Friday, July 14, 2006
Epic in Three Parts
For the past few days, J has been posting her personal saga in which she finally met her father for the first time at the age of 20. The third part really struck a chord with me as I thought about my sweet Snowflake, not knowing or having a relationship with his dad. She wrote about how on the big day, she bought flowers for her apartment and commented to her future husband, "I hope he likes me." My heart broke. It reminds us of the power parents hold in a child's life, imagined or otherwise. Although I take enormous pride in being the best mom I can be, I can never completely fill the place of the person he will always wonder about. Check it out.
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5 comments:
Thanks for the great write up. ;) I must admit that I was a little worried about this post..I have more perspective about the world now than I did 16 years ago, when I was interviewed. It was all raw back then, and I felt the injustices keenly. I still feel the injustice of my brother still not meeting his father. That's especially painful, because he always wanted to know his dad, and I didn't really want to know mine...I figured, if he's not interested in me, I'm not interested in him. Lots of anger and pain there.
Expect to have some of that with Snowflake... whatever your reason for his papa not being a part of your lives, he'll feel it in his own way. Maybe like I did, maybe not, but if his dad wants nothing to do with him, he will feel that pain. :(
I must admit, because of my past, I'm curious of how these decisions get made. MYOB, right?
J- That's alright. I've been procrastinating the inevitable post, but here it is in a ntshell or two. I am all for SF's Y being involved in his life in a positive way. I broke up with him three months into impending motherhood. He never looked back. I thought he would come around. Instead he moved to Milwaukee and in with another girl. I never heard from him until he left a message on my machine on StPatricks Day(the day I went in to be induced, weird, right?).
About a month later he came to see the bambino and I think my heart was still open to him. The whole birth experience was so emotional and profound to me, the one thing I felt sure of was that no one was going to screw with Snowflake. He has seen him three times, maybe.
I left him a note on my door in a ziplock bag(it was raining) and told him that SF was not going to be a freakshow curiosity for him on his way out of town and that if he wanted to see him he should call well in advance.
He has not seen SF or tried to contact me in over a year.
This is why I am so glad I never established paternity. He has no legal rights. I wish there was a statute of limitations on establishing paternity. I am grateful I didn't have the financial need to do so. Even if I did, his Y is not a stable person. I knew this when we became involved. I never thought the end result would be a bambino for the love of Silly Putty! The worst decision I made resulted in the best thing that ever happened to me.
So, I have never made the 'decision' to not include him in our life. Rather he has. I'm down with that.
What makes me sad is that I have this incredible little dude and no one to share him with on an everyday intimate kind of basis. I know you have to know what I'm talking about. The way two parents can revel and marvel at their little creation. I don't want to be the only person to remember what he was like and what he did when he was little. (big gulp, sigh).
Wow...thanks for sharing all of that. You have your family to share, and you take such amazing pictures. And you've done well by him...staying open to his father being involved, but only if he's truly involved, is great. The idea of Snowflake waiting for the visit from his dad that doesn't happen? I've seen that too many times with these situations.
I've only agreed with Dr. Laura once (I've only listened to her 2 or 3 times, 'cause she's usually such an ass, so who knows...maybe I would agree a few more times.) Someone called in and said her ex clearly did not give a shit about the kid, and the child was having a lot of the same feelings of self doubt that I went through. Dr. L told her to make sure the child knows that she is lovable, and also that some people just are incapable of giving love properly. That it's not her. That really resonated with me, that even though my mom always loved me, I still felt somewhat like there was something wrong with me. And she couldn't say those words to me, because my father obviously WAS capable of loving me, very much so. But they may be words to stash away while helping SF through his hurt.
And, um, just so you know...my brother and I didn't go around letting this torture us all of the time. We were mostly fine. Snowflake will be too. He's got a great mom, and a great family.
Ms. Mamma, We all do the best we can. Notice when you read J's story, that although she was mad at me, as she had every right to be, she still loves me very much. No one, I've come to realize, raises children without making some mistakes. We just do the best we can, and as long as we continue to look for answers that we don't have, we will muddle through.
I'm sure you're going to have some tough days with SF, but you seem like a very involved parent who is very aware of his needs. When he gets old enough to understand your relationship with "Y," perhaps that will do a great deal to lessen any issues he may be dealing with at the time.
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