Bullshite

For three years I have waited for a weatherization audit of my home since losing my posh job with the fam. I now get Energy Assistance and have a low paying job with no permanence or benfits. I have two degrees. Excuse me for being pissed off that they all of sudden "deferred" my weatherization audit and suddenly claim that I have plumbing and electrical hazards on premises. My home was inspected in 2004 and there were no hazards.

Estimates for removing my knob and tube wiring were $4100 and $5500. Huh. I have thirty days to do that on my own if I want to still be considered. Fuck them. When I called to ask what hazards and couldn't they so "some" of it, they said no. I mean come on. No weather stripping on the doors. Assholes.

Fuck them all.

I do feel good about something though. I am on my last week of Couch to 5k and I can actually RUN for more than 30 minutes. I am running a 5 mile race on Saturday and I am gonna take all of my frustrations out that way. I look forward to the free beer afterward since I've only had two so far this year. Yeah, baby.

Dude with a 'Tude

And he ski jumped like an old pro for the first time today.

Feeling Fine

Last night I ran the first workout of week seven of the Couch to 5K program. I ran for 25 minutes straight. Holy.Shit. It really is amazing to me since I haven't run in over seven years. The Chidler and I used to run everyday before the bambino came along. It feels so good to be heading in that direction.

I think such a huge part of it is mental. I really have to psych myself up and visualize. If I'm not in the mood, it is like walking over hot coals. I weighed myself and found I lost another three pounds. Since it was Valentine's Day, I ate some "Death by Chocolate" for my din-din. It was de-lish. Whatever works.

I have a photo shoot today in the studio: college kids cheering and then on to the YMCA for some lady basketball players. SHould be interesting and I can't wait 'til the day is over so I can chill like a dill.

New Day

It's the day after my birthday. A New Day. I sort of regurgitated everything to a few co-workers this morning in the studio. I really didn't want to but I did. When I think about it, I don't think my mother has been happy since 2000. That is the year she found my brother dead on his living room floor.

I can't imagine it.

So I have a bit of guilt for acting the way I did and at the same time, I just don't care. Yesterday was a huge let-down. The bright spot and only nice thing about the day was that I received flowers from the preggo mama I shot the other night. Sweet. Cheerful.

My mother called this morning to tell SF that if he was good in school this week she would take him to his Valentine's Day dance on Friday. Honestly, I don't want to go. I don't feel like being around all the perfect people, the complete families. Me, the single parent. It's just depressing and awkward.

I just want to find a simple way in this life. I am not unhappy. I am responsible for my own happiness.

Blow Me Down

I'm so mad. Irritated and angry. It will pass. Most of it has. Today is my birthday. I was supposed to go to my parents for dinner. Until I called my mother when I left work. She said we were going to go out. When I became sort of pissed about it, she called me a pain in the ass.

Flash forward to dinner wherein she left to pick up my brother and pizza. After a tension filled hour or two, we opened presents. The birthday card, written in my mother's handwriting from the two of them said, "I'm sorry you're unhappy."

W.T.F.

I am so fvcking tired of HER projecting on me. The first thing she gave me was very expensive turquoise blue leather handbag. Turquoise blue? Right. It looked like something she would have bought for herself. If is not a bag or a color I would buy in a million years.

It just blows my spoiled little mind how little my family knows me.

My dad started to twitch about how many 42 year olds even get presents? Meanwhile the entire evening the television is on full blast because he can't detach himself from it for even an hour. I want to wretch.

Yeah, things could be worse and maybe I'm an ingrate. Whatever.

My brother, who I share my birthday with, bought me an assortment of Packer related paraphanalia. They're right, I'll never forget it. Because it is a BIG W.T.F.

I think for my mother's birthday I'll get her every Smith's CD. For my dad, new Under Armour cold weather compression running gear. And for my brother, a framed matted print of the US Women's Olympic Lacrosse team.

Sounds perfect. Will it blow over? Only if I kiss ass to the projector and apologize. I'm just not up for that at the moment. And I cannot wait to run tomorrow night. Bye bye.

Boo Yah, Bitches!

Down 12 big pounds and bought a book on Marathon training. Maybe a bit premature, but the book is designed for non-runners. It takes 16 weeks to train for a marathon. It's just very interesting to read it. To entertain the thought that maybe some day...

I started week six of C25K by kicking ass. Bring it. I feel good. And my little dude has been shaping up with the right motivation. My forties are going to be marked by me, the single mother kicking ass. Being strong. Sometimes I wonder how I do it.

Hell On Wheels - Heart of Gold

I have a kid who is hell on wheels. I let him watch "The Love Guru" one time and it made a distinct and lasting impression on him. He's having a bit of a go of things at the school he's attending. He just doesn't want to buckle down and follow the protocols.

They've instituted a Popsicle stick system wherein everyone gets ten sticks in the morning. Sticks are taken away for various reasons. Yesterday he had NO sticks left. Plus, he called Ronald an asshole. Let me "ass"ure you we do not use this language in our house.

Today it was two sticks. He said, "Two is better than none." I had to agree.

He wrote on his face with marker today, both bulldog cheeks and cannot use them for two weeks. He looked me in the eye and smiling said, "I can still use crayons and pencils to make art!" I had to agree. I sense a note of optimism in his misbehavior.

I know this trait could serve him exceedingly well as an adult. But now... not so much.

Last night we went to hospital to see a brand new baby. When I held him, looking down at his perfect sweetness I thought, how could I have fucked things up so royally in such a short amount of time? I cried a few tears.

When SF held this new life, I was so moved by the expression on his face. I'd never seen it before. He'd like a little brother.

Bitchfest

Ugh. I am so irritated right now. This morning was a total bitch with Snowflake. It actually started out okay and then just escalated into his usual whiney bullshit. He can be so defiant I am worried about the future. Seriously. I try to be reasonable but he tests my very mettle. However, we make up by the time we get to school. If there is one thing I don't want to teach him is to be grudgeful like so many women can be. Boys just aren't "like" that and I would never wish that trait on anyone.

Still, there are times when I want to run away screaming.

Last night I did payroll for my dad and misplaced my check. When I called my mother to ask her if I left it there the first words out of her mouth were, "I guess you should be more careful with your money." I ranted at her about how she never loses ANYTHING... she constantly misplaces her expensive jewelry. I hung up on her. When she called me back, I ignored the call. WTF. Calgon isn't going to cut it.

Hilariously, the one thing I am looking forward to is my run tonight while SF is in karate. I can definitely tell I am getting in better shape and that feels great. My sweet cousin is going run the Point Bock Run in March with me. I can't wait. That is my bright spot.

I want to find a place where I can excel. I have an excellent boss here, but I don't know. I never heard back from the one interview I had. I followed up and she returned my call saying they were still interviewing and they would let me know ASAP. That was over a week ago. My dad said if they don't have the common courtesy to let me know, screw them. And gee, that is just the mood I'm in.

Argh.