me looking skyward

time marches on

I am a frustrated single parent that wonders what the fuck I'm doing. I am a full time student with nary an existence of a social life. Part of this is me feeling sorry for myself. I do and I bawl about it sometimes. My immediate family is tiny and my brother and I share a birthday and we don't get along. I feel like I don't share anything real with him. When I talk to him it's like talking to a Freud like creature that withholds his own opinions yet absorbs mine silently like a sponge.

My 40th birthday is coming along very 'soonly' and I don't know what to do. Fuck. I am not close to anyone. It's not a very good feeling. I suppose I made it this way. I take responsibility for my part. And now I pay the price. Silence is requested from the peanut gallery.

waterbaby

night in white

autumn is gone

winter is here

now with more cheesecake!

angry cupcake

an homage to the extremely unique il signor panza. i hope he doesn't mind. can you hear wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" playing in the background?

tween in autumn

younger than she looks

leaving the library

i can't effing stand it anymore. since the very first day of school i've noticed this skeezy, greasy over 50 creepy dude that hacks like he smokes a carton of Lucky's a day. i can hear him no matter where he sits. earlier, i heard him rip one. does he think people won't notice because HE'S wearing headphones?!

lately he's been bringing in plastic bags of worm ridden deer apples. today was my lucky day because right now he's sitting right next to me, wheezing and snotting and snorting away. once in a while he glances over at me and i want to gag. whoa! good fortune! he just left!

i better wait to leave though. you know, so he doesn't think i'm following him.

granular

waiting room

The other day I was at Penzoil getting my oil changed. As I sat in the grimey waiting room reading the obituaries of people dead already a week ago(their most recent paper was a week old), I honed in on their ages: 60, 73, 84. All of these words summing up a lifetime in "paid for paragraphs."

In our little metropolis, they run the court records and police logs but make you pay for an obit that lists anything more than survivors and service times. I am going to be fourty in few months. 60 is only twenty years from now. I am going to die someday. I will not be here. I am going to die and life will go on. It's just so hard to fathom not seeing what happens with my little love.

If I die when I'm I'm 60, half of my life is already over. How should we live our lives so that we have no regrets, so that we dwell in the importance of the here and now and not the when's or what if's?

you can steal my signs

but you can't steal the election! a$$heads stole my signs AGAIN! I have never felt so happy, hopeful or as invigorated as I did watching Barack Obama speak to over 125,000 people live in Chi-town last night. Steal my signs, weiners because I am crushing your heads.

like a virgin

I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. Lately I've been thinking about flesh, naked skin on skin...no faces just sensations. This led me to put something "out there" but I don't really want a date. Impulsive or randy? I can't decide.

I think I'd much rather prefer a stranger in the night scenario. Whatever the reason for my madness, I vascillate between ripping it down, leaving it up or just going to the sex shoppe(yeah, as in ye olde). WTF. I think there is a very strong urge to break my five year dry spell but like I've said before, I don't want anyone to see me naked.

Therefore, I suppose I need to add a few details as to what I'm looking for like "must be legally blind" or "must meet in total darkness" or "must wear a blindfold." Ugh. Or maybe I should just banish the thought from my mind entirely and become like Morrissey who once said "I'm inches away from a monastary."

BAM!

wise monkey

Night Chickens

I heard some finaggling in the front yard a few minutes ago. I had a suspicion. Looking out from my cozy 1.5 story roost I knew immediately it was gone. I called the non-emergency number and reported it. Someone uphill had theirs stolen, too. So this is just a big eff you to the shitwad that stole my ginormous 4' x 6' Obama sign. Dickheads. How very Maverick of you. As SF would say, woozer.

bits and pieces

FAQS

1.) i bought a cool 1950's Roper stove. i spent $100 and two cans of easy off polishing and primping it only to find out i can't get the friggin' oven pilot light to fire up.

2.) it's reaaaalllllly gorgeous though. we make lots of tea and pasta.

3.) i'm getting all A's(yeah, that's 14 credits worth). does it matter if it's a teKnical college?

4.) my mom outbid someone on the cello and won it so it can stay in the fam.

5.) snowflake is going to be a monkey for halloween.

6.) he should go as a sea monkey because of his natural love of the agua.

7.) i am vowing not to turn the heat up for winter.

8.) i don't get out much and when i do, well... it ain't pretty.

9.) older dudes never let you pay for a drink and i dig that.

10.) i'm not into going out. i have one big hurrah and then i realize, nah.

11.) i don't want to shovel snow or blow it.

12.) ditto the frozen dog turds of winter, but i will, my friend, yes, i will.

someday...