Bizness Etiquette

Written for a total Asshole:

"In regard to the business etiquette article you provided and my quiz score, I received a 19 out of 20. In fact, I think you have be a complete mushroom to make these types of rude idiotic mistakes. Business etiquette is just a gentrified form of proper behavior in social situations. I looked ahead and saw you included an article for “women” on dressing and was quite offended that there wasn’t a similar article for men. I was actually disgusted.

First things for a dolt to consider might be, “Do I stink?” “Does my breath smell because I ate garlic pizza right before my interview (maybe shouldn’t have done that)?” “Is there spinach stuck in my teeth?” “Is there grease on my tie or shirt?” “Is my clothing appropriate?” If you don’t know how to dress then get some advice because no one wants to see your too tight crotch or high water Pee Wee Herman pants with white socks from 1987.

As misguided as you may look, say you got the second interview. It’s a dinner date. Don’t order the lobster. Don’t order the crab legs. Have something simple and moderately priced. Do you order a cocktail to contain those jittery nerves? The interviewer is having a glass of wine. What do you do? As Buddhist philosophy says, ‘when in doubt, do nothing”. Don’t order the alcoholic beverage. It doesn’t make you look good and considering what you’re wearing…

So you don’t order the drink. Good for you. That is very professional. Another huge thing to remember is that politeness goes a very long way. If your mama didn’t teach you that much, you may be out of luck. In case she did, remember to be a good listener. Don’t interrupt. Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. Take a moment to breathe before you answer that question.

Avoid using words like “like” and “you know”. Don’t offer your opinion when it is not asked for. You could incriminate yourself in something you know nothing about. For example, if you’re interviewing with the Beef Marketing Board, now is not the time to offer up your Vegan status. If you follow these few tiny tips, you may get your foot in the door even if you’re wearing your dad’s old Florsheims."

Love, Heidi