Tuesday, February 08, 2011

New Day

It's the day after my birthday. A New Day. I sort of regurgitated everything to a few co-workers this morning in the studio. I really didn't want to but I did. When I think about it, I don't think my mother has been happy since 2000. That is the year she found my brother dead on his living room floor.

I can't imagine it.

So I have a bit of guilt for acting the way I did and at the same time, I just don't care. Yesterday was a huge let-down. The bright spot and only nice thing about the day was that I received flowers from the preggo mama I shot the other night. Sweet. Cheerful.

My mother called this morning to tell SF that if he was good in school this week she would take him to his Valentine's Day dance on Friday. Honestly, I don't want to go. I don't feel like being around all the perfect people, the complete families. Me, the single parent. It's just depressing and awkward.

I just want to find a simple way in this life. I am not unhappy. I am responsible for my own happiness.

3 comments:

bon bon said...

shit, heidi, i'm sorry. i can't even fathom what you or your mom have lived through. talking about it is the best way to move forward. spill your guts or the bile will eat away at it.

Uncivil said...

Heidi
Bon Bon said it best....
on another note.....
You're my hero. I wish I could get the desire to run again. Keep me apprised of your 5K. I don't wanna miss it girl.
I can remember when I used to live to run and exercise and how it made me feel, but have somehow lost that desire to do it since my late 40's?

Also....don't worry about living up to other's standards.....as long as you're living up to your standards......nothing else matters.

Heck...I'm not even living up to my standards?????LOL!!!!
My old die hard workout standards that is!

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Han in there hon. When you get to be my age, there will be a lot more single parents. Just the law of averages.

Regarding your mom, ugh. I cannot imagine.