my first time

this is the mock up for a website i'm getting paid to design. not bad for a first timer, eh? i think it's pretty trick! you?

not pretty

i study hard every single day. sometimes i equate it to working in a mental coal mine. i get done and i just want to be. just be. i leave it all behind. last night when i got home i was reminded that 'jason' the bachelor was down to two chicks. and the big drama of the previous bachelorette coming in to wreak havoc on his life was just too much for me. i am not a fan of the bachelor.

i honestly have no shame in calling them stupid twats. i don't care how MENSA they might be. i realize i relish in criticizing them from the comfort of my dark red leather and nail-head sofa. why is it that it's OK for the bachelor to have a kid and the potential concubines are forbidden? obviously women with kids are damaged goods.

and the bachelor? i know those nostrils have to be the home of crusty critters. i hope he carries a pocket mirror. the dude reminds me of a little ape. he is 'ape like.' i think it's a huge sign of desperation and how ridiculously we cling to the notion of the romantic love fairy tale. i feel sorry for his kid.

yes, it sucks to be alone, jason. i know the feeling. but i'm also not going to sell myself out and pick someone out just for the sake of 'not being alone.' the world is a huge place and i'll never send the message to my kid that you need someone to 'complete you.' it's a nice idea, but gag me. grow a pair.

moving on to much deeper drama, the season finale of the deep 'true beauty' was on afterwards. it's all about what's on the inside. this show is the brainchild of none other than ashton kucher, who just has to be one of the deepest people, EVER. one of the judges was the waifish cheryl tiegs, who at times was overwhelmed with the choices she had to make. visibly shaken, when she spoke, i think it was obvious her plastic surgery affected her speech. i think she and michael jackson share the same doctor.

vanessa manillo, former TRL host was another judge who i thought might let her lady parts get the best of her. although she claimed inner beauty was key, you could tell that she had a thing for old turd head ass face, Joel. that guy. that crazy guy. he is completely ignorant of his lack of humility. i think he and ashton will become great friends. ashton's mom even said that joel's relationship with his mom reminded her of her own with ashton. that is so fricking heartwarming!

the voice of reason came from fashion expert, nolin marin. he knows what's pretty and has that super keen gay man sensitivity to superficiality. and he can smell bitch from a mile away.

in the end, i was happy they chose julia. honestly, i never remember her saying anything horrid or scathing. she was genuinely sweet, took risks and wasn't a backstabbing f-wad. she'll be included in people magazine's 100 most beautiful people issue. and even though joel didn't win, he'd be an awesome model for soldier of fortune or instinct magazine. joel, you'll always be a winner in your book. that's what counts anyway.

winter mugging

on a good day

looks good from the neck up

Cheesy

This was almost exactly one year ago...

I know...I haven't got out much lately



But it just snowed the night before last and it looked just like this:

yesterday morning. I had to get out Big Red, my trusty snow steed.

good juju

i really love being in school. i always wanted to be an acedemic. back in the day, i imagined myself the college lit professor, but when big daddy wouldn't help me with my finances, i gave up. what a wuss i was. but now i'm BACK. back in the new york groove.

i enjoy every single thing i'm learning and although it's time consuming, it's not like work at all. it's fun. and that's what your work should be, right kittens?

sorry, gotta go! talk soon. yeah, right!

Getmooh is an automated call back service. It is designed to help you escape a variety of situations by calling you automatically on your phone at a pre-specified time and playing you a recording which will either instruct you on what to say to elude your tormentor(s), or which will simply give a convincing sense of you being on an important call. Just put in your phone number and schedule the day and time to receive the call.

because it tastes good

ahead of me is balding, flannel shirt, bowling jacket, beer belly with no wedding ring. i'm staring into the basket: two cans of dinty moore beef stew, two packets of hillshire farms 'little smokies', one six pack of miller lite in cans and one 'smart ones' frozen dinner. i mean, why bother?

my little pisces

The Astrological birth sign of Pisces (February 19 - March 20)is usually associated with being extremely creative, sensitive, and artistic, and as having a healthy fascination with the metaphysical and spiritual.

Pisces are the most intuitive and spiritually developed of the zodiac birth signs. Aptly called "old souls", Pisces thirst for spiritual knowledge and personal growth. They are the twelfth, and last, of the Zodiac signs, and as such, tend to have a more finely tuned intuition, sixth sense or extrasensory ability to perceive others feelings.

eat me

I spent Sunday afternoon grossing myself out by watching "Eaten Alive" on Animal Planet. It was so disgusting I couldn't look away. All I know is I never want a female bot fly to bite me, leaving one of her eggs to grow a freaky worm under my skin. Or to get a tapeworn and have hundreds of cysts incubating in my brain causing what the typical doctor around here would most likely diagnose as a simple 'migraine'. It made me thankful that I didn't have a penis so that the dreaded candiru couldn't swim up my urethra. I've got to remember to be thankful for the little things.

did i mention

...one of sf's favorite phrases is "a-double-s". he'd say things like, "what do you want a big cup of (a-double-s) or something?" or "let me talk about a-double-s's)" or the classic "you look like a (a-double-s) head". i finally had to break down and tell him that YES! you know how to spell a word and what the word he spelled meant. now he only uses it for effect or when we're in public. what a guy.

waiting

...for his master to return from the surf. or is that snow?

onward

I cannot stand people that won't put in the work, the time, the effort. Like people who want something from you and whine about not getting it when they don't put in the effort to make you want to do what they want. And then they put the guilt trip on you. "F" them. Know what I mean?

I'm glad that I can handle being a loner. I have my fits of mini-despression and poor me, but then I get over it. There are times I wonder if I shouldn't just take a little pill, but then I think I don't want to be labeled. I put enough labels on myself. The feeling passes and I go on. I can't afford to wallow in it. I have way too much shit going on.

As far as my birthday is concerned, I feel like I have been ripening on the vine. A late bloomer. I appreciate things so much more now than when I was in my 20's. I know I wouldn't have been as good of a single mother. I know what is important and what's not.

In some ways, I feel like a kid again. I have my whole life ahead of me. And no one is going to stop me.

presents!

Would anybody like a 2009 Marshfield Clinic Fine Art Calendar featuring my work in the month of August? Yes, you'll get all 12 months, including my month!

ambient

I put a request out there for a musician to create an original score for my film. Of course, I can't pay you anything, but you will get credits and a copy or two of the film, I wrote. Within an hour, I received a response from someone. He sent me links to samples and HOLY SHIT! He is incredible! Did I mention his work sounds like something David Lynch would use?! YES!

I'm scared though.

I pitched my idea to him and I don't know what he'll think. I think it's hilarious, but he might be all about the seriousness of things. My mantra for today is: YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU PUT IT OUT THERE.

mad, mad idea!

i am so excited! it took me a week but i've come up with a killa idea for my film. in addition, my extremely good looking friends have decided to help me out and be my STARS! let me just say, it's a twisty remake of Rosemary's Baby. i bust out laughing everytime i think of the final scene. stay tuned...

workin' it

it's about 6:30 pm and in a few moments i will be leaving the lab. the la-bor-a-tor-eee. my second home. i'd go to the Y-M-C-A, but i'm too lazy to rush home, get my kit and leave right away. sf is at the padres so i'm thinking that it is a ME night after 8.5 hours of straight work. i am exhilarated and exhausted all at once. time for vino. L'Chaim, amigos!

way up north

school, yes my school has been closed for two days because of the bitterly cold temperature. this really sucks because i use their gear for everything. there is a bright spot though. their server works better on my mac than in the school. how f-ed is that?

i feel good. nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, so good. i'm gonna read 60 frickin' pages of "Visual Basic 2005: An Object Oriented Approach". i'm calm. i went to the Y-M-C-A and then took a shower. i smell all pink grapefruity shea butterish. i smell so good in fact, i want to hug myself. maybe i'll make a date with myself later.

the universe is speaking

the sun is shining brightly but it's deathly cold. the other night some guy sleepwalked out of his house and froze to death. school was canceled today. i feel like i have a fog hanging over me due to pinot evil. oy.

my parents called me and said someone left a message on the machine at work "thanking me for everything i had done for them". i was like, wtf, half giggling. in any case, it made my day. i recorded the message to my phone. i think someone is trying to send me a message.

clean the bathrooms.

i want to try

and write everyday. so my plan is to jot something down here just to keep my sanity. this morning i made some java in the senseo so i didn't have to buy any. it's tasty. i also ate a peanut butter crunch clif bar. i feel pretty good as i contemplate opening up powerpoint for the first time. ah, the computer lab, my second home. i love my bathtub. i enjoyed my bath this morning. the smell of honey, i washed the kids and the charity pot. that's me. ooooo. i forgot! my patchouli is in! must pick up! stinky, stinky.

making movies on location

Dear Diary-

WTF was I thinking when I decided to man up to 18 credits of educational challenge? Not only am I swimming in the graphical sea and crawling around the web(all the while chewing on a big thick book about Visual Basic), I have to make a real movie from conception to release. It has to be at least three minutes in length. I definitely don't want to edit baby video. Or put together some mellodramatic bucket of serendipitous memories. Do I go off the deep end and make some ode to David Lynch, with my own secret meaning? Or do I stick to what I know and make a good old fashioned schtick about a girl and her snowblower...

malm in my room

This is the malm bed I scored on my maiden voyage to ikea. Originally I was set up to buy the queen in a deep brownish black at full price(199 + 60 for slats + 10 for the midbeam). Lucky me. On the way to the check out I spied the as-is section and found the same bed in birch veneer for only $79!( The damage is so minute and not visible I couldn't pass it up since I'm mega pobrecita). I felt a wave of relief sweep over me as I knew I wouldn't break the bank on this. It was a match made in heaven and Poland. No wonder I love this bed. It was a cinch for one person to set up and it sleeps as good as it looks. I feel so grown up by going up 5" up off the floor!

pelicanos*

*they both have big mouths

me looking skyward

time marches on

I am a frustrated single parent that wonders what the fuck I'm doing. I am a full time student with nary an existence of a social life. Part of this is me feeling sorry for myself. I do and I bawl about it sometimes. My immediate family is tiny and my brother and I share a birthday and we don't get along. I feel like I don't share anything real with him. When I talk to him it's like talking to a Freud like creature that withholds his own opinions yet absorbs mine silently like a sponge.

My 40th birthday is coming along very 'soonly' and I don't know what to do. Fuck. I am not close to anyone. It's not a very good feeling. I suppose I made it this way. I take responsibility for my part. And now I pay the price. Silence is requested from the peanut gallery.

waterbaby

night in white

autumn is gone

winter is here

now with more cheesecake!

angry cupcake

an homage to the extremely unique il signor panza. i hope he doesn't mind. can you hear wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" playing in the background?

tween in autumn

younger than she looks

leaving the library

i can't effing stand it anymore. since the very first day of school i've noticed this skeezy, greasy over 50 creepy dude that hacks like he smokes a carton of Lucky's a day. i can hear him no matter where he sits. earlier, i heard him rip one. does he think people won't notice because HE'S wearing headphones?!

lately he's been bringing in plastic bags of worm ridden deer apples. today was my lucky day because right now he's sitting right next to me, wheezing and snotting and snorting away. once in a while he glances over at me and i want to gag. whoa! good fortune! he just left!

i better wait to leave though. you know, so he doesn't think i'm following him.

granular

waiting room

The other day I was at Penzoil getting my oil changed. As I sat in the grimey waiting room reading the obituaries of people dead already a week ago(their most recent paper was a week old), I honed in on their ages: 60, 73, 84. All of these words summing up a lifetime in "paid for paragraphs."

In our little metropolis, they run the court records and police logs but make you pay for an obit that lists anything more than survivors and service times. I am going to be fourty in few months. 60 is only twenty years from now. I am going to die someday. I will not be here. I am going to die and life will go on. It's just so hard to fathom not seeing what happens with my little love.

If I die when I'm I'm 60, half of my life is already over. How should we live our lives so that we have no regrets, so that we dwell in the importance of the here and now and not the when's or what if's?

you can steal my signs

but you can't steal the election! a$$heads stole my signs AGAIN! I have never felt so happy, hopeful or as invigorated as I did watching Barack Obama speak to over 125,000 people live in Chi-town last night. Steal my signs, weiners because I am crushing your heads.

like a virgin

I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. Lately I've been thinking about flesh, naked skin on skin...no faces just sensations. This led me to put something "out there" but I don't really want a date. Impulsive or randy? I can't decide.

I think I'd much rather prefer a stranger in the night scenario. Whatever the reason for my madness, I vascillate between ripping it down, leaving it up or just going to the sex shoppe(yeah, as in ye olde). WTF. I think there is a very strong urge to break my five year dry spell but like I've said before, I don't want anyone to see me naked.

Therefore, I suppose I need to add a few details as to what I'm looking for like "must be legally blind" or "must meet in total darkness" or "must wear a blindfold." Ugh. Or maybe I should just banish the thought from my mind entirely and become like Morrissey who once said "I'm inches away from a monastary."

BAM!

wise monkey

Night Chickens

I heard some finaggling in the front yard a few minutes ago. I had a suspicion. Looking out from my cozy 1.5 story roost I knew immediately it was gone. I called the non-emergency number and reported it. Someone uphill had theirs stolen, too. So this is just a big eff you to the shitwad that stole my ginormous 4' x 6' Obama sign. Dickheads. How very Maverick of you. As SF would say, woozer.

bits and pieces

FAQS

1.) i bought a cool 1950's Roper stove. i spent $100 and two cans of easy off polishing and primping it only to find out i can't get the friggin' oven pilot light to fire up.

2.) it's reaaaalllllly gorgeous though. we make lots of tea and pasta.

3.) i'm getting all A's(yeah, that's 14 credits worth). does it matter if it's a teKnical college?

4.) my mom outbid someone on the cello and won it so it can stay in the fam.

5.) snowflake is going to be a monkey for halloween.

6.) he should go as a sea monkey because of his natural love of the agua.

7.) i am vowing not to turn the heat up for winter.

8.) i don't get out much and when i do, well... it ain't pretty.

9.) older dudes never let you pay for a drink and i dig that.

10.) i'm not into going out. i have one big hurrah and then i realize, nah.

11.) i don't want to shovel snow or blow it.

12.) ditto the frozen dog turds of winter, but i will, my friend, yes, i will.

someday...

handful

leon and his first car

cool cat


gets krazy wheels

shithead

needs more than an Ancient Chinese Secret

supermodel

out of my head

summer went out the door

characteristics