Thursday, November 03, 2005

Sexless in the City(Or Ode to the Oral-B)

Snowflake, The Chidler and I live in what most would consider a teensy bumblefrick town in the Midwest. Population roughly 50,000 or so including "outlying inbred areas". Snowflake is pushing 20 months and it has been over TWO YEARS since I, your humble servant have gotten laid. That just BLOWS MY MIND. Is it time to call the appliance guy, the furnace guy or just jump the mail carrier?!

I have not had sex since I left Snowflake's sperm donor one late September evening in 2003. I'm sure I could snag another uneducated damaged male who thinks "news is stupid" if I really wanted to, but why? As one hip mamma once chimed "When you lay down with a dog you get fleas- or a baby". BINGO! As an educated person, I have to admit that the attraction was purely physical to Snowflake's Y connection. Incredibly cute but for one major physical flaw... Teeth like a demented hillbilly on crack. My mother accused me of being on drugs for going out with him.

I had recently lost my brother and thought I could open up and give someone a chance rather than exclude them based on shallow observations. Note to self: BAD TEETH = BIG BIG PROBLEMS. I digress...

So what's a hot single mamma to do? Ask yourself the same question some woodcutter asked me one day in the office... DO you know BOB? I said, no. "Battery Operated Boyfriend" he said... Immediately I acknowledged, "Oh, yeah, sure". Everyone shags themselves! Except for the armless. I mean isn't THAT a given? I'm sure I would have spontaneously combusted if it weren't for my Oral B 3-D toothbrush. Totally discreet and rechargeable! Just lock the bathroom door and if someone knocks, you're just brushing your teeth, damn it!

UPDATE! May 11, 2007 Still riding the wave. I'm the Queen of the Castle, Mistress of My Domain.

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