I hear it at the back of my mind subliminally picking me like an ax to the head. You really should get your ass to the dentist. You could have some serious problems, you know. If you don’t maintain, you’re looking at a really big bill and you don’t have dental, you know that. Remember, you have the pergola to pay for... Oh shut up! I know, I know.
I used to love going to the dentist. I simply adored Dr. Zander. He was the perfect childhood dentist. Cute in a very 70’s kind of way and funny. His secret weapon? Knowing all of the words to “Star Wars”. That Was Incredible! if you know what I mean. He had other tricks that took me an instant to realize as an adult.
Damn the day we moved.
I was a teenager and had to find a new sadist. When I went to Dr. Howard, he said I had two cavities that needed to be filled. I wasn’t too concerned until he brought out this BIG ASS NEEDLE THAT THEY MUST USE ONLY ON RABID RHINOS saying, “we’re just going to numb you up a little.” Whoa there, sailor.
“No way! I’ve never had needles before!”
“Well, we can try and drill without it”, he says, looking at me as if I were totally insane. They begin to drill and break through the tooth and hit a nerve. I bolted upright like Frankenstein’s Bride, screaming as they tried to hold me down. He just missed my tongue.
“Give me the shot, give me the shot!” I beg.
I realized in that moment, Dr. Zander only gave me those shots when I was good and high from the laughing gas, eyes closed with a liberal swathing of the numbing gel to the gum. The mark of pure genius. Dr. Howard ruined me for all dentists after that.
It has been two years since I have been to the dentist. I thank my genes for good chompers. Thank you O Great Ancestors In The Sky! Luckily, my dentist is very cool and always has LOTS of painkillers for me. He checks with me to see if it is in fact, numb enough. He’s benevolent that way, but he’s still no Zander. Laughing gas is extra now, so I just skip it and take the shot like a champ, all the while clutching the armrests like a scared cat about to be dipped. Whileknucked, my hands ache when I am done. Sedation dentistry sounds like fun to me.
You really should call. What if your teeth just turn black or break off? You'll end up looking like a crackhead. Real cute. Yes! All right. Shut up! I made the call, I have the appointment. Happy?! I congratulate myself for being an adult. I am growing up.
humor, going to the dentist, sedation, needles, fear
4 comments:
I hear you! Mike and I went four years ago, we have dental, it is just such a "pain" to follow through.
I go to John Krasowski.
He is really really expensive, but really worth it.
This reminds me of radio ads in LA that are done by local radio personalities. The announcer asks "are your teeth looking nasty? All your friends know how rotten your teeth are, your gums are pussing and red and bleeding, your teeth are black and your breath smells like dying flesh. That's why noone stands near you. Come to Dr X. He'll put you to sleep and in two sessions you'll have a healthy smile again."
Too funny.
You know, if you're not in any pain, it's probably ok that you didn't go for awhile. Good to make an appt, though, and get rid of tartar and so on. Good luck.
I hate needles, too...I can't look at them. When I give blood, if I watch when they put the needle in, I get sick to the point of passing out. WAY too gross.
Post a Comment