As it is, I rarely watch television. When I do, it's usually Snowflake's hardcore kiddie collection which includes a few Wallace & Gromit dvds, The Wizard of Oz, Monsters Inc., Racing Stripes and of course the entire Pee Wee Herman Library. Did I mention I bought him his own Pee Wee doll for his birthday? To see the two of them cuddle is surreal.
I would definitely watch 'Dancing With the Stars' if I knew Heather Mills would have a horrible accident in which she somehow impaled herself on her own detached leg's stilleto. To the eye, to the crotch, it makes no difference to me, you Beatle Pesticide, you. I was thinking, if you'd really want me to watch this show, this would be my list of suggested stars.
1. Crispin Glover ( I want "River's Edge" Crispin Glover, or David Letterman high kicker on crack Crispin Glover. )
2. Mick Jagger (Swirly hips get your script for arthritis meds, cause you're a little stiff and I don't mean hard.)
3. Ralph Macchio (where are you Daniel-son? Can you still high kick? Do you have all your hair?)
4. Billy Jean King (because I read that Elton John wrote 'Philadelphia Freedom' for you and your tennis team bitches in the 70's. I want to see you dance with a man and make him your be-otch.)
5. John McEnroe (My tennis love god. Tatum did it, why can't you? FUCK!)
6. Grace Jones (You sculptural black living work of art. I know you have to be waiting to kick ass and you will.)
7. Melissa Gilbert or the chick who played Nellie on 'Little House on the Prairie'(Okay both of you and throw in the guy who played Alphonso too)
8. William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy, preferably as a couple. Give them all the professional guidance they need, practice and lots of advanced notice.
9. Courtney Love ( I hate you. I love you. Gastric Bypass or not. You can totally redeem yourself here and become a shining role model for single mothers everywhere. ps... gotta joint?)
10. Jack Black ( Jack, everyone loves a funny guy, especially me.)
Who would you pick?