The Wrong Side of the Bath

Does anyone know what it feels like to have a wet Dr.Suess toothbrush run up the crack of your naked ass?

I didn't think so.

Boys are so much fun.

Nose Candy

(Yeah, he's done the rock)

Just when I think I may have given birth to the next Einstein, he does something less than savory. No, he never played with his own feces or even pooped in the tub. Not once. He did swallow a penny though. I was fine with it until I started reading penny horror stories online. Oh, the joy!

We were sitting around this afternoon. I was editing some photos and he was kneading the Play-Doh(isn't that a great euphemism for masturbating?). He found a small polished rock that came from a vase of flowers my mom sent me for my birthday last February.

"Here, take this rock, mom!"

"Go throw it in the garbage. I don't want it. Oh, give it to me. I'll sit it on the windowsill."

I continue with my work.

"Hey mom! I have a rock in my nose," he says.

Awwwwwww, muthafuckin' fuckity fuck.

I take him upstairs and grab the tweezers, but alas, the rock is just too far gone and it's slippery smooth.

"Blow your nose!" I say, pinching the free hole shut. No dice.

Shit. Yeah, off we went to the 'walk in' where they were finally able to free the offending object after much tribulation.

"Do we want this for someone's baby book?" the really cool Dr. jokes.

"Oh, yes," I say snatching it from the nurse's paw, shoving it down into the pocket of my jeans.

We chit chat and discuss SF's cough. The nurse returns with a brand new Beanie Baby, a little goat named "Goatee" for Smarty Pants. Sheeesh. Only he would get rewarded for doing something so stoopid, the crazy little hellion.

A Hard Night's Work

It's like that feeling somewhere between exhaustion and exhilaration. Or feeling like you haven't eaten or you spent too much time in the sun. It's nauseating, like you stayed up all night long gobbling Vivarin and cramming for a test that never came. You're still awake. But you're not there.

I'm still awake. I was the Captain of the S.S. Snowflake last night. It started strangely enough with my demon seed sweet SF marching upstairs of his own volition for bed. I was relieved and also too tired to stay awake for any of the elusive and so-called 'me' time. It was 9:32PM.

Midnight came roaring forth with rapid breathing and a fast heart beat pounding in a little chest. I hauled out "the technology"(SF's code for the nebulizer) and gave him a treatment. This seemed to help and I was able to lay quietly beside him until 3AM when he awoke with a slight fever.

I asked the little Pisces if he wanted to take a cool bath and he eagerly agreed.

"Mom, will you sit in the bathroom with me?"

I can never refuse his honey sweet chipmonk drawl, so I obliged. A few minutes later I took him out and put fresh jams on him.

"Ow! Mommy! My tummy hurts!"

"Do you want some crackers?"

I let him eat whole wheat saltines(only the Zesta brand will do) in my bed. Crunch crunch crunch. Lights out, radio on, he drifts off to sleep as I listen to the weirdos talk Ouija Boards on Coast to Coast. It's 4AM.

Suddenly it's 6AM and Snowflake is literally bawling, coughing and complaining that his throat and his tummy hurt. He asks to take a bath. I call my parents and they feel bad for him. I call his Dr's office and can't talk to anyone until 8AM. I find some bubblegum flavored kids Tylenol. He protests robustly, but yields to my syringe.

I give him his alpaca fur teddy bear and almost immediately he curls up in bed, vanquished and relieved by the medicine and the brief respite it provides.

It's 7:37 AM and my sweet Prince sleeps, he sleeps.

Jeepers Cripes!

Snowflake has a nasty cough that I believe he inherited last week from his usually sick cousin. He escaped 'Little Spores' today and came with me to work where he proceeded to take a red Cray-Pa and write on the carpet. This provoked me into having a cup of Paco's industrial boilermaker coffee which has now led to the internal high pitched whine of me freaking out in anticipation of my responsibility as a 'wedding photographer' this weekend. I.Can't.Breathe.

MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY

I wonder if the Crown Bookstore carries The Cone?

Goodbye, Old Friend

Only the Cynical Girl could move so freely from thoughts on Bacon to bush. (Okay, secretly I hope she stays on the dole for a while longer just so I can benefit from her scouring of the web.) Damn it, I have to buy a wedding gift so I guess The Cone will have to wait. It's all about versatility. Alas, sweet Oral-B, I knew thee well.

From the website:

The Cone’s funky, contemporary design means that it doesn’t need to be hidden away when Granny pops over for tea… unlike most other toys, it’s not based on a man’s bits.

There are two buttons on the The Cone which control 16 fantastic programs, all varying in speed and power with some cleverly designed pulsing programmes to get you going. There is even an orgasm mode for the less patient! Great fun for solo or duo use… We hope you have as much fun with it as we have!

Hey Honey

Today's Yahoo! Spotlight

Today I received an email from the personal ad I put on Yahoo! from a guy named "Rich". He actually looks sexy, but then I read this in his profile:

"I am a chemical engineer. I wish to meet a NICE & CLEAN woman that wants to be loved in and out of bed. I am a good man, but can be bad."

I responded with this:

"Hi Rich-

Can you elaborate on this:
"I wish to meet a NICE & CLEAN woman that wants to be loved in and out of bed. I am a good man, but can be bad."

Like bad as in 'spank me' or bad as in bad ass muthafucka?"

I can't WAIT to hear what he has to say. WTF.

For Fuck's Sake!

How curious that I'm the only person Autumn's Mom wanted to annoy with this meme. I'm not usually a memer, but I thought I'd try to appease her because she has such a way with words. She's down to earth, honest and isn't afraid to say fuck.



Five people who will be annoyed you tagged them:
Let's see what the boys bitch about.



Slick (who wouldn't want a meme from someone you just started reading)
Dino
Jimmy
Eric with a "C"
Erik with a "K"

(It is by no means limited to only them! Be part of something new - Spread some moans!)

4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.

*Speedos
*Steroids
*The Bachelor
*www.askmen.com

3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently.

*Horking up a lugie and spewing it
*People who shit their pants in church(okay I don't go to church, but I remember when I was little, I mean JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE!) Substitute elevator, movie theater etc.
*Blowing noses in nice restaurants

2 things you find yourself moaning about.

*the humidity
*the heartiness of weeds in the face of drought

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.

I obviously need to get laid. Nah. Yeah. No. Oh, Alright. (How curious is it that I choose to annoy the men with this one.)

RULES

* Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.com so people know what it's all about!
* Be as honest as possible, This is about letting people get to know the real you!
* Try not to insult anyone - unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly!
* Post these rules at the end of every meme!

Can I Just

...say how much fun I had tonight hanging out with my amazingly gorgeous old friend who's getting hitched on Saturday? Her SO is a cool person and I hope they have a wonderful, magical and loving life together. I also want to say just how in love I am with the fact that I can set the cruise control on my car to 25 MPH. Sweet dreams...

Sunday

I went out on Friday night for a "date". It was a pleasant enough evening. He is my age, has very very VERY short hair, and nice green eyes. We went and saw "Knocked Up" and although the seats didn't recline and were oversized for Lindsay Lohan, he didn't sit next to me. I guess he didn't want to invade my space. I don't know. Afterwards we went for a drink and he was funny, complimentary and kind. I made a complete ass out of myself by referring to his email wherein he said his blood pressure would escalate if we would see the film "Sicko".

"So do you really have high blood pressure?" I joked.

(Note to self: do not ask health related questions on a first encounter.)

This in turn opened up something altogether different and I was surprised and touched by his candor and honesty. When you see someone take a deep breath or you can see that they're deciding whether or not to unload something on you, and they do, it's quite impressive. After that I dropped him off and he kissed my hand. He has really nice big hands. My hand felt like a golf ball in a catcher's mitt.

Yesterday my mom took Snowflake up north so I am a free bird. I went to TJ Maxx and tried on clothes for a wedding I'm attending and taking pictures for next weekend. I did find a really cute, retro-ish dress. However, I've come to the realization that even though I'm on the road to fit fabulousness, I look much better with clothes on.

I purchased some 'foundation' garments, a camisole and some freaky 'briefs' that look like they could batten down the rolls on the Michelin Man. Thus, my cracked foundation will be smooth and curvy and cute. When defrocked I will look like a life size Johnsonville Brat in natural casing. Sweet.

Speaking of briefs, I finally watched "Memoirs of a Geisha" last night. When Sayuri is in the countryside, washing the beautiful sashes, I reflected on my life, growing up with two brothers. I always had to help my mother with domestic duty. The boys didn't have to because they were 'too little' up until they were teenagers. I remembered folding underwear, men's underwear. I hated it.

I thought about how much I dislike "Fruit of the Looms" and I wondered, 'could I ever fold some dude's underwear, especially FOTL's'? I don't think I could. I don't want to think about it.

All I know is today is my favorite day of the week.

Snow Hill

Hey, Jimblurs

Shave that muff off your face.

Flower

The (Heart) is a Loney Hunter

I feel sorry for the "Lonely Hunter". Never mind that his avatar looks like "Corky" from "Life Goes On." It's the grammar, the adjectives. I mean, who wouldn't swoon(and gag) when they read,

"i'm slightly vertically challenge with a body of a wrotwiler and a face of a bull dog. i like to make people laugh and enjoy teesing them."

Obviously he has me thinking about his package.

Found and Lost

I cleaned out a cabinet this weekend. A cabinet that hasn't been touched for probably 10 years or so. It's been added to, but never subtracted from. It's amazing what you find. In the end, I threw out a half stuffed black garbage bag full of moments in time.

Did I ever write about how much I love black garbage bags? It's a free for all when you possess one. Top it off with a generous portion of dog shit and your dirty little secrets are safe for eternity.

It was weird. I found pictures of some girlfriends at a party pissing on the john(not a john, but you, know, the toilet). You could tell it was back in the days of au naturel. There were no miniscule landing strips or stenciled hearts or tiny triangles. These were full fluffy pussies, brunette and shiny...the 'fros down below. (clear plastic beer glasses in hand)

How many old birthday cards can you keep? Apparently not enough. For some reason I seem to want to hang on to the ones from my 93 year old Granny "O". She has such sweet swirly cursive writing. Out they went, along with a plethora of "Congratulations on your New Baby Boy" and "With Deepest Sympathy".

I found letters that I never sent to my brother when I was in England. I found journal entries written on pieces of paper about boys that I couldn't even remember. Who the HELL was I talking about?

It was a purging of lives. Past lives. I tossed it all and kept the good stuff. Last night I rolled the swollen dumpster of a thousand dead weight pounds to the curb. This morning I heard the garbage truck pick it up and eat every last forgotten morsel.

Dennis

Packing a 5D

Conch

It's been a few years since HBO has been in the house. When I saw the Flight of the Conchords on Over & Under, I felt the need to swipe and share.

She Wears the Pants

A man and his Utilikilt

Am I...

completely retarded for putting a personal ad on yahoo!? WTF.

I Went a Stalkin'

Quixotic

What Can You Say...

when a giant sized glass of icy, lizard green Boone's Farm Melon Ball flavored sticky booze water is accidentally dumped right into your Harajuku Lovers camera bag(camera in hand, gear in bag including extra frikkin' batteries, a charger, cellphone, checks & credit cards, a USB cable, plus Urban Decay eyeshadow in a flimsy compact) by a relative who was not drinking and came a slipping down moss covered steps?

It's a total mvtherfvcker.

But the steps are nice, eh?

Liberty Be a Lady Tonight

Cheesecake

Ugh. I know when I feel kind of crappy, kind of low down, there's nothing like a piece of cheesecake to brighten my mood. Unfortunately it's just not the same kind of cheesecake the boys like. I feel like a complete foreigner. A stranger in a strange land. Honestly, I really relate to the song Margaritaville right now. It just sucks that I ran out of Grand Marnier last night and have no dinero to spare for more. I suppose I could tap into Snowflake's piggy bank. Nah. Here, have some cheesecake. But don't be a ManWhore. They have no class.

Ready for Takeoff

Betty Poop