Sunday, May 18, 2008

I Stand Alone

I have a brother who died eight years ago this August. Today was the birthday of his son, newly 14. We went out to his mother's house and hung out, had a nosh and some drinks. I looked through a book of photographs and saw a picture of my brother with his son on his sixth birthday. It made me emotional.

Later, I ended up in the kitchen with his mother and the talk turned intimate.

"Like what if there is no heaven and this is all there is" she said. I told her earlier about my conversation last night with Snowflake.

"If this is all there is then you have to make every moment count" I say.

"Do you think you'll ever get married? Do you want to get married? Because when I left Dan and dated Dave it was weird."

"I can't imagine ever being comfortable enough again to get naked with someone" I said.

"I hear you"(she is a gorgeous woman in every aspect) she says, "with Dan I can really be myself. I can tell him I have to take a shit. There was time when I just finished giving myself a French Manicure and I didn't know if I should have him wipe my ass or tell him not to come near me because I wasn't gonna wipe."

"You're lucky to have that, to be so comfortable and laid back" I smile.

"Yes, but the dude can be too laid back. Like he doesn't plan for his future. I want to be married someday. What about you? Do you want to be married?"

****imagine deer stuck in the headlights here****

"Um, well it would be great to be with someone."

"Well, I can't imagine you married" (OUCH)

Our conversation gets a little deeper (she tells me about all of the patients that don't have family or in case of emergency people) and me a little weepier and just about the time the damn is going to break I blurt out somewhat laughingly,

"I don't want to be alone, the crazy lady on the corner with the dogs and the camera, but I can do alone" I say.

She grabs me and gives me a big hug and tells me that she's here for me. It brings some comfort in this unstable and shrinking world. A world in which I know I can definitely wipe my own ass.