It's January. It's cold as fuck. Today is -1 and the sun decided to shine which is a bonus. It always appears warmer than it actually is. Luring me outside when I know it's perfectly Antarctic. What takes me outside in these ball curdling temps is usually the dogs. I still have dogs. Four of them.
Dogs and cats are the new kids in case you are unaware.
Speaking of Snowflake, he graduated in May. In November he moved out of the house into his first apartment with his first girlfriend. This had left me feeling like someone had died. This left me feeling like I screwed up a huge portion of my opportunity with him. He's very strong willed like his mother so he's charting his own course.
Really wanted him to go to college and experience life outside of this teensy, conservative, unradical place. He could always move but he's currently working for my parents doing drywalling and carpentry. And there's the new experience of being on his own and coupled.
I do not know his girlfriend really at all. I have not spent ANY time with her. She's a beautiful girl and plans to continue college next fall two hours away from here. Snowflake thought he might move with her and go to school perhaps. Who knows what will happen... as the ol' polish granny always said, "So goes..."
I miss having him around. Sometimes I sit and get all negative and down because I think that I will never find out how the story ends! But I really have to stop myself from dwelling in those negative thoughts because they are downright debilitating and devastating to my heart. We can only hope for the best, hope they make good decisions and have a relatively safe and happy life.
My dad always told us to "make our marks" on the world but that never happened. I hate the pressure to "be something." I quit the entrepreneurial class because it was for those more advanced in their dreams of business creation and ownership. I hate the fact that I start something and don't finish it. I hate the fact that I don't feel called to act on SOMETHING. Anything really.
I am a creative not being a creative right now. I spend my time working for a non profit from home using my own computer and software. I also work at a natural pet food store and that inspires me. I love the product and the clientele. All of my dogs have their own Instagrams. Haha. I guess that's my creative outlet.
Gonna also shout myself out for doing "Dry January" in 2022 and continuing to this day as I type. I also quit smoking cigs on September 1, 2022. RIP Coffee and Cigs. I was also vegan for most of 2022 and it felt really good.
At more than my "half life" I gotta get back to basics and baby step it to whatever it is that I'm walking toward and try and feel good about it. xoxo- Ms Mamma
