Out of Control

I know I have my moodiness, my bitchiness and everything but I think I have learned to be happy for the most part with what I've been given and how the world works. My brother's death taught me to give people a chance, but also, to really trust your instincts. I've made huge mistakes in my life and I'm still not anywhere. I was taught from an early age that I had to be somebody or SOMETHING.

We have such huge standards. I'm saying fuck that. I want SF to be happy. I don't want to tell him what he HAS to do. But I do want him to have some type of higher education.

Right now I'm totally hung up on the idea that people think they have control of their lives. I think we create structures to give us the illusion of control, but the thread can break at any time. Wham! I get hit by a bus or whatever. Tragedy strikes often and without reason. We are lucky if our families live unscathed by the death of anyone under a certain age.

I'm having a difficult time feeling dealing with the fact that I feel vulnerable. I am such a loner and so independent and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about stuff. My mother constantly goes on and on about my brother and his GF are so in love and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Thats great. I'm happy for him, but we're estranged. I barely know him. Sick, right.

Sometimes I just feel like I want to move to the other side of the country and leave this fucking place. I never thought in a million years I'd end up here. But there are so many things I'm thankful for. I have awesome neighbors that help me with SF. They do more to help me than my own family. You'd think I'd have something figured out by this time, but I don't.

Nothing. Zip. Nada.

I wasted excellent years of my life working for my family when I should have pursued my dreams. But I didn't know what my dreams were and I still don't. The only thing I'm sure of is that I want to enjoy life with SF. Because although I might wish it was about me, at this point it is all about him.

Stufflings

So much stuff has happened since last I wrote on my poor neglected blog. I met an amazing person. He's super cool, super nice and just sweet. We've been dating for a little over a month and I sense there are some challenges ahead of us. And maybe we operate in weird ways. I really have nothing to compare it against since I haven't dated in a lifetime and it has been the most normal relationship I've experienced. I don't know.

Being a single sole parent, I'm not ready to just jump in and introduce SF to him and vice versa. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I have said that I won't introduce anyone to him unless it is serious because if it's not, what is the point? This course of actions proves to be not so much fun, the road less traveled. We end up seeing eachother once a weekend. Or, if I'm fortunate, my parents keep him overnight. But still... you know how it is when you like someone and you can't just see them when you want? It sucks.

And that's another thing. My mother. I sometimes wonder if she truly ever wants me to be happy. She gives me the silent treatment because I haven't had marathon conversations with her lately. Nor did I tell her or anyone for that matter about this person I dig. I hate passive aggressiveness. Contrast this with her overwhelming support of my brother's relationship, new since Father's Day. I mean Christ, he can do no wrong. Can I vent? She stays overnight. His kid is there. Whatev. He did something really incredibly stupid and she hid it from me. What was it?

Driving completely shitfaced with his kid in the car to meet her parents for the first time. WTF. His GF ended up telling me. Sometimes I just want to run away screaming from everyone and everything. There is nothing I can do to convince anyone of the bullshit beauty that is life. Can I handle a relationship? IDK. This person is facing some difficulty and it seems like I can't cheer them up. It seems sad, like a bummer and that combined with the fact that we have limited contact just seems hard and impossible. I want to positive, but it seems like everything is always such a fvcking battle all the time. I am only one person and I realize that although I think I can do all of this alone, I can't.

Just Things...

This past weekend I had a few moments where I realized I really missed a certain part of myself. And I wonder how I can get that back... I can't force it. It just has to happen. Whatever. I just think of all the people swarming around and those who go from person to person like a bee taking nectar. I suppose that is one way to be. But it's not for me. I have to know you a bit before you can know me. Stupid, stupid stufflings...

Maybe I'm jaded. I want to think there is such a thing as love at first sight, but I think that's crap. I don't think you can know someone for a month and truly love them. There are too many things you don't know. And all of those things that seem so cute and adorable now are just things you will grow to despise eventually. Yes, I can be happy for you. But that doesn't mean I don't think it'a a huge steaming crock of shit.

Solar

Clean Livin'

Sometimes I think I really should go in and get that prescription for the bucket of valium and then I surprise myself by doing something pretty much unplanned or expected. Such is the case with last Monday. When I woke up feeling less than stellar I thought, myabe this would be a good day to fast. So I did. It seems an eternity since my last fast which lasted for 14 days. I had tried since then and failed to make it over one day. Last Monday just felt right. So here I am, almost one week later and on to the next.

It helps to have a juicer that acts like a mini wood chipper. I feel good.

And in my Polish weirdness, I do not deny myself my favorite stout if I feel like having it. It's nice catching a buzz off of one little ol' beer. I've also been riding my bike to work everyday. I feel like a sparkling green goddess. I love the refocused perspective that fasting puts on me. Thursday the Creative Director bought the studio pizza and I inhaled deeply.... not easy for a Pizza Slut. The only thing I could think about during this pizza orgy was roasted brussels sprouts with sea salt and cracked black pepper...

I look good. I feel good. And damn it, people like me!

Thankful

Sometimes it's so hard to be thankful. But I want to say that I am. I'm thankful that I am not an alcoholic or an addict. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to travel just a little bit and see a few places in the world. I'm thankful for the education my parents provided for me. I am thankful for the little roof I have over my head. I'm thankful for the hammock I found on Craigslist. I am thankful for snoring dogs who make me laugh. And blow up monsters and books about sunken luxury liners. I'm thankful for the sassy little bird who calls me mommy. And his filthy summer feet and scabby knees and the precious tears that roll down still chubby cheeks. I am thankful for all of the memories I have of you. I am thankful for the here and now. Tomorrow? Maybe not so much.

Poor Kitty

I was sitting here tonight feeling so bad. Just sad. SF had a bad week in school and lied about it to me. People can say what they want, but I think he is a boy who needs a father figure so desperately. He needs to do guy things and wrassel. I try to entertain him. Sometimes I'm just distracted. I do blame myself. As I'm sitting here tapping this out I notice a few cars slowing down as they drive past my house. I look out the window and see a pile of fluff. Grab the binoculars to see. The neighbor boy is out on the median with his cellphone for light. I walk out. It's a cat. Poor thing didn't stand a chance on this street. Mean streets.

It's Alive. It's ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!

Rock and Roll Star

You can all congratulate me. The place I work finally hired me as a permanent photographer. You may wonder how I celebrated. Well, let me tell you. SF and I went to the local pseudo Mexican joint and I had two Golden margaritas because I am a Golden God. Then we went to TJ Maxx where I bought a ring to commemorate the day. It was cheap. Cheap like, ah, take a wild guess...

I have to say though, I love it, dahlings.

Originally $29.99(compare at $45.00) and made in Israel, it features a lovely Tim Buton-ish mounting holding what appears to be a 20 carat square cut cubic zirconia. It's gonna look magnificent with my ebay Hammer and Sickle (Yea, Nutrix, Ruski) eight eyelet Doc Marten boots.

So for the time being, I am going to make Chekov roll and live the Poshlost lifestyle.

PS... I just read some inspirational words and I want to share them with you:

"Or you can say I can deal with the What Ifs. Because when you travel off the beaten path, bad stuff will happen (and it might be bad stuff that you have never even heard of before). But good stuff will happen, too (and it's often extra good stuff that you could have never imagined). *You see it's a law of nature -- the universe rewards you when you are brave.*

And after a while you get good, really good, at not wearing your seat belt. So good that you choose not only not to wear one, but to ride on the running board of the car. *You see it's another law of nature -- when you stick your head out, the wind blows though your hair. *" -Morracan Maryam

Repeat after me: I took the road less traveled.

Made by Dad

SF is up north for the week and Spring Breakin' with his grandparents. It's nice because I get a few moments to myself. After running with my new four legged trainer and then taking the gremlins for a two block stroll, I went to Goodwill.

I found a book about large sunken liners(SF's current obsession). Cool. I bought myself one of those embroidered abuela smock dresses. It's black and I can't wait to wear it with my old eight eyelet worn and weary red patent leather Docs. I'll look like some groovy weirdo, for sure.

I continued to look around and found myself in the "furniture" section. It's so pathetic. I have a found a few cool things there, but in general, this section is crap. There was this little 50's homemade footstool. It was reminiscent of Japan meets ranchero caballero! It was covered in nailhead tan Naugahyde. What kicked me though was the strip of yellow construction paper taped to the underside of the sturdy well made little piece: written in a medium point black felt tip marker in handwriting that reminded me of my Polish granny it said "Made by Dad."

I thought golldammit! How could you?! What the eff is wrong with people? This really wasn't some groady piece of junk. I thought right away I would buy it. Then I wavered. I am bent on being more of a minimalist, so it stayed behind. I felt sad leaving it behind. I hope someone appreciates it again.

Continuing on to the housewares section, I found my prize: a ceramic mod owl wind chime that we had when I was a kid. We had it for what seemed like forever and I really don't know what became of it. I'm not sure if my mother is reading this, but I am going to wrap it up and give it to her.

It reminds me of childhood, when we all still had everyone in our lives. Here is to the time we have with the ones we love. XO

Gwaaargh

Gnawing on Bones

Ups and downs. Ups and downs. I completed my goal on Saturday of finishing the Point Bock Run. So, yay me! I feel good about that. But right now I'm just a shloppity gloppity pile of goo. Let's just generically call this the fear of the unknown with the propensity for seeing the glass half full.

I had a photo shoot today and it went alright. I think there is usable material for the corporate world, but in general I think I suck. I am down in the valley. Way down.

I'm just gonna keep on doing my thing, whatever that is.

I feel sorry for my dogs. My life since losing my job and having a low paying new one combined with being a mother leaves them very little time for fun. Remember, it is winter. A backyard filled with dead soldiers whose only glory lies in seeing the light of the sun one last time before they are scooped or scraped away. Summer is coming and there will be time to play. I will try and make it up to them. The dogs, that is.

Fvck.

Bullshite

For three years I have waited for a weatherization audit of my home since losing my posh job with the fam. I now get Energy Assistance and have a low paying job with no permanence or benfits. I have two degrees. Excuse me for being pissed off that they all of sudden "deferred" my weatherization audit and suddenly claim that I have plumbing and electrical hazards on premises. My home was inspected in 2004 and there were no hazards.

Estimates for removing my knob and tube wiring were $4100 and $5500. Huh. I have thirty days to do that on my own if I want to still be considered. Fuck them. When I called to ask what hazards and couldn't they so "some" of it, they said no. I mean come on. No weather stripping on the doors. Assholes.

Fuck them all.

I do feel good about something though. I am on my last week of Couch to 5k and I can actually RUN for more than 30 minutes. I am running a 5 mile race on Saturday and I am gonna take all of my frustrations out that way. I look forward to the free beer afterward since I've only had two so far this year. Yeah, baby.

Dude with a 'Tude

And he ski jumped like an old pro for the first time today.

Feeling Fine

Last night I ran the first workout of week seven of the Couch to 5K program. I ran for 25 minutes straight. Holy.Shit. It really is amazing to me since I haven't run in over seven years. The Chidler and I used to run everyday before the bambino came along. It feels so good to be heading in that direction.

I think such a huge part of it is mental. I really have to psych myself up and visualize. If I'm not in the mood, it is like walking over hot coals. I weighed myself and found I lost another three pounds. Since it was Valentine's Day, I ate some "Death by Chocolate" for my din-din. It was de-lish. Whatever works.

I have a photo shoot today in the studio: college kids cheering and then on to the YMCA for some lady basketball players. SHould be interesting and I can't wait 'til the day is over so I can chill like a dill.

New Day

It's the day after my birthday. A New Day. I sort of regurgitated everything to a few co-workers this morning in the studio. I really didn't want to but I did. When I think about it, I don't think my mother has been happy since 2000. That is the year she found my brother dead on his living room floor.

I can't imagine it.

So I have a bit of guilt for acting the way I did and at the same time, I just don't care. Yesterday was a huge let-down. The bright spot and only nice thing about the day was that I received flowers from the preggo mama I shot the other night. Sweet. Cheerful.

My mother called this morning to tell SF that if he was good in school this week she would take him to his Valentine's Day dance on Friday. Honestly, I don't want to go. I don't feel like being around all the perfect people, the complete families. Me, the single parent. It's just depressing and awkward.

I just want to find a simple way in this life. I am not unhappy. I am responsible for my own happiness.

Blow Me Down

I'm so mad. Irritated and angry. It will pass. Most of it has. Today is my birthday. I was supposed to go to my parents for dinner. Until I called my mother when I left work. She said we were going to go out. When I became sort of pissed about it, she called me a pain in the ass.

Flash forward to dinner wherein she left to pick up my brother and pizza. After a tension filled hour or two, we opened presents. The birthday card, written in my mother's handwriting from the two of them said, "I'm sorry you're unhappy."

W.T.F.

I am so fvcking tired of HER projecting on me. The first thing she gave me was very expensive turquoise blue leather handbag. Turquoise blue? Right. It looked like something she would have bought for herself. If is not a bag or a color I would buy in a million years.

It just blows my spoiled little mind how little my family knows me.

My dad started to twitch about how many 42 year olds even get presents? Meanwhile the entire evening the television is on full blast because he can't detach himself from it for even an hour. I want to wretch.

Yeah, things could be worse and maybe I'm an ingrate. Whatever.

My brother, who I share my birthday with, bought me an assortment of Packer related paraphanalia. They're right, I'll never forget it. Because it is a BIG W.T.F.

I think for my mother's birthday I'll get her every Smith's CD. For my dad, new Under Armour cold weather compression running gear. And for my brother, a framed matted print of the US Women's Olympic Lacrosse team.

Sounds perfect. Will it blow over? Only if I kiss ass to the projector and apologize. I'm just not up for that at the moment. And I cannot wait to run tomorrow night. Bye bye.

Boo Yah, Bitches!

Down 12 big pounds and bought a book on Marathon training. Maybe a bit premature, but the book is designed for non-runners. It takes 16 weeks to train for a marathon. It's just very interesting to read it. To entertain the thought that maybe some day...

I started week six of C25K by kicking ass. Bring it. I feel good. And my little dude has been shaping up with the right motivation. My forties are going to be marked by me, the single mother kicking ass. Being strong. Sometimes I wonder how I do it.

Hell On Wheels - Heart of Gold

I have a kid who is hell on wheels. I let him watch "The Love Guru" one time and it made a distinct and lasting impression on him. He's having a bit of a go of things at the school he's attending. He just doesn't want to buckle down and follow the protocols.

They've instituted a Popsicle stick system wherein everyone gets ten sticks in the morning. Sticks are taken away for various reasons. Yesterday he had NO sticks left. Plus, he called Ronald an asshole. Let me "ass"ure you we do not use this language in our house.

Today it was two sticks. He said, "Two is better than none." I had to agree.

He wrote on his face with marker today, both bulldog cheeks and cannot use them for two weeks. He looked me in the eye and smiling said, "I can still use crayons and pencils to make art!" I had to agree. I sense a note of optimism in his misbehavior.

I know this trait could serve him exceedingly well as an adult. But now... not so much.

Last night we went to hospital to see a brand new baby. When I held him, looking down at his perfect sweetness I thought, how could I have fucked things up so royally in such a short amount of time? I cried a few tears.

When SF held this new life, I was so moved by the expression on his face. I'd never seen it before. He'd like a little brother.

Bitchfest

Ugh. I am so irritated right now. This morning was a total bitch with Snowflake. It actually started out okay and then just escalated into his usual whiney bullshit. He can be so defiant I am worried about the future. Seriously. I try to be reasonable but he tests my very mettle. However, we make up by the time we get to school. If there is one thing I don't want to teach him is to be grudgeful like so many women can be. Boys just aren't "like" that and I would never wish that trait on anyone.

Still, there are times when I want to run away screaming.

Last night I did payroll for my dad and misplaced my check. When I called my mother to ask her if I left it there the first words out of her mouth were, "I guess you should be more careful with your money." I ranted at her about how she never loses ANYTHING... she constantly misplaces her expensive jewelry. I hung up on her. When she called me back, I ignored the call. WTF. Calgon isn't going to cut it.

Hilariously, the one thing I am looking forward to is my run tonight while SF is in karate. I can definitely tell I am getting in better shape and that feels great. My sweet cousin is going run the Point Bock Run in March with me. I can't wait. That is my bright spot.

I want to find a place where I can excel. I have an excellent boss here, but I don't know. I never heard back from the one interview I had. I followed up and she returned my call saying they were still interviewing and they would let me know ASAP. That was over a week ago. My dad said if they don't have the common courtesy to let me know, screw them. And gee, that is just the mood I'm in.

Argh.

A Vote for Snowflake

Is vote for keeping it real. Real "out there" that is...

Gaussian Blur

Tomorrow is the last workout of week four of the Couch to 5K and I'm already dreading it. Why? Because I know Sunday's new workout is going to be a gasping for my last breath puker. Ai, ai, ai.

But let me not dwell on that. I'm just gonna keep on rockin' the Nikon.

nothing ventured

You'd think by the time 42 rolls around you'd have some semblance of a life. I do have a "life". I breathe, I eat. I think it is the traditional sense of what defines adulthood is what my life lacks. I still have a flip flopity dangling umbilcal cord attached to my parents. Good things happen, but financially, I get nowhere. I went back to school, graduated at the top of the class and still don't have a job.

I lie.

I have a "job". A job that pays me $10 hour for doing stuff that I like. When I see the work that I am capable of, what all these fellow photographers are capable of, it blows my mind. It's like we're picking away at the giant coal deposit deep in the mine. There is no light down here, just work. We live in the anonymous glory of the beauty shots for shoes that we see months before anyone else. We are shutter monkeys.

In the mire of all of this, I have continued on with my Couch to 5K training. I started week four yesterday morning and completed the first workout. I thought I was going to die, but miraculously I made it. This session consists of a five minute warm up(brisk walking), a three minute run. ninety second rest, five minute run, two minute rest, three minute run, ninety second rest, five minute run and cool down for five minutes.

I never think I'm going to make it, but somehow I do. The story of my life.

Life is Beautiful

I had such a great evening. My nephew's mom is preggo and delivering on the 31st. Tonight we took photos in the studio and I am so proud of them. This was her favorite. Straight out of the camera. I adore it.

Here I Go

Well, I'm off to begin week two of Couch to 5K. I downloaded a companion Podcast and hopefully it will help me through. I am running through the park this time. I get sick of adjusting my speed on the treadmill. Hopefully I won't slip and fall. I'm thinking of taking my boxer boy along for encouragement. Eh. Here I go.

Late Night Ramblings

I just whipped out a website for my dad. This is like the fifth incarnation for him. He has never liked what I have done and I'm sure he won't like this for some reason or another. I feel like such a loser. The umbilical cord is still attached. Oy.

I don't want to be like that, ever. "I did this so you do that and if you don't you are a horrible lame person". Jeeebus. I ended up using a template that I had. I'm just glad it's over. I have to laugh at those people who get "me" time. Like what the fuck is that?

Please.

On a more pleasant note, I finished my first week of Couch to 5K last night. Tomorrow I'll start week two. Maybe I will make that my "me" time. Those moments when I'm sweating my fat ass off, feeling like choking, ahh. How refreshing.

Last night I watched "The Fountain". I bawled. Can't wait to see "Black Swan". Loved "Requiem for a Dream"(one of my faves). As usual, that thought puts it all back into perspective. Things could always be worse.

Life is a Mystery

It's a new year and I've made a huge commitment to my health. I started the Couch to 5K running program. If I don't die somewhere along the way, I'll be in shape to run a 5K in only nine weeks.

That is if I don't pulverize my kneecaps into a fine powdery dust. I just felt the need to get back to the things I used to do before SF. Running. Yep. I used to run three miles a day with the Chidler(RIP, baby). He was my coach and co-pilot. I used to eat a lot less too. So here's to trying and trying again.

Never say die, bitches.

In my new found fervor, I went ahead and signed up for a FIVE mile run in March. Thats two miles more than a 5K. When I told my dad, he actually laughed. I think he thought I was just going to blindly do it. It's a typical reaction. This coming froma man who today in the mail received an anonymous CD that had "To the #1 Polak on my List" written on the paper sleeve. Spell much? WTF

The CD contained a country song about a guy who was only good at one thing: drinking beer. Hmm... methinks. What a mystery.