ADIOS Amigos

For the past year and eight months I was working for a manufacturing non-profit.  On July 29, 2022 I had my first yearly review which was outstanding.  It also promised me the hardware and software I needed to do my job for them as I was/have been using my own MacBook Pro and Adobe Creative Suite.   In October I sent an email about the gear because as any photographer /videographer/web designer knows, it's extremely difficult using a laptop for detailed work(at least that's my opinion).  

The reply was that it was all dependent on finalizing bills for some of their initiatives.  After numerous emails and passed bucks and a trip to Mexico last week I decided to say FUCK IT. 

No Hardware?  No Heidi.  

This whole pack are a bunch of bloated boomers who want people to give and work for them joyously and for almost free for their cause.  Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  The joke of the whole matter is that covid hit this region hard and they are not recovering.  They're scrambling for ways to attract and retain the future workforce.  They're not really willing to pay for it though.  

Unless you have a roommate or get married right at 16 up in the hollar, there is no way for a kid to afford an apartment let alone the fabled dream of a house.  In addition, they don't speak the language of the future workforce.  They don't understand social.  Period.

Here is what I wrote to my boss and two other people that were great to work with yesterday after I finished writing an original article along with creating original artwork for posts across their four social channels:

"Hi (Insert Name Here)-

I just posted an article I wrote for social on all four channels.  With that, I am saying farewell to (NON PROFIT).  My time last week with my cousin who has stage four ovarian cancer made me realize to focus on what is important and HOW people treat you.  So much in life boils down to this.  

I have enjoyed working with you but I don’t feel valued or “in the loop” and I am tired of using my computer and paying for my software and skills for nothing in return.  I’ve asked at least five or more times when it clearly states on my outstanding  review that the tools I need to do the job would be provided.  That was seven months ago.  

I feel that my skills are valuable and that the board does not value them as seen by not purchasing the promised software and hardware for the work that I do.  Or understand value of the the growth on social that I have created.I have attached my 2022 review from (NON PROFIT) and the credentials for everything that I use so you have everything you need.  This can also be found on the Google Drive.

M S-  I want to thank you for your kindness and genuineness and saying THANK YOU for the tiniest things!  

D M-   Thanks for cheering for me and thank you for all of your expertise and knowledge!  THANK YOU!  Stay in touch!"

DM Replied almost immediately with kind words mentioning I saved their bacon a few times, a designer I worked with frequently.  

I didn't hear from my boss who I actually liked until this morning via a text which said:

"I was very sad to see your email, but I truly get it.  I want you to know it was a pleasure working with you over the past year and a half.  I wish I could have been there more for you!  I have greatly appreciated all your efforts!

I wish you all the happiness in your next adventures!  Please stay in touch." 

Can I please get a thorough round of BULLSHIT please?  I didn't respond and I don't plan to.  I removed and deleted my email etc.  It feels like a wet, stinky, moldy blanket has been removed.  I still don't know what I'm doing though.  It feels like I never have.  But we all know how we should be treated and should waste no time saying adios amigos to those who treat us otherwise.

My dad says "You need to figure out what you want to do."  I don't fucking know.

Some of us never know and never will.  

Bon Voyage

Next week I was supposed to work at my parent's business while they go on a trip with their employees.  They decided late last week they weren't up for the travel.  My mom generally hates these groups trips and has ALWAYS indulged my dad by going.  My dad LOVES to get away in the winter because his business is quiet.  Did I mention my dad is 80 and still goes to work everyday?  This is a huge sign to me of a transition phase in life.  Feck.

I won't be working there next week as I am now going on the trip with my dad's employees.  OY!  I do know these people and like them.  I have a cousin who I am close to, probably one of my few friends who is dealing with Stage Four Ovarian cancer.  She is young, gorgeous and a veteran Spanish teacher in an inner city high school.  She was able to get off and come with me.

We are so stoked to be going yet at the same time I wonder what it will be like.  I haven't seen her in almost six years.  We live three hours apart and there is no excuse for me not getting there to see her.  So here we are...  meeting up in the midwest to fly south.  She was my first thought when the opportunity arose.

I don't know why we let so much time pass when we become older.  We think things can wait but they can't.  Or we'll catch up next time.  Then "next time" never comes because something happens.  Not this time.  It may be late in the game, but there is always time to make time for what really matters.   CARPE DIEM.

Baby Steppin'

It's January.  It's cold as fuck.  Today is -1 and the sun decided to shine which is a bonus.  It always appears warmer than it actually is.  Luring me outside when I know it's perfectly Antarctic.  What takes me outside in these ball curdling temps is usually the dogs.  I still have dogs.  Four of them.  

Dogs and cats are the new kids in case you are unaware.  

Speaking of Snowflake, he graduated in May.  In November he moved out of the house into his first apartment with his first girlfriend.  This had left me feeling like someone had died.  This left me feeling like I screwed up a huge portion of my opportunity with him.  He's very strong willed like his mother so he's charting his own course.

Really wanted him to go to college and experience life outside of this teensy, conservative, unradical place.  He could always move but he's currently working for my parents doing drywalling and carpentry.  And there's the new experience of being on his own and coupled.

I do not know his girlfriend really at all.  I have not spent ANY time with her.  She's a beautiful girl and plans to continue college next fall two hours away from here.  Snowflake thought he might move with her and go to school perhaps.  Who knows what will happen...  as the ol' polish granny always said, "So goes..."

I miss having him around.  Sometimes I sit and get all negative and down because I think that I will never find out how the story ends!  But I really have to stop myself from dwelling in those negative thoughts because they are downright debilitating and devastating to my heart.  We can only hope for the best, hope they make good decisions and have a relatively safe and happy life.

My dad always told us to "make our marks" on the world but that never happened.  I hate the pressure to "be something."  I quit the entrepreneurial class because it was for those more advanced in their dreams of business creation and ownership.  I hate the fact that I start something and don't finish it.  I hate the fact that I don't feel called to act on SOMETHING.  Anything really.

I am a creative not being a creative right now.  I spend my time working for a non profit from home using my own computer and software.  I also work at a natural pet food store and that inspires me.  I love the product and the clientele.  All of my dogs have their own Instagrams.  Haha.  I guess that's my creative outlet.

Gonna also shout myself out for doing "Dry January" in 2022 and continuing to this day as I type.  I also quit smoking cigs on September 1, 2022.  RIP Coffee and Cigs.  I was also vegan for most of 2022 and it felt really good.  

At more than my "half life" I gotta get back to basics and baby step it to whatever it is that I'm walking toward and try and feel good about it.  xoxo- Ms Mamma