Have you ever seen a Whirling Dervish? It is a most mesmerizing experience. An ancient religious practice, men in flowing gauzy swathes of material, spinning, spinning, spinning with these crazy pointed hats on their heads. I feel like a whirling dervish sometimes. Spinning from day to day, week to week... endless, bottomless days that seem to meld and stretch into an eternity of "what's the point" and "this is all there is".
Don't get me wrong, life is GRAND, AMAZING and a true gift. I can't help but think I have somehow blown it all. Wasting the gift of youth on being too scared to leave the comfort of familial security. Ms. Mamma is on video as a spritely 18 year old dissing the community she now lives in. I said I would never live here, never work for my family. HA!
I live here. I bought a house here. I work for my family. I got knocked up and had Snowflake as a single mom at 35.
I am empowered by being Snowflake's mamma. This alone should give me the kick in the ass I so desperately need.
When I graduated, I wanted to become a professor. My father thought that was "stupid". He asked me how I could stand to teach the same thing year after year after year. He told me he would not help with graduate school and if it was something I wanted to do, I was on my own. I pussied out. At this point I'm not sure if I had a lack of confidence in myself or was just lazy.
I am sure my father shares the same DNA as Archie Bunker. And although he has a much larger bank account, everything has to be done on his terms. After 15 years he thinks I should now go back to school and become a teacher.
Interesting to note that when I told "Money Bags" I was applying to law school and taking Kaplan a year after college he was right there singing a new tune with his hand stretched out pledging his financial support.
I didn't become a lawyer. I became the boil on his ass. Someone he resents. Someone who leaches money out of his pockets. Someone he supports loathingly. Someone who no longer wants to be a teacher.
I don't know what I am going to be when I grow up. I don't know HOW I will support Snowflake if the family sells the business. I do know that we will be fine. He may not dress in Oilily, but he will be as gorgeous, as happy.
I know that I have been given the luxury of time. That is my father's gift to me. Something he has never had.
fathers, daughters, directionless, Gen X, single mother
