Blossom and Fade

At the beginning of the month we had a 'snowball' fight.


He made an angel for me and now the month is almost gone.

If You Had Wings...

i'd probably bite your head off.

WTF

I just stumbled upon our fair berg's Craigslist. I'm just a tad obsessed for the moment. Tomorrow I'm going to pick up something I found on it. Damn, it's cool. Do you peruse Craiglist? Do you like it?

Psyched!

I have a friend, a total camera guru who has literally almost every great camera made. I called him up last week and asked him if he'd borrow me his Rolleiflex TSR. I think he was more excited than I was. Of course I could use it. And a light meter and the Mamiya medium format if I'd like. And if I was interested, he'd let me use one of his field cameras. This produces a 4" x 5" negative(kind of like what Ansel Adams used back in the day).

It's amazing what a simple phone call and a major colon blow can do for a person's psyche. Have a GREEEEAAAAAAAT DAY!

It Is What It Is

You know I've been in a mood, a funk, a fandangoed frickasse. Sorry if I haven't left a comment in a while. Whenever I'm around a fast modem I stop by. It makes me realize I need to edit my links list and clear away the clutter. Anyway, I ate too much very salty Sam's cheese pizza this evening and now I feel like a dehydrated Sea Urchin about to give birth to a manatee. Sick.

Saturday morning I took a bath and decided I needed a change after staring in the mirror. I found a dull pair of Fiskars and lopped off my length. Yeah, look over there...the casacading shoulder length keratin is now a feisty, fringy bob. It only took three machismo-like cuts and it was over. Sorry Locks of Love, this went straight down the crapper. Someone said 'man, you have a-lotta balls to do that'. I'm thinking damn, honey, it's just hair and it's not like I went all butch on myself. Sheesh.

So now I'm contemplating a streak of blue, pink or green. Like everything in life, I just don't know.

Blowing Myself

I want to thank my little sweetles for giving me the encouragment to smile. Chrissy, jMo, Christine, AM, J, NWO, LaLuna, Nina, Gem. Excuse me if I forgot anyone as I'm on my second glass of BOHO.

I have exciting news to share. Tonight I won 1st runner up Best of Show for 'skyworms' in the Creatures show at the Central Wisconsin Cultural Center in Wisconsin Rapids, Wisconsin. I tied with a person that awes me... we both scored 48 out of 50 points. She received best of show for a sculpture. This is a person whose resume reads like the Holy Grail. Currently, she's the artist in residence at The Grand Canyon. So, for the momento, I am very pleased, even if the ice caps are melting.

In other news, I had two pieces selected for a national juried show. THey actually print a catalog so I'm walking on helium as I type. That and the vino are sending me skyward at the moment. The day was great. XOXO

I'm Nervous and Bad with Money

Gah. I have so much crap spinning in my head right now I don't know what to do. So I usually do nothing. Most of the time I float along aimlessly with the slight annoying anxiety fluttering at the back of my mind. It's always there. I checked my bank account and my balance was frighteningly low. I pissed away my 'stimulous' check by paying bills and buying a couple of bird feeders and some plants for landscaping. Frickasse. I have to finish the cello project, I need a job, I'm gonna return to school in the fall and unemployment disappears soon. I can't say this has been a take charge experience for me. I function really well with out medication or alcohol. Excuse me while I go throw up now.

Just Hangin' Around

waiting for the sky to fall

You May Think

I'm Phat


But honestly, I'm just

Fat.

Hot Roller

The Cat Who Rides Shotgun

Pugnoir

high drama with my love pug

Have a Sweet Holiday

Coulda Been Indiana Jo

I'm taking SF to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at HIGH NOON. I know it's PG-13, but damn it, I'm gonna be irresponsible for once. There was a time when I contemplated naming him Indiana, after my favorite fictional childhood hunk. SF might have been Indiana Jo(my middle name). Ah, Indiana... I still like it.

JacK Benny (For Chas)

Came back as the frog in my parents pond.

Sunny

sunny, yesterday my life was filled with rain.
sunny, you smiled at me and really eased the pain.
oh, the dark days are done and the bright days are here,
my sunny one shines so sincere.
oh, sunny one so true, i love you.

sunny, thank you for the sunshine bouquet.
sunny, thank you for the love you brought my way.
you gave to me your all and all,
now i feel ten feet tall.
oh, sunny one so true, i love you.

sunny, thank you for the truth you've let me see.
sunny, thank you for the facts from a to z.
my life was torn like a windblown sand,
then a rock was formed when we held hands.
sunny one so true, i love you.

sunny, thank you for that smile upon your face.
sunny, thank you for that gleam that flows with grace.
you're my spark of nature's fire,
you're my sweet complete desire.
sunny one so true, i love you. - Bobby Hebb, Nashville, Tennessee 1966

I Stand Alone

I have a brother who died eight years ago this August. Today was the birthday of his son, newly 14. We went out to his mother's house and hung out, had a nosh and some drinks. I looked through a book of photographs and saw a picture of my brother with his son on his sixth birthday. It made me emotional.

Later, I ended up in the kitchen with his mother and the talk turned intimate.

"Like what if there is no heaven and this is all there is" she said. I told her earlier about my conversation last night with Snowflake.

"If this is all there is then you have to make every moment count" I say.

"Do you think you'll ever get married? Do you want to get married? Because when I left Dan and dated Dave it was weird."

"I can't imagine ever being comfortable enough again to get naked with someone" I said.

"I hear you"(she is a gorgeous woman in every aspect) she says, "with Dan I can really be myself. I can tell him I have to take a shit. There was time when I just finished giving myself a French Manicure and I didn't know if I should have him wipe my ass or tell him not to come near me because I wasn't gonna wipe."

"You're lucky to have that, to be so comfortable and laid back" I smile.

"Yes, but the dude can be too laid back. Like he doesn't plan for his future. I want to be married someday. What about you? Do you want to be married?"

****imagine deer stuck in the headlights here****

"Um, well it would be great to be with someone."

"Well, I can't imagine you married" (OUCH)

Our conversation gets a little deeper (she tells me about all of the patients that don't have family or in case of emergency people) and me a little weepier and just about the time the damn is going to break I blurt out somewhat laughingly,

"I don't want to be alone, the crazy lady on the corner with the dogs and the camera, but I can do alone" I say.

She grabs me and gives me a big hug and tells me that she's here for me. It brings some comfort in this unstable and shrinking world. A world in which I know I can definitely wipe my own ass.

Conversation Hearts

Mommy loves you, I say. You will always be the most important person in my life, even when you're a big man. I will always love you the most.

My beautiful boy(curled up and cuddled on me, his mondo megawatt blues illuminated) says,

Mommy, when you die I'll need another mommy to be nice to me and take care of me.

(lump begins to form in throat)

Hopefully that won't happen for a very long time. I'm sure you'll be a grown man, maybe with babies of your own. Look at Great Granny, she's going to be 94. Maybe I'll live that long and that is a very long time together.

But when you die, I'll be all alone.

You will not be all alone. You'll have Holden and Anthony and Lydia. You'll always have family.(he doesn't believe me, I can tell)

But when you die, I'll be really sad. When you die, I'll cry.
(can eyes really be THIS big and blue and clear)
(he is on the verge of tears...my eyes are beginning to water).

Oh, I know, I know. I hold him closer and tell him I love him again and soon thereafter he falls asleep on my chest like a tiny giant size human kitten.

Fishfrye

Flower

Every Kind of Mother

To everyone out there who has been there for someone when they really needed someone. You may have changed a diaper, wiped away tears or a stinky butt. You've listened without butting in. You've watched mistakes and triumphs. You may or may not be a woman, you may or may not have actual kids of your own, but you're a damn good mother. That's for sure.

Saint Sasquatch

Happy Birthday, Ka-stoy-kus!

Before school this morning.

Who names their stuffed caterpillar Kastoykus? Snowflake, that's who! Upon waking I was informed that it was his antennaed friend's birthday. I also had to change his shirt for the special occassion(he wears SF's t's). He insisted on putting an old party hat on his pal. In addition, I was directed to get a cake with frosting for after school. Who am I to deny a little boy his whimsy?

UPDATE!


*ps...J, you're so right on...it's all about the frosting for SF!

Perspective

This is Ewald. He will be 101 this summer.

mod*mom, honestly

This post is all about one of the coolest chicks I've never met. Not only is she a speedskater with a degree in environmental science, she's a survivor and fighter with sublime taste. She's a web guru and design goddess, bumping tiaras with Maria Shriver(this post is hilarious, READ IT!) and getting friendly with Dwell. Above all, she's a proud mama to mod*tot.

Some may say her blog is all about design. Or maybe marketing with all of her fantastic and unbelievable giveaways. What I love the most about her blog is her dedication to being green and educating everyone in the process. You never really think about how cost is influenced by packaging until you read one of her posts(also happens to be a chance to win some great product) and a sidenote explains how environmentally friendly packaging can "add 18,304 more pouches per truckload, which means they will use 277 fewer truck shipments this year to ship honest kids + honest tea, saving fuel + reducing CO2 emissions."

I won some Honest Beverages! I can't believe it. I can't wait to try it. What great timing. I emailed her and told her she made 'this unemployed mama's Saturday night." I was already a Method girl before I found her, but she totally turned me on to dropps. People REALLY do win on mod*mom's hip and cool website. She'll even send you emails to remind you to enter her intriguing and FREE giveaways. See that swank little icon of hers on my sidebar? You can get your very own! When you get there you might be reminded to squeeze your lemons or you might win something funky and lemon colored. You just never know.

Think of all the good karma + tell your friends about her. Then they'll tell their friends and so on and so forth...just like Farrah Faucett for Faberge Organics. A giant chain reaction of goodness. Thanks, mod*mom! XOXO

FYI: + = homage to mod*mom she's the Queen of +!

What's In My Bag

Yours?

The Lonely Cello

This is the cello I am "recreating" for a project called "The Painted Violin." After these photos were taken, I sanded the bastard down on my driveway. I did got a bit too zealous with my Bosch orbital and took down a corner a bit much. I got sunburned in the process. I'm delicate like that. Anyway, the idea is to create a new piece of art with unplayable instruments. I snagged the ONLY cello so it has to be magnificent.

When completed, all of the pieces will then be shown and bid on for a fundraiser for our local conservatory. I have a few ideas spinning around in my head, but haven't gone any further. I'm thinking that I will be very sad to give it up when it's done.

A Snack for Snowflake

I wish I had lips like that.

No Wine Was Involved

I felt like it was time to update my sidebar photo with one just as dorky. It's good to know my personality hasn't changed. I like the way that I can look like a demented version of someone familiar.

Here's me as an older chubbier(I mean more substantial) Chloe Sevigny:


As Kurt Cobain's pissed off lil' seestray:


Faye Dunaway in Barfly:


Audition photo for Three's Company:

Beauty on Two and Four Legs

As I sat flipping through the May issue of Martha Stewart Living featuring two French Bulldogs lounging on a bed in a turquoise blue room on the cover in an incredibly overpriced pediatric dentist's office, a shy, fresh faced girl walked into the reception area from the inner sanctum of needles and drills and fluoride. Looking up from the plethora of plantings and dollars at work at Turkey Hill was a brand new girl, beaming, like she had just won the Miss America Pageant. Nothing was like this moment. Turkey Hill may as well have been a shit shack compared to the light coming off of this youngling.

"She did great! Doesn't she look beautiful?" her hygienist cooed to her dad or gramps about her braces being removed, giving follow up instructions. After three years she was free from the metal that wrapped her teeth in secrecy.

I stared at her, smiling as our eyes met, she blushed ever so slightly like the rosy pink middle of a buff colored tea rose.

I almost started to cry. What could be more beautiful than this simple moment. There are moments like this throughout life, but here, in this one, I felt old. Her life was just beginning. I could have been her mother, I suppose. If only I would have married that college boyfriend. What would that have been like?

Would I be so tired looking as my brother commented about me to my mother? 39 and waiting for my four year old to get his second crown. He is four! I think of life in terms of how long I legally 'have him' these days. Only 14 more years and he's off to the wild blue yonder. Four years already blurred by.

I have all of these little sweet moments I have captured in photographs. The sweet look of innocence and hope. Curiosity, mischieviousness and delight. Trust.

Trust like the look you see in all of these hopeful wide eyed pups you can pour over on Petfinder. They are hopeful that good things are to come. It never wanes or dims. Like hundreds of those before me, I say we need to be more like our dogs. Enjoy the moment of our light and never look back. Even if we're tired.


Here's to you, Miss Vickers. RIP.

Flash, Ahhhhh He'll Save Everyone of Us

On Friday I picked up my lovely and one of the teachers says something about SF having the 'uh' sound as in 'umbrella' for the 'sound bag'. She mumbled something about it being hard but 'you're so creative' we thought you could handle it. Well, we got home and there were no instructions, no sound bag to be found.

I phoned the school and the Headmistress said to find some toys and blah, blah, blah etc. put it in a bag. Has anyone ever read the dictionary? There really aren't many 'uh' sounds unless you want the whole unbelievable, uncurl, unstoppable kind of nonsense going on. Toys, what toys? I thought about hunting down a gargantuan pair of ladies undies, but thought they might mistake them for my own. I wouldn't want that. Actually, I have issues about under garments so I'll just leave it at that.

I decided to make SF some pimped out 'flashcards' and send them along with 50+ cocktail umbrellas(spikey tips of danger handsnipped away by yours truly for safety) for each classmate. They are doublesided and laminated for durability. These will then be placed neatly in a one gallon Ziploc freezer bag that reads like a marquee: Now presenting the UH sound. I traced it backwards on the other side of the bag and wrote "place this side up to a mirror to read the message". Oh yeah. Uh-huh. I think I want to start a custom flashcard biz. Or something. I think it could beat writing vibe reviews as far as cash flow goes... See what you think:


I know, SF looks so happy. This was after getting a crown this morning. He can't say his l's so it's 'umbiwicus'.








All of this time I thought uncouth meant tacky or ill mannered. Not according to my beloved and trusty 1940 Winston College Dictionary.

Hey Kids

Blogging drunk is so not cool when you're my age. It's now 6:55 am and my head is throbbing. I just took three Advil an Alka-Seltzer and a Drixoral. I wanna hurl. I apologize to my friend and Adrien Brody, whom I don't know and don't really know if I'd wanna know, you know? Hee Hee

Adrien Brody

I love you, and, well your big eff-ing nose and all that comes with it.

Anybody

...wanna go to India?

Press Here

Just Right

Junkin'

Last night, SF, Petunia and I went junkin'. Junkin' is scavenging the hurlyburly piles of debris that the denizens of this fine fair city are allowed to foist upon the curb every Spring. Send out your piss soaked mattresses piled as high as pizza pie in the sky! Scrap metal, ugly furniture and the dirtiest couches you've ever seen line the streets. Snowblowers, lawnmowers and charcoal grills catcall to you a few years too late. Here we found a whole bag of ethnic goodies that some guy said looked Mexican. I think not. They're definitely more Asian. We left them for some crafter type to find.

SF just liked saying the word junkin'.

We were looking for the cool stuff. We found it in a bin not far from the metropolis' epicenter. Glassware. Unique vases, a gigantic round goldfish bowl and a blue goblet that could serve as the wine glass of a giant. Or me when I'm feeling debaucherous. Then there was this open ended bong-like lab glass piece.


I think it cleaned up purty nice fer free.

Can You Believe

...that it only took me 14 years to finally pound in a nail head that was sticking up about one inch on my basement stairs? Always thinking of the wee one, I am.

For Maggie XOXO

Fasten your seatbelt, sister!

He's Ready for Spring

Last Friday...why'm I thinking: it's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

Don't Get the Wrong Idea

I'm not really a goose person, but this one is from Italy and it's ceramic with metal feet. It was in our kitchen when i was a kid. When my parents moved on one of their numerous occasions, it ended up with me. I thought SF would like it...go back to March to see just how much.

Anyway, it was probably a Friday night and I really liked the way the hood light was bouncing off the stove and illuminating this bowl of berries from both directions. Was there wine involved? What do you think?

The Thaw

I have photos of the world that appeared outside of my window this morning. It was thick and cakey and gorgeous. I refused to shovel this beauty(read: fuck off, snow) away from my driveway. Some sweet soul blowed my sidewalks. I've been sick of the place I live and skeedaddled off to the Northwoods.

Later in the afternoon my son and I went outside to play. I dredged up the snowmobiling regalia I had helped my mother put away earlier in the week when it seemed Spring was inevitable. I met him outside where we stormed the trappings of a winter's worth of plowed driveways. It was a bastion, a mountain to be conquered and enjoyed.

"Commander! Quick, get up here before the sea creatures gnaw your ankles!" I said even though we were exploring "the moon". We slid down the slope together and fled from the Yeti.

It was a world in white. We lay on our backs and stared at La Luna in the late afternoon sky. We made snow angels and rang the big old school bell now mounted on a tall post overlooking the frozen lake. I was glad for it. Glad for the snow and for the the son and for the life I had no idea I would have. It's definitely not at all like I thought it would be. I work through it hourly.

" I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Don't worry, you will someday." -Lester Burnham

Boooooooooobah

We are currently harboring four muticolored furry creatures called Boobahs. Two have names: Jingle Bell(orange) and Dingle(purple). I'm sure more will find their way to our safe haven.

I Will Remember You

Lately I've been enjoying Snowflake so much. I have entirely too much fun with him and I just can't seem to get enough. My dad commented today that I should really enjoy him because 'they grow up so fast'. I thought it was a stupid statement because I don't think there is any doubt that I enjoy him to the fullest.

I asked him if he missed that time with us as kids and he said he honestly couldn't remember. And he said it so sarcastically. Like 'don't blame me for not remembering my kids growing up.' I don't think he cares and if he does, he'd never show it. I despise Eastern European Stoicism. Fuck that.

SF is just a squishy pile of boy sweetness and in all my life I will never forget this time I am experiencing now. I am already mourning its loss. Kind of stupid, but it is so special.

Wa-Wa-Wonder Woman!

I'm really proud of myself for saving my pops $500 to redesign our website. I think he should give me the money to buy Dreamweaver so I can really make a go of it. We were going to pay someone to do it and I decided to give it a whirl. In less than a few hours, I downloaded a free template and mutated it for my own devices. I know very little html, so damn I've just gotta say, fuckin' A, you go girl! I think I wanna kiss myself.

Check it out:

Quality Homes

Zoinks!

The other night I stumbled across "Dancing with the Stars" and was seriously blown away by none other than Miss Priscilla Presley. I asked my co-worker if he had seen her lately and he commented that he did and she was beautiful.

Ho there. Wha? She looks so puffy and weird, her face actually looks like the mask from Phantom of the Opera. Yikes. Don't move or you'll crack, 'cilla.

When they showed the bit about her having her very own Psychic Hotline I could have ralphed. We're talking serious Space Alien action here, kids. She is channeling L. Ron Hubbard in a very big way.

All I Ever Wanted

When I get up in the morning and take the dogs out, the smell of diesel in the air always reminds me of Mexico.

Trendsetter

Yo. So I had this carseat three years before "Knocked Up" came out.

These Days

When I got home there was a message on my machine from Rosalie. By message I mean this: it was a four minute garbled-y static that sounded like a dog sniffing or licking at the phone.

My caller ID said she rang at 8:18AM. SHIT! I'm thinking, that's like eight hours ago. I dialed her number and it went right to voicemail. At this point I'm a little nervous. For some reason I am predisposed to thinking 'worst case scenario' these days.

I told SF I was running up the hill to check on her and told him not to answer the door. I rang her wireless doorbell and started pounding on the screendoor.

Calmly the inner door opens and she nimbles out to me. I explain my concerns.

She relates how she was driving at the time and somehow must have bumped my number. I told her I was relieved and gave her a hug. She felt so fragile and smelled so sweet. It almost made me forget about the conversation we had about her bladder.