the green goddess

just a bunch of kale, cabbage and cukes...
drink up, sailor!

licorice

this little piggy

"piggy"- the pug chihuahua pup

The Dish

Yay! I'm Jeanna's guest blogger! Hooray! Hooray! Sometime, Jeanna and I are going to get tipsy together! If you haven't enjoyed her blog before, you should! She has plans for something bigger in the works and she'll be moving on from The Dish. Catch her while she's hot!

i'm glad it's over and other drivel...

yay. my gigantic sale is finished. i took the really nice stuff that was left over and donated it to a women's shelter. the rest of the shit went to bethesda thrift store. i've had trouble recovering from the mess though.

i got completely shitfaced on saturday night, staying up until 4:30 in the morning with some friends. thankfully they were there when the mouse trap thwacked so they could carry out the deceased. i'm chicken she-ot that way.

it's realy groovy though, i have an echo in my living room and i like it. it's empty like so many other parts of me.

snowflake

arrrrrrr!

sf and his pal in the belly of the garage

crackin' the corn for jimmy

i just came by to clear some cobwebs and such. whats new, magoo? me? oh, i'm just fine. i finished my 18 credit semester in style. would you like to see the project i completed? here you go. what do you think? please don't tell me my baby is ugly! guh.

about nine years ago i began a process and i lost a lot of weight. it just happened. i was in a groove. now that i'm 40, i've been reflecting on all of the extra baggage i have clogging my serenity. it's hard to relax when your basement is packed with stuff from your garage.

so...i began the arduous task of detoxing my space from clutter and things that could disappear and i would never notice or miss them. i'm having this insanely huge sale of all of my stuff. i'm going through the house with a fine toothed comb. it was weird though.

i threw out all of the old report cards my parents kept for me. i threw out all of the photos from parties, college life and spring break. i threw out some photos of friends that i haven't spoken to in years. why keep them?

all of the lit papers i wrote in college? gone.

in purging the clutter, i reclaimed the small attic and made it into sf's secret lair. when i ventured on selling all of out stuffed companions, i was met with a resounding no(chipmunk style). now they're all lined up as if in a theatre watching the 13" Sponge Bob.

i found the Garfield comforter i bought with the money from 8th grade confirmation. i passed it on to the wee sprite after a fresh wash and now it is at home among the stuffing.

next week i'm having the sale of a lifetime. i feel so good. soon it will all be gone. all of those things i saved, the things i threw away, just aren't me anymore. let someone else be their guardian.

diablito

to blog or not to blog

i feel so icky. just gross. the positive thing is that i'm finishing an 18 credit semester with a 4.0. so suck on that. in other departments, things just totally suck. summer is practically here and i just want to crawl into my own cave deep in the woods and tell everyone to fuck off. ahhhhhhh.

sf and i are having a battle of wills. he tests me at every turn. last night he decided he couldn't wait to have dinner so he grabbed this enormous food club bag of skittles and started chowing. when he refused to stop, i said fine, go ahead. enjoy those. you can eat all the skittles you want. in fact you can have fucking skittles for breakfast lunch and dinner. go right the fuck ahead.

this morning the nanny texted me and said he threw up all over. i didn't feel bad. honestly, i just want to jump on a plane and never look back. yes, i do mean to bitch because it has been hard. very hard at times being a single parent. and it outright sucks sometimes. so excuse me while i just scream loudly to myself and FUCK! FUCK! FUCKITY! FUCK! copiously.

piss off.

things that go bump in the night

i have so many strange dreams and thoughts. i vacillate from thinking 'i should write that letter' to 'fuck it'. these feelings of fondness are usually sparked by tom petty songs. the longer you stay away from writing the harder it seems to be. like do i really want to write down what i'm feeling?

i feel attached in time to someone. i haven't spoken to this person in a very long time, but the feeling is always there. it's a fuzzy little creature living in the nether regions of my mind. upon waking i have remembrances of this 'thing' rooting around causing a disturbance or two. fighting with the locals. usually it leaves me with a glow. and then i think, am i nuts?

someone can send you a line or two and you can sense their warmth. they really have it. others are so removed and obscure that any attempt at connecting with you seems bizarre or contrived. what the fuck do they want? honestly, they need to come right out with it and not fuck around. no cryptic babble, please.

whatever.

baby, don't it feel like heaven right now? don't it feel like something from a dream? why yes it does and yes it is.

a dream.

coupla things...

a film i made today...

something fresh

i found a link to this article from Dana + Nate's. it's just what i needed after my venomous spew. sweet. new yorkers are so much cooler than wauhiscans. they'd call the keystones, believe me.

i don't wanna talk...

about the things i've been through, but what the hell. today i just feel like bitching and ranting about the dismal, rotten, raunchy, clique ridden place that wausau, wisconsin is. it has no down to earth sensibilities. it doesn't matter if you're a slob or a blob, it's who you know. why the sour grapes, mamma?

oh, i don't know. i'm here there and everywhere and the one thing that i know is that i will never fit in. that is O-K-A-Y. because i don't TRY to be different, i just am. i always have been. i was always the obnoxious, goofy gradeschooler. in high school i was the weird dresser. now i'm the non traditional student who could pass for traditional. wardrobe circa 1991.

WTF does it mean? pre mid life crisis? nervous breakdown? drug induced hallucination? everything about my life is non-traditional and i'm floundering in a sterile, wannabe a big town berg. the thing about real towns is that they change. everything here is the same year after year: oh, sure the stationary or the theme may change, but it's the same tinpins showboating their dominanace in the "art scene", the "publishing world" and charity events.

i wish the maggots would gag.

tasty

this is my cool peanut jack-knife that i received
from someone special, years ago. i still keep it
in my pocket or dangling from a belt loop.
you'd better not meet me in a dark alley...

va-va- vomit!

can you hear the huge, hearty sigh echo from my lungs across the miles? i had my first job interview in twenty years. now, all i want to do is have a margarita. lots of them. i think it went alright and in all honesty, i'm honored to have gotten the interview in the first place. as soon as i was done, i changed my clothes and felt immediately better.

a part of me wonders if i can make it in the 90 degree angle world. i'm totally obtuse for the most part. i like it that way. still, i want to make buckets full of money and still be able to wear pigtails and not pointy shoes with heels. will i ever find that special place?

love, me

froot loops

my little love in mexico, december 2008

birfday!

"mommy, i want my cake to be half green and half purple and i want it to say 'happy birthday true and holden'". done. what a sweet kid. he is so sharing.


the cake couldn't have been any more adorable. that's my 1955 Roper range it's sitting on.


this is holden james...


patiently awaiting the signal to blow...


blow little feesh, blow!


love you, babe. can't believe you're already five. xoxo mommy

snowflake went a ridin'

MKE

revise and drink heavily

i think i'd like a little...

primal scream therapy.

progress

I have to say, I'm pretty fricking pround of myself. I have six pages with rollovers for the links and it all works. When you roll over the links they change from a cream text with a drop shadow to a dark turquoise with an outer glow. Pretty spiffy, I must say. The logo at the top links back to the index page you see. The only thing I didn't do was physically take that photo. I'm sure I did this the Polish way, but it looks completely KICK ASS and I did it without any help from anyone. Damn, it's pretty.

Attention: ABC

You completely suck for canceling the best show on your network. I would be referring to "Life On Mars". Has there ever been a better cast on television? You had a Sunday Night HBO show and you flushed it. I hate you.

go sister

my first time

this is the mock up for a website i'm getting paid to design. not bad for a first timer, eh? i think it's pretty trick! you?

not pretty

i study hard every single day. sometimes i equate it to working in a mental coal mine. i get done and i just want to be. just be. i leave it all behind. last night when i got home i was reminded that 'jason' the bachelor was down to two chicks. and the big drama of the previous bachelorette coming in to wreak havoc on his life was just too much for me. i am not a fan of the bachelor.

i honestly have no shame in calling them stupid twats. i don't care how MENSA they might be. i realize i relish in criticizing them from the comfort of my dark red leather and nail-head sofa. why is it that it's OK for the bachelor to have a kid and the potential concubines are forbidden? obviously women with kids are damaged goods.

and the bachelor? i know those nostrils have to be the home of crusty critters. i hope he carries a pocket mirror. the dude reminds me of a little ape. he is 'ape like.' i think it's a huge sign of desperation and how ridiculously we cling to the notion of the romantic love fairy tale. i feel sorry for his kid.

yes, it sucks to be alone, jason. i know the feeling. but i'm also not going to sell myself out and pick someone out just for the sake of 'not being alone.' the world is a huge place and i'll never send the message to my kid that you need someone to 'complete you.' it's a nice idea, but gag me. grow a pair.

moving on to much deeper drama, the season finale of the deep 'true beauty' was on afterwards. it's all about what's on the inside. this show is the brainchild of none other than ashton kucher, who just has to be one of the deepest people, EVER. one of the judges was the waifish cheryl tiegs, who at times was overwhelmed with the choices she had to make. visibly shaken, when she spoke, i think it was obvious her plastic surgery affected her speech. i think she and michael jackson share the same doctor.

vanessa manillo, former TRL host was another judge who i thought might let her lady parts get the best of her. although she claimed inner beauty was key, you could tell that she had a thing for old turd head ass face, Joel. that guy. that crazy guy. he is completely ignorant of his lack of humility. i think he and ashton will become great friends. ashton's mom even said that joel's relationship with his mom reminded her of her own with ashton. that is so fricking heartwarming!

the voice of reason came from fashion expert, nolin marin. he knows what's pretty and has that super keen gay man sensitivity to superficiality. and he can smell bitch from a mile away.

in the end, i was happy they chose julia. honestly, i never remember her saying anything horrid or scathing. she was genuinely sweet, took risks and wasn't a backstabbing f-wad. she'll be included in people magazine's 100 most beautiful people issue. and even though joel didn't win, he'd be an awesome model for soldier of fortune or instinct magazine. joel, you'll always be a winner in your book. that's what counts anyway.

winter mugging

on a good day

looks good from the neck up

Cheesy

This was almost exactly one year ago...

I know...I haven't got out much lately



But it just snowed the night before last and it looked just like this:

yesterday morning. I had to get out Big Red, my trusty snow steed.

good juju

i really love being in school. i always wanted to be an acedemic. back in the day, i imagined myself the college lit professor, but when big daddy wouldn't help me with my finances, i gave up. what a wuss i was. but now i'm BACK. back in the new york groove.

i enjoy every single thing i'm learning and although it's time consuming, it's not like work at all. it's fun. and that's what your work should be, right kittens?

sorry, gotta go! talk soon. yeah, right!

Getmooh is an automated call back service. It is designed to help you escape a variety of situations by calling you automatically on your phone at a pre-specified time and playing you a recording which will either instruct you on what to say to elude your tormentor(s), or which will simply give a convincing sense of you being on an important call. Just put in your phone number and schedule the day and time to receive the call.

because it tastes good

ahead of me is balding, flannel shirt, bowling jacket, beer belly with no wedding ring. i'm staring into the basket: two cans of dinty moore beef stew, two packets of hillshire farms 'little smokies', one six pack of miller lite in cans and one 'smart ones' frozen dinner. i mean, why bother?

my little pisces

The Astrological birth sign of Pisces (February 19 - March 20)is usually associated with being extremely creative, sensitive, and artistic, and as having a healthy fascination with the metaphysical and spiritual.

Pisces are the most intuitive and spiritually developed of the zodiac birth signs. Aptly called "old souls", Pisces thirst for spiritual knowledge and personal growth. They are the twelfth, and last, of the Zodiac signs, and as such, tend to have a more finely tuned intuition, sixth sense or extrasensory ability to perceive others feelings.

eat me

I spent Sunday afternoon grossing myself out by watching "Eaten Alive" on Animal Planet. It was so disgusting I couldn't look away. All I know is I never want a female bot fly to bite me, leaving one of her eggs to grow a freaky worm under my skin. Or to get a tapeworn and have hundreds of cysts incubating in my brain causing what the typical doctor around here would most likely diagnose as a simple 'migraine'. It made me thankful that I didn't have a penis so that the dreaded candiru couldn't swim up my urethra. I've got to remember to be thankful for the little things.

did i mention

...one of sf's favorite phrases is "a-double-s". he'd say things like, "what do you want a big cup of (a-double-s) or something?" or "let me talk about a-double-s's)" or the classic "you look like a (a-double-s) head". i finally had to break down and tell him that YES! you know how to spell a word and what the word he spelled meant. now he only uses it for effect or when we're in public. what a guy.

waiting

...for his master to return from the surf. or is that snow?

onward

I cannot stand people that won't put in the work, the time, the effort. Like people who want something from you and whine about not getting it when they don't put in the effort to make you want to do what they want. And then they put the guilt trip on you. "F" them. Know what I mean?

I'm glad that I can handle being a loner. I have my fits of mini-despression and poor me, but then I get over it. There are times I wonder if I shouldn't just take a little pill, but then I think I don't want to be labeled. I put enough labels on myself. The feeling passes and I go on. I can't afford to wallow in it. I have way too much shit going on.

As far as my birthday is concerned, I feel like I have been ripening on the vine. A late bloomer. I appreciate things so much more now than when I was in my 20's. I know I wouldn't have been as good of a single mother. I know what is important and what's not.

In some ways, I feel like a kid again. I have my whole life ahead of me. And no one is going to stop me.

presents!

Would anybody like a 2009 Marshfield Clinic Fine Art Calendar featuring my work in the month of August? Yes, you'll get all 12 months, including my month!

ambient

I put a request out there for a musician to create an original score for my film. Of course, I can't pay you anything, but you will get credits and a copy or two of the film, I wrote. Within an hour, I received a response from someone. He sent me links to samples and HOLY SHIT! He is incredible! Did I mention his work sounds like something David Lynch would use?! YES!

I'm scared though.

I pitched my idea to him and I don't know what he'll think. I think it's hilarious, but he might be all about the seriousness of things. My mantra for today is: YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU PUT IT OUT THERE.

mad, mad idea!

i am so excited! it took me a week but i've come up with a killa idea for my film. in addition, my extremely good looking friends have decided to help me out and be my STARS! let me just say, it's a twisty remake of Rosemary's Baby. i bust out laughing everytime i think of the final scene. stay tuned...

workin' it

it's about 6:30 pm and in a few moments i will be leaving the lab. the la-bor-a-tor-eee. my second home. i'd go to the Y-M-C-A, but i'm too lazy to rush home, get my kit and leave right away. sf is at the padres so i'm thinking that it is a ME night after 8.5 hours of straight work. i am exhilarated and exhausted all at once. time for vino. L'Chaim, amigos!

way up north

school, yes my school has been closed for two days because of the bitterly cold temperature. this really sucks because i use their gear for everything. there is a bright spot though. their server works better on my mac than in the school. how f-ed is that?

i feel good. nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, so good. i'm gonna read 60 frickin' pages of "Visual Basic 2005: An Object Oriented Approach". i'm calm. i went to the Y-M-C-A and then took a shower. i smell all pink grapefruity shea butterish. i smell so good in fact, i want to hug myself. maybe i'll make a date with myself later.

the universe is speaking

the sun is shining brightly but it's deathly cold. the other night some guy sleepwalked out of his house and froze to death. school was canceled today. i feel like i have a fog hanging over me due to pinot evil. oy.

my parents called me and said someone left a message on the machine at work "thanking me for everything i had done for them". i was like, wtf, half giggling. in any case, it made my day. i recorded the message to my phone. i think someone is trying to send me a message.

clean the bathrooms.

i want to try

and write everyday. so my plan is to jot something down here just to keep my sanity. this morning i made some java in the senseo so i didn't have to buy any. it's tasty. i also ate a peanut butter crunch clif bar. i feel pretty good as i contemplate opening up powerpoint for the first time. ah, the computer lab, my second home. i love my bathtub. i enjoyed my bath this morning. the smell of honey, i washed the kids and the charity pot. that's me. ooooo. i forgot! my patchouli is in! must pick up! stinky, stinky.

making movies on location

Dear Diary-

WTF was I thinking when I decided to man up to 18 credits of educational challenge? Not only am I swimming in the graphical sea and crawling around the web(all the while chewing on a big thick book about Visual Basic), I have to make a real movie from conception to release. It has to be at least three minutes in length. I definitely don't want to edit baby video. Or put together some mellodramatic bucket of serendipitous memories. Do I go off the deep end and make some ode to David Lynch, with my own secret meaning? Or do I stick to what I know and make a good old fashioned schtick about a girl and her snowblower...

malm in my room

This is the malm bed I scored on my maiden voyage to ikea. Originally I was set up to buy the queen in a deep brownish black at full price(199 + 60 for slats + 10 for the midbeam). Lucky me. On the way to the check out I spied the as-is section and found the same bed in birch veneer for only $79!( The damage is so minute and not visible I couldn't pass it up since I'm mega pobrecita). I felt a wave of relief sweep over me as I knew I wouldn't break the bank on this. It was a match made in heaven and Poland. No wonder I love this bed. It was a cinch for one person to set up and it sleeps as good as it looks. I feel so grown up by going up 5" up off the floor!

pelicanos*

*they both have big mouths

me looking skyward

time marches on

I am a frustrated single parent that wonders what the fuck I'm doing. I am a full time student with nary an existence of a social life. Part of this is me feeling sorry for myself. I do and I bawl about it sometimes. My immediate family is tiny and my brother and I share a birthday and we don't get along. I feel like I don't share anything real with him. When I talk to him it's like talking to a Freud like creature that withholds his own opinions yet absorbs mine silently like a sponge.

My 40th birthday is coming along very 'soonly' and I don't know what to do. Fuck. I am not close to anyone. It's not a very good feeling. I suppose I made it this way. I take responsibility for my part. And now I pay the price. Silence is requested from the peanut gallery.