Parked not Driven

Today is a dreary and dismal end of summer day in the Northwoods.  It reminds you that autumn is on the way and soon enough the gray days will stretch into May.  It stinks.  I am staring at a blinking cursor with no other thought than... what do I write?

Since I last vented about my German, things are fine.  He was the baby of the family so waa waa's are expected.  I have a baby brother so I have lots of experience.  I've been waa waaing it lately, too.  But we're not babies anymore.  I see glimpses of what might have been and glimpses of what still could be.  

My dad turned 80 a few weeks ago and it reminds me of things both good and bad and how to reconcile all of it.  Good memories, because I do have loving parents that cared for me and still do.  Bad because I know things can change on a dime and THEN what do you do?

I tend to mediate on things now like how I have wasted so much time.  And now there is limited time left.  I never "became" anything.  My dad always told us to go out and mark our marks.  That didn't happen.  I entrenched myself here at the casa and have made it my sanctuary.  God, I have been here so long and I never thought I would be.  The pinnacle of my personal success is designing the garage after it accidentally burned.  Who will habitate here after I am gone?  This is a very special place.

I'm so envious of the driven, those with goals and desires that let's NOTHING stop them.  There are so many amazing and inspiring people out there.  They are so lucky.  No, I never became a marine biologist or plastic surgeon with an office on Park Avenue(childhood dream haha).  I didn't become an English professor or a lawyer after college.  What am I?  

What do I know about myself?  I am creative and tend to be overly generous.   I am overly critical of myself all the time.  It's not fun.  I would love to find a job posting reading:  Seeking compassionate, creative weirdo for interesting random projects.  DREAMJOB!  Instead, this pastlife photographer is a "support specialist" for a manufacturing non-profit posting social media trinkets related to the trade.  It's not very creative, but they do appreciate me.   I've been parked for a very long time.