Oh my. Time goes by at Mach I these days. Fast forward to December 21, 2018. Today is my husband's birthday. I am also the mother to a 14 year old Snowflake. True to his moniker, he loves snowboarding.
I think I have to re-commit to Ms. Mamma. She's a hell of gal. I miss her. I am waxing melancholic, BIG TIME. So shall we just get into it?
Time. Time. Time. Time waits for no one. I see my parents aging and I am going to hit a milestone year this February that I'd rather not say. I am so emotional. I have so many deep feelings. I stayed home from work yesterday and sobbed for the better part of the morning watching a plethora of movies... House of D, When Harry Met Sally, The Secret Window and the The Girl on the Train.
These were meant to be a diversion, but parts of them just made me feel worse. Movies are not real life and I hate comparing mine to the beautiful happy endings of everything or thinking about the twisted individuals that walk among us. I struggle every day.
The holidays are the worst. Things have changed so much. For every important holiday I have to make choices that I hate. Spending time with my husband or my mom and dad. Sometimes I am amazed at the things I google. I never thought I'd be a "when your husband can't stand your family" type of goog-ler.
My parents are old and my only brother is kind of a narcissist who was busted with a fuck-ton of weed this past summer. Formerly a nurse, he made the transition of going back to work for my parents in September 2017. How convenient. Since my mother has already lost one son, she takes any criticism of the other very hard and prefers not to hear it. My husband cannot stand it.
I completely "get it." At the same time, as a mother, I want to hold it all together. I wouldn't want my brother's life for all the money in the world. He can be a big dick. He usually shows up in some state of intoxication. I don't care. These are my people and they are all I have and I want to spend time with ALL OF THEM, together.
Ruminating on this yesterday, reminded me of this song from some corner of my childhood memories. Smooches.
-Ms. Mamma
LOVE IS THE ANSWER
