Go Time

Sometimes the hardest thing to do after not writing for so long is to write.  I've been here since my last post, I start writing and then I think... this is pointless, what for?  I suppose it doesn't have to have a point and I think journaling is important so here goes....

It is one month before my wedding.  My last name is going to be Hammer.  Heidi Hammer.  It doesn't have to be, but I feel like it's an upgrade.  I actually thought I would never get married after seven years of being a sole, single parent to Snowflake.  I always thought if I did get married, I would keep my original last name.  Because that is who I have always been.  But I like the name Hammer.  I want to be an HH.

I feel like I should have been documenting this journey, but I got lazy.  Between work and motherhood and relationships, I let it slide.   Snowflake is going to be the Best Man at the wedding.  Unfortunately, he came home a few Mondays ago from school with a parent's worst nightmare, HEADLICE(GASP!) and we shaved his head.  It was his idea.  He went from adorable skater punk to looking like the fat kid in Stand By Me.  It's his chubby boob cheeks he still carries.

We carry on.

Everything we do here, our time is so short.  We hope we make the right decisions.  We fuck up.  As we get older we learn to accept people for who they are.

I chose Botox over extensions.

I *think* it was the way to go.

Love This

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

Verbal Diarrheas

The seminal post from which all things begin.  Who am I?  What is my deal?  Where am I going?  What the fuck am I doing?  What I'm doing is being a Lifestyle Photographer.  That entailed a title change and a hefty raise.  Hefty by midwestern bumblefuck standards, that is.  But I'll take it.

It also entailed other peeps despising me.  Talking shit about me.  Nevermind, Ms. Mamma keeps trudging along, making tracks and paying no mind to the bitches that would otherwise bring her down with their outright negativity.  Fuck them.   I will do continue to work hard and continue to wish you well even though you have nothing positive to say about me.

Ms. Mamma is an engaged 43 year woman child that at times does not know how to communicate.  She is living with her beloved until that blissful day, June 15 and wonders, is this the right thing to do?  I never WANTED to live with anyone UNTIL I was married, but here I am.  I wound up preggo a few years ago using this same type of logic.  It seems to get me everywhere I always thought I'd be but never seemed to get to in the "right" way.  I suppose there never is a right way.

So goes...

Planing a wedding in middle age is completely lackluster.  No one seems to be excited about anything except for my Maid of Honor.  Am I not supposed to be gushing about love and everything that comes with it?  I hate to be Debbie Downer, maybe if I were in my 20's things would be different.  I don't know.   It just seems lame to be planning a wedding that is supposed to take place in a few months and there is no excitement.

Except for a new pair of Fluevogs.  Yay.

I had a huge ordeal with my brother and "the woman he LOVES."  They were supposed to stand up in the wedding.  They broke up for a second time since being engaged in June of last year.  She sent me a text telling me not to count on her because they couldn't be together because of his little boy.   Via text, I told her to send the dress back(frowny face).  Good riddance, I thought.

This is the same couple that proclaims to be a gift unto us all with their universal love.  What a crock of shit.  His 'fiance' is ultimately the most negative person I have ever encountered in my life.  She calls my nephew a "belligerent hateful creature."  He's seven.  Seriously?  I think she's projecting.  BIG TIME.

Fast forward a few days later and my mother calls to muscle me from Jamaica to let them back into the wedding.  Because they are (surprise!!!) back together!  Oh joy!  And "what is everyone going to think if your ONLY brother isn't in the wedding party?!"  OMFG, I don't know mom, prolly nothing?

I can't wait until my brother makes some ridiculous out of place speech about his "lady" at my wedding if they're still together.  I can already picture it.  Can anyone clue me in to what I'm supposed to be feeling right now?  I've been on my own and independent for so long, I'm not sure.  Maybe that is fucked up.  I don't know.  

I deactivated my Facebook and I have to say it is kind of liberating.  I didn't tell anyone.  BUT, the wonder couple noticed and said, "What were you thinking?  We thought you defriended us!"  OMFG, for reals?  And this is why I quit.  And I'm old enough to know I can quit anything I want at anytime.   And I can start over.  I can still be whatever I want to be.  Except for a real rockstar.  I never wanted to be that anyway.  Hugs and Kisses.