you see all of these older women with happy accidents. I'm either going to wind up pregnant or with an STD", she says.

I agree with her and laugh some more. EZ-EC, is that just funny to me? That's like EZ-Cheese.

"Can't you just see it? Good Morning America... a midwestern woman is going to be a mamma with twins and a grandma! She and her 23 year old daughter both got knocked up New Year's Eve,"she rattles.

"Yeah, and if you're shooting off all of those eggs, it could be like puppies, you know, a different sire for each pup", I say, "What a scandalous paternity nightmare!"

We laugh some more. She says she could never do it, be a mom again. I personally think she'd be an amazing mamma again, but I think she'd miss her cocktails too much.

She has this really nice next door neighbor who is always doing little things for her. She won't take a chance on him. He brings her bottles of his homemade wine and shovels for her sometimes. An hour into our conversation she mentions that he just brought her some cookies.

"I guess I better go and fuck him", she deadpans.

I laugh so hard I ALMOST pee my Nick & Nora's.


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