It's January. It's cold as fuck. Today is -1 and the sun decided to shine which is a bonus. It always appears warmer than it actually is. Luring me outside when I know it's perfectly Antarctic. What takes me outside in these ball curdling temps is usually the dogs. I still have dogs. Four of them.
Dogs and cats are the new kids in case you are unaware.
Speaking of Snowflake, he graduated in May. In November he moved out of the house into his first apartment with his first girlfriend. This had left me feeling like someone had died. This left me feeling like I screwed up a huge portion of my opportunity with him. He's very strong willed like his mother so he's charting his own course.
Really wanted him to go to college and experience life outside of this teensy, conservative, unradical place. He could always move but he's currently working for my parents doing drywalling and carpentry. And there's the new experience of being on his own and coupled.
I do not know his girlfriend really at all. I have not spent ANY time with her. She's a beautiful girl and plans to continue college next fall two hours away from here. Snowflake thought he might move with her and go to school perhaps. Who knows what will happen... as the ol' polish granny always said, "So goes..."
I miss having him around. Sometimes I sit and get all negative and down because I think that I will never find out how the story ends! But I really have to stop myself from dwelling in those negative thoughts because they are downright debilitating and devastating to my heart. We can only hope for the best, hope they make good decisions and have a relatively safe and happy life.
My dad always told us to "make our marks" on the world but that never happened. I hate the pressure to "be something." I quit the entrepreneurial class because it was for those more advanced in their dreams of business creation and ownership. I hate the fact that I start something and don't finish it. I hate the fact that I don't feel called to act on SOMETHING. Anything really.
I am a creative not being a creative right now. I spend my time working for a non profit from home using my own computer and software. I also work at a natural pet food store and that inspires me. I love the product and the clientele. All of my dogs have their own Instagrams. Haha. I guess that's my creative outlet.
Gonna also shout myself out for doing "Dry January" in 2022 and continuing to this day as I type. I also quit smoking cigs on September 1, 2022. RIP Coffee and Cigs. I was also vegan for most of 2022 and it felt really good.
At more than my "half life" I gotta get back to basics and baby step it to whatever it is that I'm walking toward and try and feel good about it. xoxo- Ms Mamma
2 comments:
As a big fan of the college experience, I will also say that Snowflake's experience with drywall and such will likely serve him better. And as someone who took a year off after High School to work and just NOT HAVE TO STUDY, and later went back to get not only a BA but also a MA, neither of which are really useful to me, he has his entire life ahead of him, and college will still be there.
My heart goes out to you with your empty nest feelings. My daughter is 26 and still lives at home. She's the opposite of your SF. She has anxiety and separation anxiety, and I wonder if she will ever move out. I'm OK with it if she doesn't, in one way, but in another, I don't want her to feel like she isn't strong or mature enough to take care of herself.
Wow, your dry January turned into a dry year? I have heard of that happening. And no cigs or coffee either? Your doctor must be thrilled. I'm having a dry-ish January, meaning I didn't start until Jan 9th, and I have had a couple of drinks along the way. I'm trying to not be 'all or nothing', because while that works really well for some people, for me it is a recipe for failure. So we'll see. I don't want to give up wine, I love wine. But I don't want to drink as much as I was drinking either.
Gosh, we're all such works in progress, aren't we? Have faith Heidi. You are awesome, as is your beautiful boy.
J- You have always been such a great comfort and reassurance through this crazy electronic age. I feel like I am back where I started before having Snowflake. Everyone seems to find their thing... Mexico was amazing. I was able to take my cousin who is also one of my only friends. She's in Stage Four Ovarian cancer so it was a very special time! We're all struggling. Your daughter is gorgeous and has such sound leadership! She knows calm! Outside of your house can be a tortuous hell! I have faith in her and her parents. xoxo
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