Lawn Bitch

As we backed out of the driveway I pretended not to notice the unkempt, hillbilly look of my yard. My mind wasn't on the big dirt patch where nothing grows because of a full decade of toxic rancid dog pee. Nor was it on the long, Martian looking, island-like clumps of grass that proudly and defiantly sprouted up around its perimeter as if to mock its bareness. Nope. I was thinking about my morning java, and that's all.

We cooly rolled to the stop sign. As I check the traffic, I just couldn't seem to see the visual assault my lawn was making on the neighborhood. In the back of my mind I was thinking, 'but if we only lived in France!' the lawn would be a virtual buffet of gourmet goodness.

"Wow! Pretty flowers, mamma! Mamma has pretty flowers, " Snowflake chimes in, drawing my attention to the 'Woodstock' for dandelions taking place in the front yard. Yes, I assured him, they are very beautiful in their own way. Inside I was cringing, cursing those skanky yellow harlots of the weed world. The view was downright lewd and lascivious. Mowing the jungle would have to wait.

As bawdy as they are, I can't bring myself to fertilize and spray weedkiller all over the lawn. I just don't want to be spraying and spreading poison in my little corner of the world. I keep telling myself dandelions are our friends.

It was just my luck that Nana invited Snowflake over for a rabbit food nosh and suggested that I could go and mow my lawn. Oh, yay. She told me she stopped by earlier while we were at the park and was going to do it, but didn't know how to start the lovely Honda machine she and my father gave to me during one of their many moves.

What she's actually saying is that she saw my lawn and decided no friggin' way.

So I went and did my duty begrudgingly. I stopped the party, callously beheading them in the process, their poufy, punky, frondy, fluffy coifs flying off and landing miles from their lanky swanky bodies. I definitely don't care for my lawnmower the way I lust after and LOVE my big hunky snowblower. I'll just have to keep sucking it up until my head pops off.


mowing, dandelions,