Going Constanza

When I was in high school I read a short story called "Carcinoma Angels."  It always stuck with me:  that inner battle within our minds.  And of course thinking about CANCER.

Fuck cancer.  Cancer sucks.  You know the drill.  My sweet dear, sister, friend cousin who is young and vivacious and a dynamite Spanish teacher in an inner city high school has been told the cancer she has been fighting for the last nine years is spreading and now inoperable.  Although they said she is 

healthy" and can live for more years.  I don't find that reassuring since the cancer is now in FOUR areas.

She was my Maid of Honor.  She's a stunning, hard working, gardening joy bird.  Why does this happen?  For whatever reason, I feel like my mind hasn't progressed with my age.  It's still somewhere in my 30s.  However, the zoom to 50 a couple of years ago has my mind in an existential conundrum.  

I worry about my parents and I am FN lucky to still have them.  They are in relatively good shape but that can change on a dime.  My fam is small and when they're gone, it's just my brother and myself.  I've documented some of our battles over the last years here.  So what am I saying?  

I suppose instead of DWELLING on things you have ZERO control over, go forth and CARPE DIEM the F out of everything.  

Say YES!  Just like George Costanza when he did  the opposite of everything that he normally cringe-ly does.

I am trying to take this advice and here's how:  I failed a motorcycle class that was very basic and had poor instruction.  I was bummed but the next day, I went and took the written test and passed it for my temps.   I scheduled the road test for September and if I am around, I know I'll pass.

I also took a new low paying part time job at a really cool boutique pet supply store.  I am going to help them with their website and social media along with regular retail duties like unloading 50 lb pound bags of chow(CrossFit?)  It's all part of my master plan to still take over the world somehow in my just past prime years!  I may write that fucking novel eventually. Ha.

I registered for an entrepreneurial class that helps you write a business plan and go through all of the research and steps it entails to start a business.  What's my plan?  I'm think dog bar / neopolitan pizza place.  I know it's a stretch if there are dogs and a kitchen involved.  There is a pizzaioli cert class not super far from me if this gets that far.  

Minor tidbit:  I ordered a replacement speed light for my camera.  My camera is old, but it's a sturdy steed and I hope to get back into being inspired.  Get out of your head and into your heart.  Life is too short to NOT fly your freak flag and love and support one another.  I'm going all out CONSTANZA on it.

 

Parked not Driven

Today is a dreary and dismal end of summer day in the Northwoods.  It reminds you that autumn is on the way and soon enough the gray days will stretch into May.  It stinks.  I am staring at a blinking cursor with no other thought than... what do I write?

Since I last vented about my German, things are fine.  He was the baby of the family so waa waa's are expected.  I have a baby brother so I have lots of experience.  I've been waa waaing it lately, too.  But we're not babies anymore.  I see glimpses of what might have been and glimpses of what still could be.  

My dad turned 80 a few weeks ago and it reminds me of things both good and bad and how to reconcile all of it.  Good memories, because I do have loving parents that cared for me and still do.  Bad because I know things can change on a dime and THEN what do you do?

I tend to mediate on things now like how I have wasted so much time.  And now there is limited time left.  I never "became" anything.  My dad always told us to go out and mark our marks.  That didn't happen.  I entrenched myself here at the casa and have made it my sanctuary.  God, I have been here so long and I never thought I would be.  The pinnacle of my personal success is designing the garage after it accidentally burned.  Who will habitate here after I am gone?  This is a very special place.

I'm so envious of the driven, those with goals and desires that let's NOTHING stop them.  There are so many amazing and inspiring people out there.  They are so lucky.  No, I never became a marine biologist or plastic surgeon with an office on Park Avenue(childhood dream haha).  I didn't become an English professor or a lawyer after college.  What am I?  

What do I know about myself?  I am creative and tend to be overly generous.   I am overly critical of myself all the time.  It's not fun.  I would love to find a job posting reading:  Seeking compassionate, creative weirdo for interesting random projects.  DREAMJOB!  Instead, this pastlife photographer is a "support specialist" for a manufacturing non-profit posting social media trinkets related to the trade.  It's not very creative, but they do appreciate me.   I've been parked for a very long time.

So Goes...

My Polish grandmother would always say "So goes..." when there wasn't a good answer for something kind of uncomfortable or sad.  When things go bad, so goes...

My husband packed up some of his shit and left this morning after a night full of craft beer and raging at my son.  So here I am, alone once again.  It isn't bad.  I did Dry January and Veganuary so I call this Dry Veganuary.  I am still going strong so it helps when something like this erupts.  Like a volcano.

I've had a few moments where I feel sad and I want to cry but being alone is something I've been used to!  He hasn't called or texted and neither have I.  He hates my family and we are all screwed up, entitled dick bags.  When I wouldn't engage him in his rant last night, he texted me telling me how much he hates it here and how he is so angry because he is going to "lose his dogs."

Dogs can do strange things to people.  I have watched this man who never had the chance to really bond with a dog go GOO GOO GA GA over the two puppies that we have raised together.  He loves them unconditionally.  You might think I'm joking but he does in fact have way more affection and emotion for them than me.

I am not angry.  It's so fuckin' funny how we tolerate so much shitty behavior in others in the fear of being alone.  That chick isn't me.  So I feel calm in a way.  Alone but calm.

Existential Crisis or Borderline Personality Disorder

I started this blog when Snowflake was just a little speck.  He turns 18 very, very soon.  How did this happen?  Things you never think about as a 20 or 30 something are now so stone cold front and center.  I feel my emotions so deeply its hard for me to elaborate!  Just the idea of getting old and not being there for my kid breaks my heart.  When I had him, I realized how had it must have been for my mom to let me go off to college or anywhere really.

I feel that so much.  It's such a deep note of sadness knowing that someday we won't be there.  Where does the time go?  I don't know but something that is six months or a year away doesn't seem too far now.  I feel like I lost a lot by getting married when he was eight.  His stepdad never wanted to be a stepdad, I guess.  They just never developed a meaningful relationship.  But the kid?  He hates school but is so smart.  And a smart ass.  Sort of like his mom I suppose.  Oh the ranging hormones of the teenage years and for these years!