I know I have my moodiness, my bitchiness and everything but I think I have learned to be happy for the most part with what I've been given and how the world works. My brother's death taught me to give people a chance, but also, to really trust your instincts. I've made huge mistakes in my life and I'm still not anywhere. I was taught from an early age that I had to be somebody or SOMETHING.
We have such huge standards. I'm saying fuck that. I want SF to be happy. I don't want to tell him what he HAS to do. But I do want him to have some type of higher education.
Right now I'm totally hung up on the idea that people think they have control of their lives. I think we create structures to give us the illusion of control, but the thread can break at any time. Wham! I get hit by a bus or whatever. Tragedy strikes often and without reason. We are lucky if our families live unscathed by the death of anyone under a certain age.
I'm having a difficult time feeling dealing with the fact that I feel vulnerable. I am such a loner and so independent and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about stuff. My mother constantly goes on and on about my brother and his GF are so in love and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Thats great. I'm happy for him, but we're estranged. I barely know him. Sick, right.
Sometimes I just feel like I want to move to the other side of the country and leave this fucking place. I never thought in a million years I'd end up here. But there are so many things I'm thankful for. I have awesome neighbors that help me with SF. They do more to help me than my own family. You'd think I'd have something figured out by this time, but I don't.
Nothing. Zip. Nada.
I wasted excellent years of my life working for my family when I should have pursued my dreams. But I didn't know what my dreams were and I still don't. The only thing I'm sure of is that I want to enjoy life with SF. Because although I might wish it was about me, at this point it is all about him.
6 comments:
So, like I said in the email I sent, you are awesome. I know. I know most things.
And as someone who spent years working for my family, it just sucks. No doubt about it.
But, you got the kid, the kid knows some things, and you are awesome. So, count your blessings, enjoy the moment, and in the immortal words of Perry Farrel, Learn to Surf.
Surfing metaphors have meant more to me than just about all metaphors.
Your not really vulnerable. That is a myth. The reality is you are simply not vulnerable. Sure, colds, sores, bullets, tidal waves...yep. That makes sense. But, not in the way I think you meant it.
So, you rock, and I am glad we have that covered.
You're my friend, Dino and I love you. Thanks for always encouraging me. My virtual guru who helps me put things in perspective, always.
I am awesome.
But seriously, you have it together.
I know you do. There is not some mystical "thing we figure out" all that we have is this moment, the next moment, and the sandwich we eat (literally).
We have coffee, tea, a good set of panties and socks, and nice things.
The rest, its all a myth.
I think that a lot of being in control is in being able manage what happens to you, when bad things happen. Say you were to die, what would happen to SF? You have some control of that now. Once you're gone, you don't. If it happened while he were young, he wouldn't have a lot of control, but if he were older, he might have more control of how it affected his life.
I don't know what I'm saying, except that these things do happen. You did lose your brother, and it did affect your family, deeply. That doesn't mean you are helpless. It just means that things are never the same.
And independence is a myth. We all need each other. Perhaps not in the ways we think, but we do. I prefer to think of interdependence, and that what affects one directly affects us all indirectly. We should all be here to help each other. Being too strong, too independent, can become such a heavy burden that it's crushing. Crushing to you, and crushing to those around you, friends and family, who would want to help you if you'd let them. (I'm not talking about you necessarily here...just the myth of independence in our country, and of self-reliance, and how that can hurt families instead of nurturing them the way we intend.)
Julie- Thanks for the reality check. You are so thoughtful and realistic I wish you were my Big Sister.
I never really thought like that about 'independence' could be a bad thing, but I see how it can be. For reals. I think we have to let people into our lives and I am slowly learning how to do that.
I am so fortunate to have amazing neighbors and friends who help me literally. And especially those who help me put things into perspective, like you.
Mamma--
Missin havin coffee with you.
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