Thursday Morning Spew

Maybe it's assy of me, but I despise Dreamcatchers. I find them so unattractive in their dust catching design. I dislike the 'mini' ones hanging from rear-view mirrors. Earrings and the like make me gag. Don't EVEN get me started on the big fake wall hanging size 'made in china' ones with the faux turquoise beads you find at a Liquidator store(right next to the resin headed bust of a Navajo Chief). They're just a more elaborate version of all the feathered roach clips I got at the county fair when I was a kid.

On Rear Ends & Happy Dances

See Snowflake. You can tell he's psyched because his gorgeous bedding showed up from Boodalee. It is so cute in fact, that I couldn't wait for him to get a twin size bed. I have to thank ModMom once again for her sumptuous and cool giveaways! And for reminding me to squeeze los limones on a regular basis.



I was so excited about making my Christmas cards on Monday that I rearended someone on the way to the printer. I just tapped him though. Just enough to dent the tailgate on his vintage '92 Cabriolet. FVCK.



Fast forward to today and I just had a large size image matted and framed of the devil in disguise. I completely changed what I'm submitting to the Holiday Show. I think I might be winning some monet, monay, mooooaaaaannaaaaaay! Then again, maybe I just got rear-ended.

Christmas Card?

An Angel when he sleeps.

Where Snowflake Got His Wings

I Dreamt of Bedford Falls

And decorated streets lit after midnight
whispering
In the quiet hush of swirling snow.

Run for the Hills

Happy Thansgiving! Open season on Insanity starts today!

What You Can

Alone, I indulged in the virtues of an empty house. Indulgence can take many forms and afterwards I felt like taking in Tideland. I began to watch. But something was missing and my mind kept wandering across the house to the lonely new cartons of Vanilla Hagen Daz hibernating in the freezer just waiting for their Thanksgiving debut with Pecan or Apple Cranberry pie.

Ice cream needs chocolate. I have no chocolate, I thought to myself. Wait, what about the Nutella? Yes. What about the Nutella. I took a huge, mountainous spoon of Nutella and dropped it into a shiny blue Le Crueset pot. I added a pat of salted butter and some Chocolate Silk soy milk. Whisk! Whisk! Whisk! Soon it was one smooth, satiny warm velvet river of wanton lust.

I poured it all over the pristine creamy white round scoops. Wait, more, more, something more. Yes! The fresh new can of cocktail peanuts sighed in ecstasy as I peeled open the cover and dropped their salted bodies liberally into the love.

I turned Tideland back on and as I ate that improvised Sundae(seriously mmmmmmming and ooooooing all the while), I realized that it was better than ANY sex I've ever had. EVER.

Which brings me back to Tideland. This film really didn't need the directors "Gentle Viewer" message at the beginning. This was a period piece. Hardcore 1970's, combining a stunning visual experience with a touch of the macabre. Could this be what it's like to be in a Wyeth painting? Only sometimes. There are elements of Alice in Wonderland combined with a little human taxidermy. Flannery O'Connor could have wrote this had she lived in Haight Ashbury in the late 60's and sucked on a sugar cube.

Like it or not, it's all about coping mechanisms. So when life hands you lemons, make a Sundae. Improvise.

Bound & Gagged

And headed your way.

The Fuze

How can you not dig a bunch of guys that crawl into a freezer for you? Okay, I've finally got it right now! Like The Exclusive Company, say it with me... The Fuze! Yeah.

Up All Night (almost)

I had the night to myself last night! The whole night, even this morning, as I type and drink a cup of Fair Trade, I can only think about how quiet the casa is. Like most single mothers with a free night in these parts, I did not go to one of the many dive bars and get completely shit faced. I like to save that for special occasions, like when The Godfather comes home from Miami. I don't know though, I just don't like it all that much any more. It's one thing to sip a bottle of red wine over the course of an evening, but I can no longer make my alma matter proud or keep up with The Bingers that we've so famously become.

I had a little film festival last night after attempting to get some Christmas shopping done. Rediculous.

Anyway, my first film of the night was "Fido." It's just bursting at the seams with Technicolor eyecandy goodness. The sets and costumes zing with shiny mid-century-modern love. Oh, and it's CANADIAN. I had no idea Canada had zombies. It's funny and an interesting metaphor as social commentary on the good ol' USA. Don't chit yourself(stealing your word, James), the Canucks hate us more than the Frogs. But how can you not love a movie with lines like:

But Bill, everyone has one!
We can't afford a zombie!

ZOMCON: When the heart stops, we start.

Old people can't be trusted.

I hate old people!

You crazy, wonderful zombie!

I don't want you to think anything we did is normal or okay in any way. (My FAVE)

After that gorgeous gem, I watched Apocalypto. I really wanted to see it because it was a huge chunk of my studies at Madison. It was alright. It's visually stunning and true to the violence. But really, it was nothing more than a formula of Braveheart. I will say there was alotta ass candy for the ladies. And cool tattoos. Enjoy.

I had three more movies to go and I decided the capper for the evening would be "Ju-On," the original Japanese movie that 'The Grudge' with Sarah Michelle Geller was based on. Apparently, there are some things that are very scary to the Japanese as culture...specifically, little boys in white body paint and faceless long black haired girls who crawl kind of Exorcist like down steps. I think this is a movie that seeps deep into your psyche. The images creep in and by the end, yeah, I was a little freaked out. I had some weird dreams. And I was wondering when the swamp girl would just pop out of the closet or something. And then the phone rang two times after 2:30AM. Who could have possibly been drunk dialing me? Who knows.

Just like those wild and wooly maniacal Mayans, I'm happy the sun is shining.


Still to come: Tideland and The History Boys

Isn't She Lovely

The day before yesterday, Snowflake and I received a little package from our Dearest Canadian. She sent Snowflake this wild little soap from the Manitoulin Soap Factory. She sent the same soap to Jimmy. I guess that means when I smell Snowflake, I can think of Jimmy or maybe Abigail and Emily. Like they'll both be running these eyeballs over their dangly bits. Hmmm...has anyone ever had an eyeball on their a$$hole? Maybe not until now.

Ack, cough... she also sent me something from the amazing Chain Mail God, Dylon Whyte. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Just like Chrissy.

Dinner- A Cross Section

Mellen's Magini

I stole this from my favorite Mellen.. It's kind of Imagini. Just do a Google image search for each item and voila, instant visual DNA!


1.) Age at your next birthday:


2.) Place you'd like to travel to:


3.) Your favorite place:


4.) Your favorite objects:


5.) Your favorite food:


6.) Favorite Animal


7.) Favorite Color:


8.) Place where you were born:


9.) Place where you live:


10.) Name of a Past Pet:


11.) Name of a Past Love:


12.)BF's Nickname:




13.) Your First Name:


14.)Your Middle Name:


15.)Bad Habit(irritating is more like it)


16.)First Job:


17.)Grandmother's Name:


18.)College Major:

"Marilla says that a large family was raised in that old house long ago, and that it was a real pretty place, with a lovely garden and roses climbing all over it. It was full of little children and laughter and songs; and now it is empty, and nothing ever wanders through it but the wind. How lonely and sorrowful it must feel! Perhaps they all come back on moonlit nights. . .the ghosts of the little children of long ago and the roses and the songs. . .and for a little while the old house can dream it is young and joyous again."-Lucy Maud Montgomery
(Anne of Avonlea)

Fake Meat Isn't Cheap

Tomorrow is Snowflake's "Family Feast" at Montessori. I'm trying to take deep breaths and r-e-l-a-x. I've developed an early disdain for school functions involving "The Perfects", "The Happys" and "The Traditionals." Each family was sent a note and asked to donate a few items in preparation for "The Feast."

We were asked to donate two boxes of Jiffy Corn Muffin mix(delectable, I know! I am a reformed Jiffy Blueberry Muffin-aholic from childhood) and an apple dessert. They also said anyone wishing to donate a turkey should call the school. I sent my note back:

"I would be willing to donate a Tofurky for the vegetarians if there is interest. I've never tried nor made one. Let me know."

I didn't hear anything until yesterday.

"Hey! I hear you're bringing a Tofurky," Miss X shouts out as she walks away from her submarine yellow Pontiac Aztek as I'm picking up SF.

I'm totally bewildered by her and say, "Um, I said I would bring one if there was interest. I've never had one."

When I get home I find a note in SF's backpack that says-

"You could bring a Tofurky already prepared if you would like!"

SONOFABEANDIP.

I went and checked them out today. A small Tofurky that serves four is $13. The three pounder is $30. This would be on top of the $$$ I'm spending for a gourmet Apple Cranberry pie. There is no way I'm spending $30 on something I've never made or tasted for people I don't know who are most likely pseudo-vegetarians taking a Q-Tip sized bite out of curiosity.

No tofurking way.

Today & Yesterday

Lately Paco has taken to wearing mesh running pants to the office. I guess I have to forgive him. He IS from Chicago(Italian-Irish) and a Bears fan. Sometimes I think he fantasizes about being Tony Soprano. When Snowflake was little he called him 'gagootz'. I tried to find the definition of gagootz but all I could find was some chick referring to her vagina as her gagootz. Hmmm...

Anyway, yesterday my last pair of green contacts decided to split. The left one shredded into a million pieces. Double damn! I drove all 'one eyed' and picked up a free pair and ordered some new ones. I couldn't decide if I looked more like a husky or David Bowie. When I got back to the car, I took the lonely green lens out. I rubbed it in my hands as hard as I could to destroy it.

Still perfect and in one piece.

Then I took it and rubbed it hard against my hand and my jeans.

As good as new. WTF. I threw it out the window.

Still to come: Aqua Eyes

I'm the Green Fairy

I just got back from the 'Y' after not working out for over a month(seriously, SF and I were both sick with a mystery illness).

All I can say is that when I stepped off the elliptical, I felt like mutha fuckin' Kylie Minogue in Moulin Rouge. I was so high I almost walked out of the gym with the sweat towel still hanging on my shoulder.

With My Baby

Because you haven't seen me since August(buzzed).
I look so momley. Low lights, green contacts and new snips(totally sober).

Good Vibes

I just came back from my parents new empty house(they're in Mexico) after some de-lish wine and hot-tubbing under the stars. It was a great day. The morning started out by being contacted by the person(hi L!) who runs Bernard Allison's My Space page. She asked me if she could use some of my photos and that the webmaster of his actual website may want to use one as well. YAY! So cool. He is such an amazing artist and the shots I took were during the Luther Memorial Weekend(his pop).

On top of that, I got a hello from an old friend. He's an incredible person and I am so happy for him. I hope he stays in touch. We had some memorable moments in college. I love you, man!

It's these little things that make everything so good. Oh yeah, and red wine and a sleeping three year old, too.

Pssst...

Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

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Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.



Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.



Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.




Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.



Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.



Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.



Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.



Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.



Make a MOO Greetings Card with this image and help raise money for Médecins Sans Frontières

You'll be taken straight to a page on MOO with my image selected, ready for you to customise and buy.

It's Not Easy Being

When I picked Snowflake up from Montessori this afternoon, I was met by Miss L., a woman probably my mother's age. She looked at me sternly and said,

"Someone needs to work on not calling his classmates names."

Oh, fuck.

"Yes," I said, we've been having that problem and I don't know what to do" and I walked away with Snowflake in my arms.

The past few weeks he has had a passion for poop, stupid, crotch and piss. I honestly have no idea where he is getting them from because I don't say them. I almost died when I heard him say dummy yesterday.

I make things up like 'holy kananga birds' and 'son of a beandip' and let me not forget 'weiner bird.' I feel awful about it. I send him to bed early many nights because he's exhausted from not taking a nap and he calls me the 's' word- STUPID. I won't take it. I also tell him that he's hurting peoples feelings and that the kids won't like him if he keeps calling them names.

Tuesday was his parent teacher conference(the week before one of his teachers mentioned the word stupid was spreading like wildfire, so at least I know where one thing came from) and it was positive except for the fact that he likes to call his classmates strange things and see what kind of reaction he gets. The latest? Stinkhead.

All I do is tell him that certain words are not acceptable in this house. But he does it anyway. I felt so bad today after I picked him up. Tonight was father/son night. My parents are in Mexico so gramps couldn't take him.

I asked my brother, but his brain is like fresh tar in August. He said he'd do it, but he basically forgot about it so I told him not to bother.

Snowflake and I were sitting on the couch tonight and he was talking about father/son night and I told him he wouldn't be going. God! Even as I plunk the words out now, my nose stuffs up and I can barely see.

"But mom, I want you to take me to Father/Son night!"

"I'm not your dad, though," I say quietly.

"I don't care, I want you to take me," he says as I cuddle him in my arms and he falls asleep.



(heart breaks into a million tiny pieces)

I need glue.